Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker (2001)

No. God Damnit, NO! NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*cries*

If you watch a lot of horror, you more than likely seen at least a few bad, no-budget movie. If you are one of the people whose encountered the likes of Chris Seaver, then I feel bad for you.

Seaver, for the uninitiated, is a man who has dedicated his life to making micro-budget movies. Okay, that's fine and all-except for the fact that his movies aren't just bad. They are abominations upon the eyes of anyone-movies that seem to delight in how bad they are, and show no real effort as far as comedy, wit, skill or entertainment are concerned. He may very well be the Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer of horror/comedy, and "Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker" is one of many movies that serve as proof of that.

Missy Tonatuti stars as Mulva, a chocolate addicted, who decides to go Trick r' Treating with her friend, only to run into zombies, who want their brains and their candy.

That's about it as far as plot is concerned, as that seems to be something Seaver doesn't really care for. Instead, he decides to go for laughs. By laughs, I mean disgusting shots of our titular character's chocolate smeared mug and pop culture references and quotes that are there because hey, if you don't have anything resembling talent, then reference something! It's what Friedberg and Seltzer did for the likes of "Epic Movie." Oh, and Seaver himself getting in on the act-playing a painful, minstrel show worthy character named Mr. Bonejack, and even sporting blackface. Yep, racism too. You also get indie mavens like Debbie Rochon and Trent Haaga, Lloyd Kaufman (of course) and even the Naked Cowboy shows up.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that "Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker" may very well be the worst zombie movie ever made. At least the likes of "Zombiez" and "Curse of the Screaming Dead" felt like they were made by people who were trying. Nothing in "Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker" suggests that. This is a movie made by a guy who picked up his VHS camera and thought "hey, who needs to make any effort?" I know he's working with pennies here, and that this is for a select audience, but consider these two things: 1.) other people working on a micro-budget at least try to make a worthwhile movie, and 2.) I can't even see the select audience going for this much. Just because he doesn't care what you think of his movies doesn't excuse the fact that they are beyond awful.

If you find something to like about "Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker", then guess what: I don't want to know you. You are lower than a parasite, and you offer nothing to the human race. What kind of rating does this deserve? Why, it deserves a

Rating:

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