Thursday, December 23, 2010

Worst/Most Disappointing/Most Forgettable of 2010

I'm not bothering to do a best of 2010 list. I will however, do a worst of 2010 list, because it's much more fun. You can expect a Biggest Sleepers/Guilty Pleasures of 2010 list later on though. So, let us start with

The Worst

Survival of the Dead-It kind of pains me to include, this, because I tend to love Romero. Sure, a few of his movies ("Bruiser", "Season of the Witch" and "Diary of the Dead") are more fascinating as ideas then they are movies, but that still doesn't excuse "Survival of the Dead", which is not only the single worst genre film that came out this year (and that says a lot), but has pretty much killed any good will I had in future projects from the director. Horribly acted, written and directed in every way imaginable, it feels nothing like a movie from a man whose been directing movies for more than 40 years, and pissed me off to no end.

Bitch Slap-Dear people of Earth: Just because you love exploitation movies doesn't mean you should always do a tribute to them. Case in point: "Bitch Slap", which may be the worst attempt at paying tribute yet. An homage to "Tough but Sexy Chicks" flicks from back in the day, the movie is a headache to sit through in every way, shape and form, as well as not in any way as cleaver or smart as it thinks it is. It clearly wants to be a love letter to exploitation, but it feels like what would happen if a hormonal 14 year old watched a marathon of Cinemax movie, then watched a few exploitation movies, and capped it all off with "Sin City."

The Graves-Horrorfest has released it's share of clunkers in the past ("Lake Dead", "Unearthed" and "Slaughter"), but "The Graves" has the distinction of being the worst one yet. The directorial debut of Brian Pulido (creator of the all around bad "Lady Death"), "The Graves" less resembles a true genre effort as much as it does an attempt to appeal to horror fans than it does a movie geared towards the Hot Topic crowd. Also features the worst performances from Bill Mosley and Tony Todd, especially the latter.

Jonah Hex-In spite of what notoriously obnoxious film critic Armond "Me Against the World" White said, "Jonah Hex" is not a feast of cinematic genius. It is however, an erratic, grating and poorly acted and directed abortion, which features the worst performance of John Malkovich's career, and was abandoned by original writers Neveldine and Taylor, and re-written into the mess you got. When even Megan Fox seems bored and embarrassed to be there, you know you have a clunker.

A Nightmare on Elm Street-First of all, "The Hitcher" is still the worst Platinum Dunes remake thus far. This is however, a very close second that even a fine performance from Jacky Earle Haley couldn't save. Also, adding more to the "Freddy Kruger is a pedophile" sub-plot may be one of the weakest attempts at trying to make a horror villain evil ever. Instead of making him a force of evil, it just makes the viewer nauseous. Seriously, ew.

My Soul to Take-Wes Craven is a man with an erratic career. For every classic he's done, there's also some real mediocre to laughable movies. Sadly, "My Soul To Take" is his worst effort yet, and contains noting interesting of note other than boredom and a horrible attempt at creating a new cinematic boogieman.

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams-I didn't particularly care Tim Sullivan's sequel to Herschel Gordon Lewis' trash classic "2000 Maniacs", as it felt a bit like it tried too hard and wasn't particularly funny. His sequel though, is the worst Direct to DVD sequel of the year. Forced, painful and all around stupid, "Field of Screams" thinks that including gay jokes, racism, song parodies and Bill Mosley and Lin Shaye fucking automatically equals entertainment. Seriously, fuck this movie.

Road Kill-The kind of Straight to DVD movie that makes you wonder if you've done something bad in a past life to endure such punishment, with nothing really resembling scares or interest, and everything resembling annoying edits and horrible film making.

The "Tapout Presents" Films-Look Lionsgate, I know I'm your bitch, and that you love to release pretty much anything that's cheap and to the point on DVD. Still, you gotta stop releasing these. Sure, "Locked Down" marked a small improvement, but it was still bad. I'm pretty sure MMA fans deserve better than such blatantly cheap cash grabs.

Skyline-Um, there were what looked like vaginas and anal sockets sucking people up, but that's all that's noteworthy about the horribly written and acted alien invasion movie.

