Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Worst Movies of 2011

Every year, we get cinematic trash heaps that one could have gone without seeing. Here is the worst, most forgettable, and most disappointing movies of 2011

Worst

-Sucker Punch-Some people really shouldn't write their own movies. While I've enjoyed Zack Snyder's movies up until this point, here he made a colossal disaster that was M. Night levels bad.

-Repo Chick-What if somebody did a "Tim and Eric" style sketch, only without anything funny, and stretched it out to feature length? Then "Repo Chick", a preachy, confusing and confused offering from Alex Cox, is what you get.

-The Bleeding-The worst attempt at trying to make a modern "Grindhouse" movie yet, "The Bleeding" makes "Bitch Slap" look like "Lawrence of Arabia" by comparison.

-The Roommate-"Hey, let's make "Single White Female", only for the teen and tween set, and make it so bad they'll hate it!"

-Straw Dogs-I'm a bit more forgiving towards remakes, as I've defended the "Friday the 13th" and "House on Sorority Row" remakes as guilty pleasures, and I really enjoyed "Fright Night." This however, is awful, and a slap to the face of the original.

-The Reunion-By far the worst WWE movie I've seen so far, "The Reunion" is a mirthless bore. You know, I like Amy Smart, and I wish she could get better work than this.

-Shark Night-An example of genre movie making at it's absolute worst, "Shark Night" is a cliche filled, gore and entertainment free slog-well, except for the always awesome Donal Logue.

-Season of the Witch-Nic Cage sleepwalks through this drab PG-13 medieval outing, with only Ron Perlman offering a fun performance.

-Dylan Dog: Dead of Night-The popular Italian comic gets a movie treatment that the ScyFy channel would look down on. At least wrestler Kurt Angle seems to be having fun.

-Blood Oath-Terrible no-budget slasher #379 from Troma. I almost feel bad adding this here, but this is a pain to sit through.

-The Dead and the Damned-At some point, you gotta wonder why nobody has made a good "zombies in the old west" movie.

-Vanishing on 7th Street-Brad Fuller finally makes a bad horror movie with this redundant, poorly written and poorly acted movie that feels like a bad rough draft turned into a movie.

-World of the Dead: Zombie Diaries 2-It's "military men vs. zombies" movie #255, with added shaky cam and rape.

-The Task-The worst of the "After Dark Originals" features one of the worst conclusions in a fright film this year.

-Blood Out-Bad straight-to-DVD cop/action/crime movie I lost the count from Lionsgate has the distinguishing trait of being dull as dirt and poorly directed and written and edited etc. to boot.

-Helldriver-Yoshihiro Nishimura's latest can best be described as the low budget splatter equivalent of a "Transformers" movie. Sure, there's plenty of gore and weird moments, but the whole thing feels tiresome and altogether pointless.

Most Meh

-Battle: Los Angeles-This is the definition of the kind of movie you see that you watch, and while you don't hate it, you won't remember anything about it. It's bland, but far from bad really.

-Grave Encounters-This however, is bland and bad, and feels like a case against making found footage horror movies.

-House of the Rising Sun-It's kinda like "Blood Out", only not as bad, but still pretty bad nonetheless. Oh, and again, poor Amy Smart.

Most Disappointing

-Conan the Barbarian-What makes this movie all the more disappointing is the fact that there's some real pluses here-a great star turn by Jason Momoa, some fun action scenes and a few one liners that are actually good. Unfortunately the bad direction, uneventful script and awful story keep it from becoming the fun movie it should have been.

-ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2-How do you not do a sequel to an entertaining slasher movie? You add corporate infighting, government conspiracies and poor explanations.

-Tetsuo The Bullet Man-The most disappointing movie of the year though, goes to the long awaited third film in the "Tetsuo" series, which is a hyper-edited, poorly written Hodge-podge of ideas that barely feel finished.

Future Bad Movie Cult Favorite

-Hyenas-If there's any movie that deserves the same kind of infamy "Troll 2" and "Shark Attack 3" have, it's Eric Weston's hilariously ill-conceived "Hyenas", which made me laugh more than any other bad movie this year did. A must for bad movie fanatics.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with this list, although I have to admit that Battle Los Angeles was entertaining but you're right it is forgettable.

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