Saturday, November 28, 2009

Death Racers (2008)

I hate Juggallos. Hate them with a passion. For those not aware of what these lower life forms are, they are fans of a terrible joke rap group named Insane Clown Posse. Now, ICP's music in of itself is among some of the worst music imaginable-a dreadful combination of the worst aspects of Hip-Hop, Rave Culture, Rap Metal, and Godawful GWAR imitation into a huge unsavory collage of suck. Yet they have a loyal following who actually takes everything these two Jackasses seriously.

And while their product (which includes a wrestling promotion, a record label, a Myspace type of network, Pornography, an annual festival and more-I know too much about this) is bad beyond comprehension, I must say that they are marketing geniuses. These two guys have created a media empire that confounds me and anyone else with properly functioning mental capacities, but hey, they're taking advantage of the American capitalist system for all it's worth, and reaping the benefits, so good for them. Not good for me though, as I have to review a movie staring Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb called "Death Racers."

Now for the plot. This hurts me more than it hurts you by the way.

In a dystopian future, civil war has broken out, causing the president to declare martial law. To make matters worse, a notorious criminal known as "The Reaper" (Professional Wrestler Scott "Raven" Levy, who seems rightfully embarrassed to be in this movie, and seems to have gained some extra weight along the way) is about to unleash sarin gas into the nations water supply. So whose going to save the day? Why pairs of criminals in a "Death Race" of course!

In case you couldn't tell, this is a Straight to DVD rip off of the "Death Race 2000" remake "Death Race", which at least had Jason Statham being a bad ass. This movie comes from The Asylum, who have created a number of Straight to DVD "Mockbusters", including: "Transmorphers", "Sunday School Musical", "I Am Omega", Snakes on a Train" and many more. Now back to the plot, and who these groups of criminals are.

The Severed Head Gang: It's essentially two white guys pretending to be Offensive Hispanic Gang Banger Stereotypes.

Homeland Security: Two Ex-Marines. There's nothing to write home about them.

Vaginamyte: At least the name is awesome. They have a car (actually, everyone does) that the announcers say "goes from zero to suck my dick in 4.1 seconds."

This is going to be a long, painful experience.

Anyways, Vaginamyte (that's really fun to say. Come on, say it) are two bisexual cannibal girls who seduce and devour men. While I'm normally for seeing women in little clothing, the fact that they exist simply for fat, greasy Jugallos to gawk and oogle at makes me more than a little uncomfortable.

Insane Clown Posse: Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope (who from here on will be called "Fatty Ding Dongs" and "Bald White Trash Douche-Bag 3000") are now criminals because their music apparently influenced acts of terrorism and school shootings. I'd rather see them in jail for releasing albums. In spite of their music being banned (YAY!) it still has a massive following. While the idea of anyone still liking his band in 2033 seems unlikely (but scary), what I want to know is how these guys are still in their mid to late 30's here. Shouldn't they be much older at that point?

Also, this movie marks the first time I've noticed how absolutely repulsive looking FDD is. Really, the mere sight of this Butt That Walks Like a Man makes me physically ill. He looks like he smells awful too.

Anyways, what follows is lots of terrible gore, awful "music" from ICP, shouting, profanity, nudity that feels more discomforting and degrading than it does sexy, someone shouting "Death Race" every 5 minutes, terrible acting-terrible everything actually. Two scenes in particular though leave an especially bad taste in my mouth:

1.) Our abominations before the eyes of common decency and, I mean heroes ICP encounter a group of women who try to kill them, only to be hacked up by hatchets. I don't know what's more disturbing: the sheer amount of glee that FDD and BWTDB3K take in killing these women (dudes have issues they need to work out), the fact these guys are actually considered poets in this alternate universe (seems like "Idiocracy" came true here-I normally wouldn't bring up that movie, but it applies here) or that FDD says he's "big all over" and that he's going "to plow her."

I'm sorry, but I do not want to hear a fat man wearing grease paint who looks like he smells like a combination of goat semen and cat urine grumble about the size of his penis. That's something you'd expect from a John Wayne Gacy. Even more terrifying is the mere idea of FDD having sex. The thought of a man in greasepaint as fat as he is bobbing his blubbery ass up and down, his ass cheeks quivering like a gelatinous nightmare while still looking and smelling like a wad of fat soaked in piss is one of the scariest mental images imaginable. It's at this point the viewer will wonder if they've done something bad in a past life.

Now on to scene

2.) One of the girls from Vaginamyte (I forget who-I was too busy saying Vaginamyte to notice) is strapped to a table. An Android from earlier then proceeds to strap on a large metallic phallus and rape her. What makes this all even worse is that the whole scene is played for laughs. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?????!!!?! I'm all for tasteless humor and political incorrectness in my trashy movies, but this is just wrong. The mere fact that there are most likely Juggalos loving this scene, screaming "give it to that bitch good!" makes it all the worst. Sure, the tree scene in "The Evil Dead" and the head scene from "Re-Animator" were tasteless, but they also had a sense of revulsion and horror added to the black humor of the situations. This is just juvenile and pointless, not to mention sick.

I hate everything about this movie. Everything. There is nothing-and I mean NOTHING-anyone in the right mind would find entertaining. Even trash aficionados like me have our limits, and this is one of them. There is not one good thing in this. Everything about this is loud, reprehensible, badly done, annoying, and pointless. It's the cinematic equivalent of the most annoying people imaginable farting and acting like jack offs, thinking they are the funniest people on God's Green Earth, and acting more loud and annoying when they notice you don't enjoy their company. This isn't even good trash-this is bad trash, as in so bad you'll contemplate suicide bad. This is so bad, when mankind is gone/evolves, I hope future civilizations see this and say "good riddance."

And you know what? That's exactly what Juggallos deserve. They eat up crap like this-Lord knows they have been for 15 years and counting. They deserve this kind of thing. God knows they'll enoy it, but me? Well, you know how I feel. a 0/10 would be way too kind for this.


1 comment:

  1. hilarious...and so, so awful!

    "This hurts me more than it hurts you by the way."

    I watched the gathering of the juggalos infomercial (so bored) funny is that video. best part: DJ guy: "Magicians and hypnotists walking around that bitch!" Wow! I want to go to there.

    Anyway, nice reading your reviews.