Monday, December 21, 2009

Worst Horror Movies of the Decade Pt II

Prom Night, The Stepfather and The Fog

This decade has seen a lot of remakes. However, these three may stand out as the worst. "The Fog" and "The Stepfather" are remakes of classic 80's horror movies that removed everything that made them great. "Prom Night" though, is a remake of a slasher movie that I never really considered a classic. Instead of doing something interesting with it, the movie instead makes every mistake possible-with a PG-13 rating nonetheless, like the other two movies-and makes something unwatchable. Whenever people would give me shit for liking the "House on Sorority Row" remake, I remember these movies.

Thir13en Ghosts

Dark Castle Entertainment has given us plenty of mediocre theatrical horror material-"Ghost Ship", "Gothika", "The Reaping" and more. This however, stands out as their worst. Complete with uninteresting kills, poorly done sentimental moments, and a maid character played by rapper Rah-Digga who boarders on racially offensive, this is an unwatchable mess.

The Hills Have Eyes II

Well, it's worse than the sequel to the original. HHE2 is a Godawful assault on the eyes that serves no purpose, and feels like watching somebody play the worlds' most uninteresting video game. Add some poorly done social commentary and a general feeling of unease (not the good kind you get from horror movies), and you get this.

Gnaw

Hey, the British are trying to do their version pf the "Wrong Turn" movies, with a bit of "Hostel" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", only without any of what made those movies any good. This is a lifeless horror movie that offers nothing worth watching, and even worse, fails as a tongue in cheek Black Comedy.

Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker

I have no problem with Troma movies. I do hate it most of the time when people try to emulate Troma. Case in point: this movie, which has awful jokes, terrible one-liners, and even the director showing up in Blackface. Fuck this movie.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead

Proof that not every Japanese zombie movie is going to be awesome, this movie is essentially a soft porn movie masquerading as a horror comedy, only with an emphasis on humiliation and rape that leaves an awful taste in one's mouth.

Feast 2 and 3

Sometimes, a sequel can be a buzzkill. Take the sequels to the fun splatter comedy "Feast", which think throwing in explosive diarrhea, a dead baby, rape jokes, fart jokes and more will automatically make audiences happy. Turns out they were wrong.

Untraceable

In spite of it's content, this is a horror/technological thriller that feels more like a bad Lifetime network horror flick than a theatrical movie. The whole thing is also incredibly dated in it's views of the internet, and takes great delight in tearing apart illegal downloaders. You stick it to them! Or preferably, don't.

Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave From The Grave

A Godawful embarrassment to the series (though the previous sequel didn't help matters much) that feels more like a bad "National Lampoons" movie meets a straight to DVD Horror Comedy. Nay I say.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

The weakest entry in the loose Video Game adaptation franchise so far (and that says a lot), this lifeless sequel plods forward without anything resembling energy, creativity, or entertainment, instead resembling a cynical cash in at it's laziest.

The Cook

A textbook example on how not to do a horror-comedy film, "The Cook" is like watching a bunch of horny, 14 year old boys making a movie, and even making lesbian bondage seem dull.

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