Talk of Horrors

The Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption (2012)

2012-02-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

In the field of reviewing movies, especially genre movies, you end up having to review films you have no interest in watching. Case in point: "The Scorpion King 3: Battle of Redemption", a sequel to a prequel to "The Mummy." Granted, the original "Scorpion King", whilst not a great movie, was a decent little slice of Sword n' Sorcery cheese that benefited from a strong central performance from Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. For this direct-to-video sequel? Our hero is played by Victor Webster.

Taking place after the first movie (the prior movie was another prequel), our hero has lost his kingdom and his girl to the plague, and is now a wandering mercenary. He's given a chance at redemption though, because King Horus (Ron Perlman) has hired him to stop the evil tyrant Talus (Billy Zane), who has taken over the kingdom and wants to get the help of 3 ghost warriors (Dave Bautista, Selina Lo and "Tapout Presents" stalwart Kimbo Slice) to help him take over the world. Fortunately for our hero, he's got a sidekick in the oafish Olaf (Bostin Christopher) and a heathen warrior named Silda (Krysal Vee.)

First things first: It's kind of weird to see Perlman here. Granted, he's no stranger to bad direct-to-video movies, but he's got a hit TV show in "Sons of Anarchy", and was in three major theatrical releases last year-on in which was "Drive", which was the best movie of that year. You'd think he's at a point in his career where he doesn't need to take roles like this, but oh well. Also, he seems really bored, and you can tell he knows he's better than this.

I will give the movie this much: Billy Zane is a lot of fun and chews scenery in the best ways imaginable. Every time he opens his mouth, I couldn't help but feel amused. Also, the fight choreography is pretty impressive, and while he's still bad, at least Bautista is better than he was in "Wrong Side of Town" and "House of the Rising Sun." Finally, I liked the score from Trevor Morris, which is better than a movie like this deserves.

Apart from that, this is pretty bad. One of the things that's frustrating is that there are actually things here that have potential to be cool-ninjas, big kung-fu battles, sword fights and gorgeous, scantly clad women, but the movie drops the ball. In the right hands, this could have been like those goofy but fun "Conan the Barbarians" rip-offs like "Deathstalker" or it's sequel-except you know, with a PG-13 rating-but there's little in the way of cheesy enjoyment here. In fact, most of this is pretty routine, with the self-aware humor coming off as underdeveloped, and most of the performances-especially from Morris and Christopher-just come off as bad-bad and not so-bad-they-are good. Meanwhile, the script (from the writers of the obnoxious horror-comedy "Drive-Thru") is poor, and the direction from Roel Reine (whose found a nitch for directing straight-to-video sequels) is mediocre at best. Finally, the conclusion just feels anti-climactic, and doesn't offer any sort of punch.

"Scorpion King 3" is nothing more than yet another entry in the endless parade of bad direct-to-video sequels that parade Redboxes and Netflix these days. There's little here that stands out among them, so you probably don't need to see it.

Rating: 3.5/10

RIP Bill Hinzman (1932-2012)

2012-02-05T20:48:00.001-08:00

Nightmare (1980)

2012-02-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

It's a well known fact that after "Halloween", many a director felt the need to try and capture it's success. It's also a well known fact that only a select few are worth a damn, and that many of them were either bad or just plane boring. Holding a place in the latter and former categories is the Aussie slasher "Nightmare."

When she was a child, Helen "No relation to Tom" Selleck (Jenny Neumann) saw her mother having sex with a man, and later accidentally caused mom's death. Years later, she finds herself in a play that's a black comedy about death. Meanwhile, a killer is knocking people with connection to the play off with broken shards of glass.

First things first, the movie does a terrible job of hiding who the killer is. You pretty much know that it's Helen from the get go, what with the fact that she seems afraid of sex, talks in her mother's voice, and at one point has bloody hands. While the fact that the killer wears black gloves does give it a nice, Giallo-esque touch, and several plot points (the killer's weapon of choice, for example) point it towards the direction of that sub-genre, the whole thing is too poorly written to merit much comparison. Also, the kills are bloody, but rarely that interesting, and apart from a mean spirited, bisexual film critic (John Michael Howson), nobody here is particularly interesting, and outside of him and Neumann, nobody is any good.

So, how is it directed? Well, it's all pretty standard, with the murder scenes not being particularly memorable (save for the nasty killing of a couple having sex), and the theater scenes coming off as awkward-though that seems to be the point to be fair. The editing is pretty poor as well, especially during the murder scenes. There's actually some ripe potential for satire as far as the world of theater is concerned, but the movie seems too invested in working with the standard slasher motifs to care about that.

As far as slasher movies go, it's easy to see why this one has gone on to be ignored. There's worse that came out in the decade, but that's not really a recommendation.

Rating: 2.5/10

Classic VHS Art: Syngenor (1990)

2012-02-04T09:28:00.001-08:00

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

2012-02-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

I might sound like the late Andy Rooney here, but I like a lot of things, but dislike a lot of things too. Also, I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. Anyways, here's three things I do hate: Forced comedy, forced edginess, and forced merriment. "Hard Rock Zombies" combines all three with one of the most septic musical genres of all time-Hair Metal. However, I'm sure known hair metal haters Beavis and Butt-Head would have loved this movie simply for the fact that it has boobs.

