Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Worst of 2012

Every year, we get plenty of awful movies. It takes a special type however, to make the worst list. Here they are

The Devil Inside-It takes a distinct dishonor to be not only the worst of the year, but the  worst found footage movie I've ever seen. This tale of demonic possession not only has the two dumbest priests in the history of cinema (they don't want to be caught, yet they let themselves get filmed and demand the camera never go off) but one of the worst endings I have ever seen in my life. After seeing this, I almost want to forgive M. Night Shyamalan-almost.

Knock Knock 2-Just...damn. After whatever success the previous movie had, Lionsgate thought it would be fine to release a completely unrelated movie as a sequel. If you've seen "Dark Harvest 2: The Maize" (also an unrelated movie released as a sequel), you know how this turns out.

ATM-The premise is ripe for suspense (a group of people trapped in a closed space while a killer is outside) is ruined by horrible direction and decisions so stupid they somehow set white people back further. Add the fact that this was from the writer of the all around great "Buried" makes it all inexcusable.

The Apparition-I almost didn't want to include this, as it made me laugh (though all of those laughs are unintended) a lot. However, this would be ghost tale is let down by a brain dead script, lifeless performances, a complete lack of interest in the subject matter and an all too sudden and all around pathetic conclusion.

Piranha 3DD-A how to in making a terrible sequel, John Gulgar's "Piranha 3DD" (ha ha) has plenty of sleaze and gore like the prior film, but it lacks the spirit of that one. Here, it just feels ugly, insultingly stupid and nowhere near as funny as it thinks it is.

Strippers vs. Werewolves-Ya know, sometimes you need to come up with more than a cleaver title to make a fun movie. By that I mean all the time. Actually think things out.

Detention-A headache of a horror movie. "Detention" constantly barrages the audience with random nonsensical pacing, ADD styled plotting and pacing, incessant pop culture riffing and Dane Cook as a high school principal.

The Raven-So, how do you make a movie with John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe bad? By giving it a convoluted plot, poor direction and even a horrible performance from Cusack himself.

The Wicker Tree-Also the most disappointing movie of the year, "The Wicker Tree" is a sequel to the best horror film of all time-and lacks all the vision, humor and bleak atmosphere of the original. I know, I shouldn't compare it to the prior film, but when it all feels like it's being made by a first time director on autopilot (and it's actually by the director of the original), that's unforgivable.

Dark Tide-Barely released theatrically, this shark horror film starring Haley Barrey is a lot of things-boring, poorly written, poorly acted and poorly directed. If anything, it's a great example of how to waste a good cast on pure bullshit.

The Divide-Xavier Gans returns behind the camera in this post apocalyptic tale about the dark side of human nature. That would be great if it wasn't so in your face with it's message, which feels as subtle as a sledgehammer and as entertaining as a hangover.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance-I know that Ghost Rider isn't the most respected comic book creation, but I like him. Then again, I think the premise of the character is pretty great on a B-Movie level-which is something this sequel (and the prior film) can't figure out. It's got a decent first act, but the second and third ones are painfully boring, as if directors Nevaldine and Taylor can't do something out of their usual "let's throw a bunch of crazy shit onto the screen" mode.

I will say this much-at least there weren't any remakes on the list.

1 comment:

  1. I have just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers strip-tease on my desktop.