Legion-From Tyrese saying things like "When I was a shortie" to the terribly edited action scenes to Dennis Quaid looking more bored than ever, "Legion" was an annoying and all around attempt at mixing Biblical and Post-Apocalyptic horror. For a better mainstream version of a Post-Apocalyptic movie, see "The Book of Eli."

Big Money Rustlas-To be fair, I will never watch this. However, it's the principal of the thing...

Most Disappointing

The Expendables-From the cast, the director and even the cameos, you could be forgiven for thinking "The Expendables" would be the best macho action movie of the year. However, it didn't really get interesting until the third act, and until then, was pretty much just mediocre and kinda boring. When the inevitable sequel comes around, maybe Stallone will do a better movie, but until then, better luck next time.

Sea of Dust-A tribute to old school British Horror and a critique of religion being used to commit atrocities, "Sea of Dust" is a movie that ends up being too poorly acted (the lead is the definition of bland), confused (What's this supposed to be a tribute to, Hammer or Ken Russel?) and too weird for the sake of weirdness for it's own good. Still, the director shows potential, so maybe next time will be a charm.

Brain Dead-Truth in advertising at least. While I'm only a fan of one of Kevin Tenney's film's ("Night of the Demons"), I was looking forward to this. So, while it has all the boobs and blood I was hoping for, it ends up trying way too hard, with all of it's jokes and most of the attempts at humor (what the hell was that ending?) falling flat, and trying to be an instant cult classic. The thing is, movies become cult favorites over time. Going out to make a cult movie rarely if ever works, and this is no exception.

Altitude-An ambitious to say the least movie with a fine lead, "Altitude" ends up sacrificing all it's good will on trite melodrama and an atrocious conclusion.

Most Forgettable

Clash of the Titans-The only reason this didn't get a lower rating from me is because of the eye candy to be honest. Still, the remake of "Clash of the Titans" is so whatever that I barely even remember anything about it, other than "Hey, the Kraken and the giant scorpions were cool", and that Ralph Fiennes and Liam Nieson competed to see who could overact the most.

The Rig-Remember all of those "Alien" rip offs that came out back in the day? Well, Peter Atencio sure does, and his movie-well, it's a movie, I'll give it that much.

Growth-A more serious entry in the "parasites that change people" sub-genre, "Growth" really doesn't offer much that stands out, and feels like an episode of something like "One Tree Hill" as done by the Scy-Fy channel.

Case 39-Hey, remember that evil child movie with Renée Zellweger, Ian McShane and Bradley Cooper that was on the shelf for a while? Yeah, me neither.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days-A by the numbers Direct to DVD sequel if there ever was one, "Dark Days" is far from one of the worst I've seen, but there isn't really a whole lot that will warrant repeat viewings.

Resident Evil: Afterlife-I really don't see any reason to get mad about this, because you should know your in for forgettable mediocrity with a movie like this. To expect anything less is stubborn.

Thank God I Didn't See

Saw 3D and Unchained-Let's just say I invoked the "Life's Too Short" clause on these.

Outback-Apparently, this Aussie effort is so bad, it makes "Road Kill" look like a work of genius. I still might (I said might) check this one out.

Most Unnecessary Sequel

The Descent 2-"The Descent" was one of the best horror films of the last decade, as well as the best British horror film of the last decade. So, why in God's name would there be a sequel? Granted, the end result is pretty bad, but could have been worse. However, the whole thing just screams "why?", and really has no reason to exist other than to get money from fans of the original.

Could Be a Cult Classic In Spite of Itself

Wrong Side of Town-Poorly acted, directed, choreographed, etc. "Wrong Side of Town" is an incredibly bad movie. Yet, you can't turn away from it for some reason. If any movie this year deserves to be a cult classic for fans of really bad action movies, it's this one.

Neowolf-Originally titled "The Band From Hell", and clearly released to capitalize on the current "Twilight" phenomenon, "Neowolf" ends up becoming a bad movie lovers paradise, with enough clunky direction, acting and terrible music to garner a following for those that love to watch low-budget bullshit.

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