A hard rock band of indeterminate status and no known name travels from town to town, landing gigs and getting groupies. They land in the town Grand Guignol (har har), which is ruled by hicks and rubes who hate that darn rock n' roll music don't ya know. They stay at a local house, and are killed off one by one. However, instead of ending there and putting us out of our misery, the band comes back as zombies thanks to a song that resurrects the dead, and kills off their murders one by one. Oh, I forgot to mention that said murderers are all Nazis, and their leader is none other than Hitler, and not Doug Hitler from that episode of "Happy Endings." Long story short, the band sadly still plays, the killers come back as zombies, and more zombies follow. Oh, and the singer is in love with a 14 year old named Cassie (Jennifer Coe.) Our hero the pedophile.

Everything about "Hard Rock Zombies" is forced, embarrassing and amateurish. Much of the movie feels like the world's worst music video (Okay, not really-that dishonor still and will forever go the Creed's "My Sacrifice") with it's awful songs that would make the likes of Kip Winger cringe. The humor is stuck between the worlds of "trying to hard" and "this isn't even worth any effort." Nothing in it makes any sense, and not in that amusingly wacky way of something like "Blood Diner" or artful ways of the likes of Argento and Bava. They make no sense in that the people behind it thought throwing random events and scenes that have no real connection together would somehow work. Even the anti-rock aspect is bad, as it's a sloppy commentary on how the likes of the PMRC were attempting to censor music.

Then there's the crush on Cassie. Maybe, just maybe the filmmakers were trying to do a commentary of rock music's objectification on underage girls (Motorhead's "Jail Bait" anyone?), and even if it is, the whole thing is incredibly creepy. It also doesn't help that nobody in the band-or in the movie for for that matter-is remotely likeable or interesting. When you find yourself rooting for Hitler to kill our protagonists, you know you've got something wrong.

The best way to describe "Hard Rock Zombies" would be "Imagine if the worst Hair Metal band ever made a B-Movie." Best left avoided, as I doubt even hardcore Poison fans will find anything to enjoy here.

Rating: 0/10

The Janitor (2003)

2012-02-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

Some readers probably know of or remember Elite Entertainment. Back in the day, they were one of the definitive distributors when it came to horror, first releasing Laserdiscs of beloved horror titles, then jumping in to DVD, releasing titles like "The Evil Dead", "Re-Animator", "The House on Sorority Row", "I Spit on Your Grave", and lesser known titles like "Tower of Evil." They also had a thing for indies such as Dante Tomaselli's "Horror", the sequel to "Savage Harvest", and today's entry in TJ Nordaker and Andy Signore's "The Janitor."

Signore stars as Lionel, who works with his buddy/mentor Mr. Growbo (Bruce Cronander) as a custodian at an office building. Having such a job is tough, especially with the fact that most of the people there take to disrespecting and humiliating him-which they shouldn't do, as he's prone for violent, murderous rage. Anyways, he takes interest in working at a fraternity, but when Growbo betrays him, only bad things can follow.

Made on a budget of peanuts and shot on video, "The Janitor" reminded me a lot of the kind of movies Troma put out back in the day and still release today-and I'm not just talking about the Lloyd Kaufman cameo either. Granted, that proves to be a blessing and a curse here.

As a blessing, it does sport two shockingly good performances from Signore and Cronander, who embrace their roles with glee, while Skip Pipo (yes, that's really his name) does an amusing enough job as the clueless Agent Page. There's also some shockingly funny scenes (including an inspired riff on "Rocky"), plenty of gratuitous female nudity, and lots of gore and inventive kills. In fact, the latter part is the highlight here, as the gore effects look pretty impressive for such a low budget movie. Oh, and look for a pre "American Splendor" and "30 Rock" Judah Friedlander.

As for the curse factor, I wasn't too fond of the constant barrage of gross out and toilet humor. Granted, this movie revolves around a killer janitor, but I really didn't need scenes with sperm being drank and two guys pissing and shitting all over the floor. There's also the usual faults of micro-budget horror (poor acting, bad cinematography and camerawork-though this looks better than a lot of recent no-budget movies I've seen), and some of the jokes just fall flat.

As a whole, if you are a diehard fan of movies that promise nothing but tasteless humor, gore and bouncing bosoms in the vein of Troma, this is a must. For me? Well, it's a decent little guilty pleasure. Nothing to go crazy over, but better than it has any right to be.

Rating: 6/10

As for Elite-well, they're in the midst of a bit of a comeback, with "The Deadly Spawn" soon coming to Blu-Ray, and several other newer indie titles in their belt. I feel good for them.

Syngenor (1990)

2012-01-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

By 1990, horror was not in the best of shape. The slasher movie had run it's course, much of Italy had moved on from zombies and cannibals, and since the Grindhouses of old were gone, fans had to turn to movie rentals for a fix. A key example of the kind of thing you saw on VHS was George Elanjian Jr.'s "Syngenor", which was actually a sorta sequel to William Malone's debut "Scared to Death" in that it kept the monster design, but did away with everything else.

At Norton Cyberdyne, scientists are hard at work with a new super soldier-a creature called a "Syngenor", or "Synthesized Genetic Organism" that doesn't need water and can reproduce asexually. Well, the critters get loose, and it's up to reporters Nick Cary (Mitchell Lawrence) and Susan Valentine (Star Andreeff) to blow the lid on it all. To make matters worse, company CEO Carter Brown ("Re-Animator's" David Gale) is not only addicted to a strange green drug (reference!), but is losing his mind.

