Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Worst Horror Movies of the Decade (Part 1)

I'm not a big fan of "End of " lists. Mainly because I usually end up changing my mind eventually.At least when it comes to "Best of" lists. "Worst of" lists are pretty final, because you can add more to them. So yeah, here's the first part my picks for worst horror movies of the decade, in no particular order.

Death Racers

This one's a given. I've already reviewed it, and to talk more about it would just cause me pain. However, I believe you should suffer for your art, so hey. Anyways, it's a "Mockbuster" from The Asylum, and yet, it somehow manages to be the worst one they've done. It's also a vehicle for the abhorrent Insane Clown Posse, and is an atrocity in every sense of the word, as well as one of the biggest failed attempts at making a trash movie I've ever seen.

Feardotcom

No, that's not a typo. Will Malone's failed attempt at a Supernatural yarn ends up becoming a headache inducing mix of Asian Horror cliches, terrible decisions, wasted talent, and all around nonsensical dribble that ends up leaving a foul taste in one's mouth. Fortunately, the director mostly atoned for his sins by directing an exceptional episode of "Masters of Horror."

Eden Log

What do you call a horror movie in which almost nothing happens? That would be "Eden Log", a movie that proves not every recent French horror movie is good. It's essentially a man walking and grunting a lot in a cave, while random events happen and he walks around some more. Watching paint dry is better than this.

Halloween: Resurrection

Say what you will about Rob Zombie's take on "Halloween", but this is the movie that killed the old franchise. To think it wasn't the thorn cult or other things that would kill any franchise that ended this one. Nope, it was Jaime Lee Curtis' Laurie Strode being killed off (thus making the entire point of the series moot) and Michael getting his ass kicked by Busta Rhymes.

Zombiez

The worst zombie movie of the decade (and that's saying something), this poor outing also may be the worst Urban Horror movie of all time. The whole thing reeks of amateurish direction and acting, and is so bad that the viewer actually feels sorry for everyone involved. It also has Hip Hop music that is so bad, it almost embarrasses me as a fan of the genre. On the plus side, the lead actress has nice...um, assets.

House of the Dead

Though he did movies before this, "House of the Dead" is the movie that started Uwe Boll's reputation as one of the worst directors of all time. Watching it, the viewer can see why-it's horribly acted, directed, and has a puzzling tendency to throw in footage from the old "House of the Dead" video game. It's actually not his worst movie though. That would be...

Alone in the Dark

This is the movie that solidified the director's reputation. Unwatchable from beginning to end, and featuring Tara Reid as a scientist (no, really), this is practically the definition of cinematic endurance test. It almost feels obvious to include this-kinda like kicking a man while he's down really.

Ax 'Em

The spirit of such inept slashers such as "Don't Go in the Woods...Alone!" and "Scream" (an 80's slasher movie that in no way, shape or form is related to the Wes Craven movie of the same name) lives on in this unbearable assault on the eyes that literally has nothing going for it, and makes every mistake imaginable.

The Butcher

As the field of "torture horror" comes to an end, this late Korean entry in cycle may be the worst one yet. Clearly inspired by the likes of "Saw" and "Hostel", this adds many different levels of poor directing, editing, and misogyny into the mix. Actually, it's not the worst entry. That would be...

Murder Set Pieces

A horrific, self promoting, ugly, and all around awful piece of shit, "Murder Set Pieces" is the horror movie equivelent of that "troubled" kid in High School trying to blow everyone's minds-only to fall right on his face. Also includes footage from 9/11. How classy.

Stay tuned for Part 2!

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