Friday, June 1, 2012

Piranha 3DD (2012)

I normally don't review movies whilst they are in theaters, but I'll make an exception in this case. Plus, it's available On-Demand too, so...

I really enjoyed 2010's remake of "Piranha." It was a rare type that managed to not only work as a stand alone movie, but delivered everything that it promised: boobs, gore, and comedy. It was also well directed, acted, and had a level of wit within the proceedings.Well, the studio decided that it was a movie that warranted a sequel, and decided to hand over the reigns to the guys that brought you "Feast." Well, with it's small (about 75 theaters) theatrical release and On-Demand run, it's easy to see why it's not getting a whole lot as far as promotion is concerned: it's a really shitty movie.

Taking place one year after the events of the first movie, the movie opens with a cameo from Gary Busey and Clu Gulagar becoming food for Piranhas that come out of a dead but still flatulent cow. Yes, that is the level of humor we are dealing with. Brace yourself, because it get's worse.

The next day, Maddy (Daniel Panabaker) is in a bit of a disagreement with her stepfather Chet (David Koechner) because he's turned the family water park (called "The Big Wet") into a more adult oriented place with strippers as lifeguards. However, the piranha's are back, and headed to the pool via the pipe system. Her friends Barry (Matt Bush) and Kyle (Chris Zykla) must now try to do something to stop the upcoming onslaught-and you can guess how that goes. Meanwhile, Shelby (Katrina Bowden) is ready to lose her virginity, but a baby piranha goes up, lady parts. Also, Ving Rhames, Paul Sheer and Christpher Lloyd return, and David Hasselhoff shows up as himself.

 Note to future writers and directors: Simply going "Hey, it's David Hasselhoff" is not funny. In fact, it was never funny to begin with.

The best word I can think of describing "Piranha 3DD" (ha ha) would be "lazy." The direction by "Project Greenlight" graduate and "Feast" director John Gulagar ranges from pedestrian to just plain bad, with murky underwater shots, poor editing and no clue how to direct moments of violence or any of the actors. Here, you have people who have proven themselves to be good to decent actors delivering awful performances, with some (in particular Rhames) seeming to be embarrassed to be there. In their defense, they are working with a script that feels like it was written by 8th graders. This is a movie where people do things that are dumb even by the standards of horror movies, and characters change motivations (Kyle goes from being an alright guy to a total asshole just completely out of the blue) without any attention to consistency.

So, does the humor work? Well, as you can tell from the third paragraph, no. There's one moment that's funny, but most of the movie plays out like something you'd get from a really bad comedy (stuff like "Fired Up!") with gore and female nudity. This is movie that thinks a piranha going up a fat man's ass is great comedy. How about the gore? It's pretty tame compared to the last movie, with the inevitable water park massacre feeling anemic in comparison to the all out slaughter fest of the last movie. Sure, there's decapitations and blood in the water, but it's nothing you haven't seen a billion times before.

Now I know, I know. "It's supposed to be dumb!" you might be saying. Hell, I enjoy dumb entertainment as much as the next guy. This however, is the bad kind of dumb entertainment. The kind that makes no effort whatsoever, and expects you to go along with it because hey man, tits and ass and gore! I'm sorry, but it takes more than that to make a good trashy movie. This is the kind of thing that gives trash a bad name. Being dumb is no excuse for being lazy.

It's really no surprise as to why this didn't get a wide theatrical release and has gotten next to no promotion-it fucking sucks. Everything about this feels like a really bad direct-to-video sequel, and that the studio had no idea what to do with it. This is a movie that's best left avoided. Just watch the previous one, or the original.

Rating: 0/10

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