In all honesty, "Syngenor" is not a particularly good movie. Most of the acting is bad, it's a bit slow, it's not as gory as it should be, and it feels kind of redundant at times. That out of the way, it's hardly an awful movie either. That's largely because there's a certain charm to it, be it the rubber-suit monsters (provided by guys who worked on "Aliens" and "The Abyss"), cheap optical effects, dated-but-fun score, over the top weaponry, security that dresses like "Q: Are We Not Men?" era Devo, brief but welcome female nudity, and a few fun kills. Also, the fact that the Syngenor monsters are meant to fight in the Middle East is kind of interesting, considering the fact that we were in the middle of the Gulf War at the time, and those wars that would happen years later...

Best of all though, is David Gale, who delivers a wonderful, scenery chewing performance. In short, he undergoes one of the most bizarre meltdowns in horror history, as he yelps, yells, kills and even wears a bunny mask backwards. He's the main reason to bother with this, and makes up for many of the movie's flaws.

Is "Syngenor" worth a watch? Well, if you crave straight-to-video garbage from the late 80's/early 90's, then this is reasonable enough garbage. Far from a classic, but it could have been much worse.

Rating: 6/10

This is the sole feature length credit for George Elanjian Jr., who also directed videos for Playboy, and lots of television work-including "Wild and Crazy Kids."

Writer Brent V. Freidman also served as a writer for Dan O'Bannon's "The Resurrected", "Infested", the Chuck Norris movie "Hellbound" and "Necronomicon: The Book of the Dead." His most well known credit though, is the "classic" sequel "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation."

The Hunters (2011)

2012-01-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

One of the things I've noticed about several straight to video horror films-particularly those released by Lionsgate and Anchor Bay-is that they are vehicles that largely focus on one particular cast member, while the more heavily advertised bigger star only has a small supporting role. Case in point: "The Hunters", which was directed by and stars Chris Brient, but on the cover, says that it stars Dianna Agron of "Glee" fame, who is barely in the movie at all. Call it bad marketing, call it a basic rule of generic horror and/or exploitation, or in this case, call it bad marketing in a movie that could have been much better.

Brient stars as Le Saint, a French cop who has a thing for unsolved cases. Well, he find himself embroiled in such a case, which leads him to an abandoned fort in the woods. Unfortunately for him, said fort is a place for hunters-who have a thing for "The Most Dangerous Game", if you will...

I will be honest: I expected this to be far worse than it is. In the movie's defense, the direction isn't too awful-it's hit and miss, but hey-and Brient has a good eye for location. Also, the acting is better than I thought it would be-well, except for Terrence Knox as Saint's boss-and it doesn't rely heavily on gore and has none of the torture aspects I was fearing it would have. In stead, this movie opts more for story and suspense.

Unfortunately, the story isn't all that good, and there's little if any suspense to be found. That's mostly because the movie seems to be confused as to what kind of movie it wants to be. Is it a survivalist horror tale? A horror drama? I had no clue what kind of horror movie this movie is, and that's a bit of a problem. It also doesn't help that side stories revolving around Alice (Agron) are brought in for little reason, and ultimately feel like they were added for padding, and so fans of the actress' show will be suckered into watching the movie. Finally, when Saint starts to fight back, it all feels anticlimactic, not to mention that it feels like something we've seen so many times before in the past.

I'm not going to harp on things like the trees letting off sparks when bullets hit them and the unconvincing (but limited) gore effects, because this is a low budget movie after all. I would however, like something that's at least a more coherent and interesting affair rather than the bland one I got instead.

Rating: 4/10

The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

2012-01-22T09:57:00.000-08:00

"The Crow" is one of my favorite genre movies from the 90's. A tale of revenge in the name of love, it was meant to be a star vehicle for Brandon Lee, who tragically, was killed during filming. The movie proved to be a hit in theaters and especially on home video, but the idea of a sequel didn't seem like the best idea in the eyes of the many. Nonetheless, one was made, it tanked, and it got bad reviews, though it's since gotten something of a cult following.

The story goes something like this: Ashe Corven (Vincent Perez) has come back from the dead thanks to a crow, and wants revenge on Judah (Richard Brooks) and his cohorts for the murder of his son, and gets some help from a now grown up Sarah (Mia Kirshner.)

That's about it as far as plot goes. One of the biggest problems the movie suffers from is the fact that it really doesn't have any reason to exist. The whole thing feels less like a sequel than it does a an unnecessary retread of very similar material instead of something fresh. The script is also problematic, with little information given about Judah and his rogues gallery of villains, or the rest of the supporting cast (Including Noah, whose played by the one and only Ian Drury.) Then there's Ashe Corven himself. Sure, it's easy to sympathize for the guy, but Perez is awful here, delivering bad one liners and acting more as a charisma vacuum than anything else. I'd complain about the bad CG, but Hollywood studios hadn't figured out how to use such technology yet, though that's no excusing the "death by crows" scene.

All of that out of the way, there are two things about this that save it from being unwatchable. For one thing, I like the rest of the cast. Kirshner does a fine job (and it easy on the eyes to boot) Brooks and Iggy Pop (yes, that one) ham it up in the right way, as does Thomas Jane and Thuy Trang (aka Tina from "Power Rangers.") Also, there's something kinda amusing about seeing a girl from that show in black leather and lace as a hit woman. I also really like the look of the movie, as director Tim Pope (a music video director-this counts as his sole directorial effort in film) and cinematographer Jean-Yves Escoffier (whose credits include "Nurse Betty" and "Good Will Hunting") create a world drenched in red, orange and gold colors with sex and violence at any corner, which adds to the atmosphere of supernatural vengeance vs. human decay and evil.

