Saturday, February 27, 2016

Biohazard (1985)

Fred Olen Ray has had a long career so far. Originally known for making movies like "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers", 'Scalps" and "The Tomb" among others, he mostly makes softcore porn for Cinemax aka "porn for people too afraid to look at actual porn" these days. Another one of the earlier films he's known for is "Biohazard", which is one of many creature features made in the 80's to piggyback off the success of "Alien". It also isn't a good movie-or a particularly interesting one at that.

The plot deals with a "matter transfer device" (and if you are thinking "that sounds like something out of a 50's science fiction movie"-that's kinda the point-more on that later) that materializes a strange metal box. So, "what's in the box?" as Brad Pitt said in "Seven"? Well, it's not Gwyneth Paltrow's head (what, it's been over 20 years. It doesn't really count as a spoiler at this point), but a pint sized alien creature (played by the director's son) that does what alien beings do in horror movies. Now, it's up to a psychic (Angelique Pettyjohn) and a bunch of characters you don't really give a shit about to stop the beastie.

Though it features a cast of B-Movie vets (including a slumming Aldo Ray), a clear love for 50'sci-fi movies and an shockingly fun ending, "Biohazard" is a chore to sit through. There's a little bloodshed and some female nudity, but none of it is particularly interesting. The creature itself looks cheap as all get out (you even see the zipper on the suit at least two or three times) but lacks charm or personality. The acting is awful, as several of the actors involved seem like they wish they could be anywhere else but here.

Oh, and there is padding in the movie. So. Much. Padding. The dialogue often feels rudimentary, and even the attack scenes and attempts at humor feel halfhearted attempts to pad out what's essentially a ball of nothing. Oh, and the blooper reel in the end credits that never seems to end. You know what I really hate? Blooper reels at the end of horror movies. It's the epitome of laziness.

Unless you are a masochist or have to watch every monster movie from the 80's, then there is no reason whatsoever to watch "Biohazard", as it represents most of what was bad about these movies. Amazingly enough, there was a sequel made nine years later. You watch it. I wouldn't dare to.

Rating: 1.5/10

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