Sunday, August 22, 2010

What I Learned While Watching Piranha 3D

Instead of posting a review, I'll give you this instead.

-Apparently, there is such a thing as too much female nudity. The movie should have been called "BOOBS! Oh, and there's Piranhas too."

-Natural outbreaks can be brought forth by beer bottles hitting the bottom of a lake.

-Women can hold their breath underwater for a very long time while doing nude underwater ballet.

-More movies need a surrogate Joe Francis (the douche that created "Girls Gone Wild") played by Jerry O'Connell having their penis eaten by Piranhas. Because Joe Francis deserves it, don't you think?

-Christopher Lloyd will transform into Doc Brown's doppelganger when Piranhas are on the loose.

-Ving Rhames is great. He really is "The Obama of Piranha." That out of the way, Piranha 3D/Joesph Howell 2012.

-Apart from producing and directing, I think Eli Roth exists only to die a gruesome death in every horror movie he's in. Honestly, I'm jealous.

-If you are going to cast a nude model (Kelly Brook) and Porn Stars (Riley Steele, Ashlynn Brooke and Gianna Michaels) in a movie, know how to use them. Also, Brooks and Steele aren't bad in this.

-Also, if you are going to stage a massive orgy of blood and gore, do it right. This movie does it right in the last 30 minutes, and it's a glorious thing.

-Remember "Snakes on a Plane" and how it didn't deliver on it's promises? "Piranha 3D" is what that movie should have been.

-Is it the best movie if the year? No. It is the most fun I've had in a theater this year though. If you love this kind of movie, there is no reason not to see it.


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