That's not enough to save the movie from itself though. The end result isn't what I'd call unwatchable, but little of it is what I'd call particularly good. We did get two sequels out of this-one got a small theatrical release (by that, I mean it played in one theater), whilst the other went straight to DVD. There's been a proposed remake for a while though, so I guess you can't keep a good crow down.

Rating: 4.5/10

Interestingly enough, there were two proposed sequels that never came to be. The first was going to be the writing/directing debut of Rob Zombie. That one had the title "The Crow 2037: A New Age of Gods and Monsters", and dealt with a man who comes back from the dead to seek vengeance against a Satanic Priest. The other, "Lazarus", would have given the series a Hip-Hop makeover, and was set to star DMX and Eminem.

Oh, and since the soundtrack plays an important part of these movies-there's some good tunes from P.J. Harvey, Tricky w/ The Gravediggas, White Zombie and Deftones. The rest of it ranges from forgettable to just plain bad-the less said about Bush's cover of New Order's "In a Lonely Place" the better.

Hostel: Part III (2011)

2012-01-21T13:13:00.000-08:00

I'm aware that I promised to get back to reviews earlier. In my defense: the fans in my computer were acting up. Now, onto business

There's four kinds of bad movies in horror: 1.) The kind of movie that's bad, knows it's bad, and celebrates it's badness to the dismay of the viewer, 2.) The kind that's nothing more than a cynical cash grab, 3.) The kind from an indie director whose trying his hardest, and 4.) The kind from a director whose doing what he can with the material given to him. Movie's #2 and # 4 are how I'd describe "Hostel: Part III": it feels like director Scott Spiegel is doing what he can with the material, but unfortunately, there's not much given to him. The end result can best be described as hollow.

Carter (Kip Pardue), Scott (Brian Hallisay) and their pals are off to Vegas, where they find themselves in a private party and some good times. Of course, things go south, and the next thing you know, the pals and two others find themselves in the cross hairs of the Elite Hunting Club.

There's only a few things worthy of note in this Eli Roth free entry in the "Hostel" series. A few of the performances are decent to good, the make-up and gore effects are actually not too bad, the score by Frederik Wiedmann is better than what you usually get in these kinds of movies and there's a great twist in the midway-point that's actually surprising. Apart from that, this is your standard-issue direct-to-video sequel, with more poor performances than good, a lack of imagination (well, outside of the fun camera angles), your standard issue poor plotting, and little if any actual enthusiasm.

Worst of all, it lacks the social commentary and black humor of the prior films. "Hostel" and it's sequel dealt with issues revolving around American ignorance and imperialistic arrogance towards other countries, as well as what would these days be described as "The 1% preying on the 99%." Here, you just get what feels like a relic from the mid 2000's. The movie is also more serious than the others, which is a shame. You don't get anything resembling memorable set-pieces (the "Elizabeth Bathory" scene in "Hostel II") or gallows humor (the street kids killing those pursuing the protagonist in "Hostel") here. Just a few semi-inspired moments scattered around a lot of boredom.

The best way to describe "Hostel: Part III" is that it feels like a studio flogging two dead horses. While I liked the first two, I wasn't pining for a direct-to-video sequel. Also, the "torture" genre is pretty much dead as far as popularity is concerned, as audiences have moved on to the likes of "Insidious" and the "Paranormal Activity" movies. This is a movie that ultimately has no real reason to exist.

Rating: 3/10

Quick Update

2012-01-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

First thing's first: I will go back to reviewing tomorrow.

Second: You' probably heard about the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and Protect Internet Protocol Act (PIPA.) When you see the names, you would at first think "Oh, they're trying to stop people from downloading music and streaming movies!" This is bigger than that. Let's say, I put a picture from a movie on my blog. Or someone posts a link to a streaming site. In short: you could lose this (and other) blogs is these bills are passed.

If SOPA and/or PIPA pass, it will give the federal government complete control over internet content. In short: they will have the power to censor and control the internet. Do what you can to contact your representatives to try and prevent these bills from passing. If not, and they do pass, then the internet as you know it will be as good as dead. Do you want that? Of course you don't, so do something. It's not just your internet that's in danger-it's everyone's.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

2012-01-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

So much has been said about how hard it is to mix horror and comedy. You could probably say the same about how to do a good "dumb" comedy. Granted, many a horror-comedy hybrid is ultimately dumb, so doing something that is funny or at least amusing and also dumb can be hard, because you run the risk of it being too dumb, and thus not that funny. Thankfully, Dirk Campbell's sole directorial effort outside of TV has both a title that get's your attention, and manages to be entertaining in spite (and in some cases, because of) it's absolute stupidity.

Nick Oddie (Neil Morrissey*), aka "Noddy", just got a great deal-a new motorcycle! Well, there's a bit of a problem-it's been possessed by it's former owner, who was the leader of some sort of Satanic cult, and it needs to kill people for their blood in order to live. Meanwhile, Inspector Cleaver (Michael Elphik) is on his case, and Nick is going to need the help of a priest (Anthony Daniels, mostly known for his role as C3PO) to stop the bloodthirsty hog, all while the body count rises.

