Thursday, October 13, 2011

Nightmare Alley (2010)

I try to be more forgiving when it comes to micro-budget horror movies. These DIY efforts are usually labors of love, made for almost nothing usually by amateur filmmakers who are passionate enough about what they do. However, I can't forgive "Nightmare Alley", a vile, pointless and all around painful anthology film that feels more like a bad extended pilot for the worlds worst cable access television show, and has a host who delivers one liners that would make even the worst horror host cringe.

Our film begins with a segment with two jack-offs going on about how people are pussies and constantly calling people fags (believe me when I say the rank homophobia gets worse later on.) Well, they meet a hobo who gives them a comic book-the latest issue of "Nightmare Alley"-and then are thankfully offed by the hobo.

Now on to the segments of this anthology.

A Fistful of Innards
-Three cowboys come across a meteor, and want to sell it for cash-until one of them betrays and shoots the other two. Unfortunately for him, they immediately come back as zombies and consume his flesh. They then kill a bunch of people off screen.

This sucker is as painful as they come, with dire acting (I normally don't bitch about poor acting in movies like this, but nobody here seems to be putting forth any effort) and even worst writing. Amazingly, this is the best of these segments.

Rebellion-A doofus with a ponytail buys a rubber rat from a novelty store, which possesses him to kill women for the purpose of sucking out their souls and growing large to take over the world. One of the dork's victims escapes, only to become the rats slave instead.

I admit that I was mildly amused by the use of the phrase "penis wrinkle", but this is a segment that shows no knowledge as to how humor works. It also happens to be pretty misogynistic, so with this and the homophobia of a prior and later segment, I seriously think there's something wrong with directors Laurence Holloway and Scarlett Fry. Yes, two people directed this.

Death Chat
-A man is caught cheating by his wife, who walks out on him. So, he decides to try an online sex chat to get laid, only to be hacked up by the vengeful ghost of a jilted lover.

I have nothing to add other than the fact that the man is supposed to be twenty six, but he looks like a redneck in his early 40's.

Meat-A trashy Bettie Paige look alike meets a fat guy who never wears a shirt and loves to rub his nipples. When she takes him home, her husband (played by the dude who knocked out Danzig) finds them, and when the guy leaves, she kills her husband. Six hours later, he comes back, and she feeds him the flesh of her hubby.

This segment feels way too much like a short movie even Troma would neglect. Also, her husband is also fat, which makes me believe she digs prime cuts.

Closet Case-A man is hit on by a gay guy, then kills said gay guy. He then takes a gay porno magazine, and masturbates to it.

This is the worst segment of them all, and is the biggest proof that the people behind this have serious problems. You know, in the segment "Rebellion", the main character wears a shirt that says "asshole." This is exactly what the people who made this are.

The Great Damone-In a riff on Roger Corman's "A Bucket of Blood" and Herschel Gordon Lewis' "Color Me Blood Red", a put upon painter kills his wife, and uses her blood and body parts to create his work. This works at first, but after his second piece of art offends people, he is taunted from beyond the grave by his ex. He then kills himself and ends up in hell.

This segment bugged me in particular because it actually has a neat premise. However, everything about it (the acting, the direction and the gore) feels incredibly lazy.

Slash of the Blade-The ghost of Jack the Ripper goes around killing people in broad daylight. That's it.

First of all, this has what may be the worst Jack the Ripper costume ever. Second of all, there's a series of Jack the Ripper like killings going on, and the police to nothing about any of the complaints. Okay then.

There's nothing about "Nightmare Alley" that's worth a damn. I've noticed some people have defended this movie, saying things "Come on, it's a B-movie!" and "But it's like, horror man, and it was made outside of the Hollywood system!" To that, I have this to say: Fuck you. People like you are the reason horror fans get a bad rep. I enjoy B-movies-shit, this blog is pretty much dedicated to them. But this is not fun at all. This is the worst kind of bullshit imaginable. The kind of shit I wouldn't even recommend to my worst enemies. Just because a movie doesn't take itself seriously and is a B-movie is not an excuse. Fuck you, fuck this movie, and fuck the people who wrote and directed it.

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