Friday, March 12, 2010

Ax 'Em (1992)

Why?

Why do I do this? Why do I review movies? I sometimes wonder if it effect's my sanity . If you ask me, those of us who have to watch movies like the one you are about to read about should be given public service medals or awards or something. Police protect us, doctors and nurses save our lives, we watch terrible movies so you don't have to. Let that sink in for a moment, and if you feel thankful, then that feels okay I guess. If you still bother to watch them (and this) then there is no hope for you whatsoever. So anyways, off to the review.

The old "Friends decide to have fun in the woods" style slasher movie has been done more than porn star Aurora Snow. Take some dumb kids, put them in the middle of nowhere, unleash a killer, and viola! You have yourself a movie that's been done many a time before. There have been movies that made that work to their advantage, but more often than not, it becomes a disaster. Case in point is Michael Mfume's 1992 slasher disaster "Ax 'Em" aka "The Weekend It Lives."

You know you are in serious trouble when you notice two things: 1.) The title credits are done with the cheapest WordArt imaginable, and 2.) This movie was made in 1992, but didn't receive any sort of distribution until 2002. That's right, this piece of shit didn't pick up the slightest bit of interest for 10 years. While many a horror movie in the past has struggled to find distribution, this movie took longer than most do, which says a lot.

Now on to the plot. You can thank me later for this.

It's the same thing you've seen done before, as I've mentioned. A group of friends decide to have fun in the woods, but run into a psychopath (this one traumatized by having his family killed-his name is Halloween Harry by the way) who starts to pick them off one by one. The thing is, this isn't just another bad slasher movie. This is the kind of bad slasher movie that only comes along every once in a while, and is proof that the spirit of incompetent slasher movies like "Don't Go in the Woods...Alone!" and "Scream" (aka "The Outing"-no, not the Wes Craven movie of the 90's) never died.

The movie was made for approximately $650, and it shows. The editing is so bad it makes the films of Andy Milligan look great. The kills are uneventful as they get (an axe and a machete to the head and a machete to the wrist are all you are going to get folks.) The acting...oh you know how bad it is. The sound is muddled and distant. Everything-and I mean everything-about this fucking cinematic abortion is an offense to the eyes and ears.

It almost feels like Mfume and co. went out of their way to make the worst movie imaginable, and they succeed beyond their wildest dreams. This isn't even amusingly bad. This is the worst kind of bad movie-the kind that makes you hate yourself after you watch it. Why would anyone want to watch this? Better question, why would anyone want to make a movie like this? Questions like this are beyond the universe, and beyond any sort of human comprehension.

If anything, "Ax 'Em" is proof that no matter what you say, you need people like us. People who will suffer through the worst movies imaginable so you don't have to. You see, we do care.

Rating:

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for the no rateing. Too bad it took almost 10 years too get your review. Lol. Me and my family just could only luagh at the movies retardedness but also that we never thought to check for a review and yours definatly nails it. Lol. Cinamatic abortion perfect and intellegent way to state it. You watch bad movies to help us civilans out but there is a few of us, like my family, who do the same thing. I'm pretty sure your brain hurts like ours did in trying to explain this movies horribleness. Just do what we do take an asprine and move on to the next movie. Lol.

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