If there's anything about "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle" that didn't sit well with me, it was the character of Inspector Cleaver. He comes equipped with "wacky" music, smells of garlic, and is nowhere near as funny people behind the movie think he is. I also wasn't too keen on the last shot of the movie, which leaves room for a sequel that will never happen, and then there's the fact that it could have about 5 minutes cut from it.

Outside of that, I had a lot of fun with this movie. The thing that helps the most is how committed it is to it's own universe. This is a movie with biker gangs, motorcycles thirsting for blood, said bike going on a killing spree in a hospital, lines like "let's kick some bottom", and so much more. Yet, you just go with it, and end up becoming damn near enamored with this tale. Plus, there's some genuine laughs to be had, references that are actually kinda fun ("An American Werewolf in London"), the acting is mostly good, the direction isn't bad, the songs are kinda catchy, and there's plenty of moments that leave your jaw open due to how strange they are. The highlight though, is a warped homage to "Shivers" in which Noddy encounters one of his own turds-which talks to him, then jumps into the poor guy's mouth. It's disgusting and crude, yet so utterly bizarre that I have to applaud it. I wonder if the creators of "South Park" are fans.

So, will this be your cup of tea? Well, it depends on your tolerance towards dopey comedy. While it occasionally is too dumb for it's own good, I found it to be a fun ride (pun intended), as it feels like a worthy heir to oddball Brit horrors like "Horror Hospital" and "Psychomania."

Rating: 7.5/10

*Neil Morrissey is mostly known for his role in the British Comedic Drama "Boon." He's also the voice of Bob the Builder, so in honor of that, I give you this:

Poster Art: The Initiation (1984)

2012-01-13T16:10:00.001-08:00

Funny how a movie so obsessed with Freudian analysis has a poster like this.

The Initiation (1984)

2012-01-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

Frats and slasher movies tend to go hand in hand. Starting with "Black Chritmas", it wasn't until 1983's "The House on Sorority Row" that we got several fraternity themed slasher movies-from "Girls Nite Out" to "Killer Party" for example. It makes sense really-with all the sex, drugs and debauchery that goes on, they are a prime target for killers. Another entry in the "killer knocks off kids in sororities" sub-genre is Larry Stewart's sole theatrical credit as a director, "The Initiation."

Kelly Fairchild (Daphne Zuniga) has been suffering the same nightmare since childhood-one that involves her parents and a man being set ablaze. At school, she's a member of the Delta Rho Sorority, and she and her friends are going through some initiations. She's also going through some tests thanks to her psychology teacher Peter (James Reed), which her parents (Vera Miles and Clu Gulager) don't approve of. To make matters worse, someone is killing people, and seems to be headed towards the kids, as they plan to spend the night at the mall...

"The Initiation" is undoubtedly a flawed movie. Only Zuniga, Miles and Gulger show any real acting talent, the electronic score is mostly annoying (though I liked the opening credits theme, which reminded me of Coil during one of their more ambient moments), and the conclusion is a pretty lame "He's the killer...no, he is!" ending that left me rolling my eyes. That out of the way, this isn't that bad. Why?

Well for starters, it's interesting to see a slasher focus more on the psychological aspects of the main character, and what do you know, she's not unlikeable either. In fact, many of the characters here get a credit or two of character development, with Marcia (Marilyn Kagan) in particular getting some sympathy from the viewer. Also, while not the goriest slasher, it does give us a few memorable moments, the stand out being one of the girls screaming into the microphone while she's being stabbed to death. Finally, while it does have a lot of the tropes of the "frat horror" genre (goofy costume parties, a shitty band, obnoxious pledges-actually, this is a lot like many slasher movies), the movie relies more on atmosphere and impending dread than it does splatter, and I kind of admire that. Some might complain that it takes too long to get to the slaughter, but I appreciated the slow burn approach. of the movie.

Is "The Initiation" one of the best 80's slashers? Not really. It is however, a decent little movie that's something of a diamond in the rough, and is worth checking out for those looking for such movies.

Rating: 7/10

Oh, and there's an interesting coincidence here: While everyone knows Zuniga went on to star on "Melrose Place", writer Charles Pratt Jr. went on to write episodes of said show. This also marks the only time he'd write a theatrically released movie.

Dead Space: Aftermath (2011)

2012-01-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently, because it did well, Anchor Bay decided that "Dead Space: Downfall", the animated movie prequel to the game "Dead Space", needed a sequel. Granted, "Downfall" was a bad movie, but hey, bad movies tend to get sequels ("Wrath of the Titans" anyone?) So, since I promised to tackle this sequel I didn't ask for (I doubt many people were pining for one), here goes.

Taking place a few weeks after the events of "Downfall", "Aftermath" deals with four survivors of the CDC O'Bannon (Oh, a reference!) are taken to a space station. Soon, Nick Cutter (Christopher Judge) starts seeing visions of her daughter, and through several flashbacks, we find out about the events prior to the rescue.

I will give "Aftermath" this much: the cell animation is better done this time, and it at least seems to be trying to offer something that resembles character development. However, the movie itself is boring. After a while, constant images of animates heads being severed and alien parasites being killed gets annoying, and it starts to feel like you are watching somebody play a video game instead of actually playing one. Also, while the cell animation has improved, we also have to contend with some very awkward CG animation. While there was CG in the prior movie, it was at least used sparingly. Here, seeing characters be CG one moment, and more traditionally animated the next is jarring, and leaves the viewer wondering "why didn't they just stick with one style?"

Another complaint I have is that while it tries to develop the characters, they are still wooden and lifeless. You don't hate anybody, but the movie offers no reason for you to care about them. You have to do more than "Hey, these people have families" to make the viewer care about them. Finally the conclusion is weak-here even worse than the last one, and leaves room for yet another sequel, though here's to hoping that never happens.

I mentioned in my last review that 15 year old me would have loved a movie like this. Here, he would say "Come on man, it's got gore and boobs!" Well, if I want to see an animated movie with that, I'll just watch "Heavy Metal."

Rating: 2.5/10

Dead Space: Downfall (2008)

2012-01-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

To quote Nathan Rabin in his review of "Glitter", "Call me a hero if you must (no really, you must.)" To be fair, I don't want you to look at me as a hero, but I do want you to know that this review wasn't originally meant to be. Originally, I was going to review "Vlog", but after watching the trailer, I went "to hell with that" and decided to review "Dead Space: Downfall" instead. This is apparently a prequel movie to the hit video game that I've never played (I'm not what you'd call a gamer), as well as the first animated movie I've ever reviewed.

In the Ishimura spaceship, a strange stone relic called the Red Marker is being transported to Earth. However, the people within the ship are slowly going mad, and something is infesting the ship. Now, Alissa Vincent (Nika Futterman) must stop the infection, and what do you know, that Red Marker has something to do with all of this.

Though a prequel, this is a movie that wears it's influences on it's sleeve. Here, you get rather obvious nods to "Alien" and it's sequel, "The Thing", George Romero's "Dead" films, the "Resident Evil" movies and "Event Horizon." On the plus side, this sucker is gory as hell, with mauled and mangled corpses, bloody monster death, bisection, dismemberment, decapitation and fountains of blood filling the screen. It's also got a few genuinely suspenseful scenes, and a decent score by Seth Podowitz.

That out of the way, the end result isn't what you'd call a fulfilling experience. This is partly due to the fact that you don't care about anyone here, as the characters are as thing as a thread of tissue paper, and about as deep as a puddle. It sure doesn't help that the voice acting is so hit-and-miss, and that much of the dialogue ranges from bad to awful. There's also a lot of themes touched upon, such as corporations and how they impact religion, but that feels unexplored, as we know nothing of the religious people (Unitologists or something) on the ship other than the fact that they believe the Red Marker has some sort of significance. Add some choppy animation, irrational decisions and an all around weak, sequel ready conclusion, and you have a miss.

If I were 15 and watching this, I'd tell 28 year old me "Hey man, this movie's awesome! Stop being such a dick!" However, I'm not 15 anymore, so I'm going to tell that 15 year old "Someday you'll learn." Oh, and there was a sequel, and yes I will be reviewing it. As I said earlier, call me a hero if you must (no really, you must.)

Rating: 3.5/10

The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

2012-01-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

It's weird to re-visit a genre movie I watched when I was younger. Especially if it's something I loved when I was a kid. That's right, I loved "The Giant Gila Monster" once upon a time, though I was like six or seven at the time. Revisiting it years later, it sure as hell doesn't hold up. Maybe I should watch the MST3K version again instead.

Anyway, the movie is about-well, it's about a Giant Gila Monster that's killing people in a rural Texas area. Oh, and there's a guy called Chase Winstead (Don Sullivan), who apart from having the most "It's the 50's" name imaginable, ends up having to help Sheriff Jeff (Fred Graham) solve the case of who or what is causing the disappearances. You'd think that a giant Gila Monster wouldn't be hard to spot, but hey.

"The Giant Gila Monster" is certainly not in the top of the 50's B-Movie ladder. The acting is bad (the exception is Graham, who does a decent job), and while the cheap effects* and souped up cars might be fun at first, after a while you cease to care. To be fair, the movie isn't badly made per say-it's just that there isn't much here to make it worth viewing. It especially telling that, whenever the Gila Monster (Seriously, a Gila Monster? I know those thing are poisonous, but they aren't exactly scary beings) isn't around, the movie is fucking boring. Also, why is the thing's existence never explained? Why is it that the people responsible for this seem to have no idea how nitroglycerin works outside of causing explosions?

The worst thing about this movie though, is the character of Chase. He's a "regular guy", you see-an auto-repair man who has to take care of his mom and sister, who walks with leg braces. Also, he tends to break out in song-and when he does, oh God. In short, he's a poor man's Elvis Presley. It's clear that producer Ken Curtis** had big hopes that this movie would make Sullivan (a veteran of 50's B-Movies like "Teenage Zombies", "The Rebel Set", "Curse of the Undead" and "The Monster of Piedras Blancas") a teen idol, and considering that he only got three roles after this, I think it's safe to say that never happened.

I know it sounds like I hate this movie, but in all honesty, I don't. The direction is decent, the score by Jack Marshall is good (I especially like the Theremin heavy theme) and at 74 minutes, it's not a total waste of time. It's just nothing that's memorable, and isn't worth rushing to your computer to see.

Rating: 4/10

*Director Ray Kellogg was a visual effects veteran whose credits in that field include "The Day the Earth Stood Still", "The Girl Can't Help It!" and a lot of movies you've never heard of. He also directed "The Killer Shrews", which played on a double bill with "Gila Monster", and the little seen and known "My Dog, Buddy." His most well known movie is "The Green Berets", which is awful largely for being a Republican's wet dream, and for other reasons.

**As an actor, Ken Curtis' include, "The Searchers", the Disney animated film "Robin Hood", "Gunsmoke" and "Ripcord." His other productions in film include the aforementioned "Shrews" and "Buddy."

Flesh Eating Mothers (1988)

2012-01-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! How about a new review to kick it off.

By the time 1988 rolled around, the Grindhouse theater as we knew it was pretty much dead. That of course, meant that you had to go to your local VHS rental for cheap, exploitative thrills, and there were more of those than there were Grindhouse theaters. Unfortunately, a lot of what you were getting now paled in comparison to what you got then, as we ended up getting an abundance of bad, low budget horror comedies. Movies like "Flesh Eating Mothers" for example.

In quiet suburbia, it seems the local mothers are acting strange. This isn't the usual "There's something bad going on in the suburbs" problem though-these ladies have acquired an appetite for...well, look at the title. Now, it's up to the local kids (who look older than teens-I mean some of them are clearly in their 30's) and a scientist who doubles as a mortician to save the day.

The biggest problem I have with "Flesh Eating Mothers" is how lazy it all feels. The whole thing is lifelessly directed and edited, without any thought given to things like characterization or plot development. The acting is bad even by the standards of straight-to-video schlock, and it's not the least bit shocking that few of the cast members went on to do anything else. I do have to give the movie props for being tasteless in it's depictions of violence, pretty much anything that's alive can become mom-chow. However, the gore is sloppy and unconvincing (save for a choice nose ripping), and even the biggest splatter fans might find their patience tested with this, though I will admit that the make-up effects on the mothers are shockingly good.

Also, there's ripe potential for some kind of moderately intelligent social satire, but the movie puts the ixnay on that. In fact, there's a weird pseudo-religious angle thrown in, in which it's said that the wave of cannibalism is the wrath of God punishing sinners. However, you then get more bloody cannibalism and a woman stuffing an entire sandwich down her mouth (which is grosser than any of the gore on display), which makes you realize how stupid the thing is, and that it's less a "Christian Horror" movie than it is another bad horror-comedy clearly inspired by Troma. That's fitting too, considering that it feels like the kind of forgettable movies Troma distributed back in the day.

I remember seeing the VHS cover of this back in the mid 90's. Looking back, it's a good thing I didn't bother to sit through this then, since I doubt even a 13 year old me would have enjoyed this kind of thing. Why? No nudity, though in this case, that's a good thing, as only one or two of the women here are attractive.

Rating: 1.5/10

This was the first directorial effort from James Aviles Martin, whose previously produced and co-wrote "I Was a Teenage Zombie" was a satire to 50's era B-Movies, as well as an homage to Troma. I've never seen it, though I do remember seeing the VHS box back in the day. His most recent work (2003) was a documentary called "Artwatch", so I doubt he looks back fondly at his contributions to the horror genre.

The songs in the movie were performed by Sherri Ehrlich (here performing under the pseudonym Sherri Lamar.) According to some research, it turns out that she now does folk music for kids under the name Miss Sherri. The things you learn while wasting your time.

Don Sharp: 1921-2011

2011-12-27T07:27:00.001-08:00

Dead Cert (2010)

2011-12-26T13:20:00.000-08:00

There are times that when you read a premise on paper that seems fun, you actually aren't surprised when it doesn't turn out to be particularly good. At least I'm not. I've already seen countless movies that had fun premises-"Shadow: Dead Riot" for example-that didn't live up to said potential. A recent case in point: "Dead Cert", which wants to be a mix of a tough British gangster movie and "From Dusk 'Til Dawn", and wastes said potential.

In the East End of London, Freddie "Dead Cert" Frankham (Craig Fairbrass, who seems to be forever cast as a big, tough guy from the East End) ends up getting mixed up in the affairs of Romanian Gangster Dante Livenko (Billy Murray) and his gang. Well, it turns out that Dante is a vampire known as the wolf, and to make matters worse, the local strip club Freddy and his pals frequent is now overrun with the bloodsuckers.

To be fair, this movie does feature some decent to good performances, especially Murray, whose a lot of fun as the villain. The problem though, is that it takes too long to get to the good stuff, so to speak. It's not until the fifty something minute mark that the club is overrun, and until then, the movie is mostly just a bunch of talk with the occasional act of violence padding out time. Speaking of which, after the vampires come out to play, we get more talk. In fact, there's so many scenes of people arguing and conversing that you kind of wonder why the filmmakers decided to include vampires at all.

Which leads to the movies biggest problem: it doesn't go far enough. Sure, there's bloodshed and the make up FX look good, but they aren't anything you haven't seen before. In fact, for a movie that has strippers turning into vampires, the movie feels sort of tame. It takes itself too seriously, doesn't offer the bountiful female nudity and gore one would hope for, and the final battle between humans and vampires feels pretty anemic.

I went into "Dead Cert" with low expectations, and guess what? Mission accomplished. There's nothing here that sets this apart from other crappy vampire movies or British crime/gangster movies. Your better off just watching "From Dusk 'Till Dawn" again instead of this generic soup.

Rating. 2/10

Best Sleeper Movies/Guilty Pleasures of 2011

2011-12-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

2011 gave us plenty of movies that accomplished a lot, but unfortunately, some went on to be ignored. Here's a look at the limited releases and straight to video movies of 2011 that are worth checking out, but few seemed to talk about, in no particular order.

Best Sleepers

-I Saw The Devil-Of all the genre movies released this year, this has to be my favorite. A look at the nature of revenge and the possibility of man becoming a monster, this is harsh, unblinking stuff, with unflinching, brutal violence, bloodshed and several sprinklings of the blackest of black humor.

-Dream Home-The housing crisis in China gets the horror treatment in this intelligent, blackly comic slasher splatter movie, with a particularly strong performance from lead Josie Ho as a woman hard on her luck, pushed to the brink.

-We Are What We Are-A tale of a cannibalistic family that doubles as an allegory on politics, sexuality and the fracturing of a family, "We Are What We Are" is an honest, intelligent drama that deserves more fans.

-Julia's Eyes-Though I wasn't thrilled with the conclusion, this Guillermo Del Toro produced film straddles the lines between an old school, De Palma style thriller and an artful Giallo. Definitely worth a look.

-Prey-A angry, wild boar is a catalyst for generational conflict in this entry of what I like to call the "Pigsploitation" genre. Nothing groundbreaking, but worth a look.

-Rambock: Berlin Undead-Of all the "Bloody Disgusting Presents" movies, I feel this hour long take on the zombie apocalypse has been unjustly overlooked, as it's an interesting look at a man who is looking hard and wide to reconcile with his ex amidst apocalyptic panic.

-Phase 7-Another overlooked "Bloody Disgusting Selects" movie takes a look at the aftermath of a pandemic. What sets it apart though, is the tone, which veers more towards the darkly comic than it does the typical straight faced approach.

-Kidnapped-What looks on the surface like another "home invasion" movie is actually an interesting spin on it, as it uses split screen techniques and interesting plot twists to create a nihilistic but better than usual twist on the sub-genre.

-Seconds Apart-The best of the "After Dark Originals" takes a look at two murderous twins with telekinetic powers, and how the rigors of high school life and blossoming sexual interests can affect sibling relationships. A thoughtful take on the "killer kids/twins" movie.

-Muay Thai Fighter-Yes, it's more of an action/drama with more emphasis on the latter, and yes, it's too long. That out of the way, this is a surprisingly well acted, choreographed and directed movie that exceeded my low expectations.

Better Late Than Never

-The Dead Matter-The self-distributed directorial debut (say that seven times fast) from one of the men behind musical group Midnight Syndicate is an assured blend of Gothic horror and tongue-in-cheek humor that relies more on atmosphere than it does gore. One of last year's biggest sleepers, which took me by surprise this year.

-Primal-Far from a classic, this pastiche picture is at least entertaining for what it is, and offers some choice laughs for good measure.

Guilty Pleasures

-The Taint-While it's way too self aware for it's own good, this tasteless, disgusting micro-budget movie also feels more like a Troma movie than many of it's kin does.

-Pleasures of the Damned-By all accounts, I should hate this micro-budget, sub-Troma satire/homage to trashy Grindhouse movies, which feels like it was made by a mediocre sketch comedy troupe. And you know what? I laughed hard at it many a time, though it does run out of steam within the last 20-15 minutes. The guiltiest "Pleasure" of the year.

So there you have it.

The Worst Movies of 2011

2011-12-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

Every year, we get cinematic trash heaps that one could have gone without seeing. Here is the worst, most forgettable, and most disappointing movies of 2011

Worst

-Sucker Punch-Some people really shouldn't write their own movies. While I've enjoyed Zack Snyder's movies up until this point, here he made a colossal disaster that was M. Night levels bad.

-Repo Chick-What if somebody did a "Tim and Eric" style sketch, only without anything funny, and stretched it out to feature length? Then "Repo Chick", a preachy, confusing and confused offering from Alex Cox, is what you get.

-The Bleeding-The worst attempt at trying to make a modern "Grindhouse" movie yet, "The Bleeding" makes "Bitch Slap" look like "Lawrence of Arabia" by comparison.

-The Roommate-"Hey, let's make "Single White Female", only for the teen and tween set, and make it so bad they'll hate it!"

-Straw Dogs-I'm a bit more forgiving towards remakes, as I've defended the "Friday the 13th" and "House on Sorority Row" remakes as guilty pleasures, and I really enjoyed "Fright Night." This however, is awful, and a slap to the face of the original.

-The Reunion-By far the worst WWE movie I've seen so far, "The Reunion" is a mirthless bore. You know, I like Amy Smart, and I wish she could get better work than this.

-Shark Night-An example of genre movie making at it's absolute worst, "Shark Night" is a cliche filled, gore and entertainment free slog-well, except for the always awesome Donal Logue.

-Season of the Witch-Nic Cage sleepwalks through this drab PG-13 medieval outing, with only Ron Perlman offering a fun performance.

-Dylan Dog: Dead of Night-The popular Italian comic gets a movie treatment that the ScyFy channel would look down on. At least wrestler Kurt Angle seems to be having fun.

-Blood Oath-Terrible no-budget slasher #379 from Troma. I almost feel bad adding this here, but this is a pain to sit through.

-The Dead and the Damned-At some point, you gotta wonder why nobody has made a good "zombies in the old west" movie.

-Vanishing on 7th Street-Brad Fuller finally makes a bad horror movie with this redundant, poorly written and poorly acted movie that feels like a bad rough draft turned into a movie.

-World of the Dead: Zombie Diaries 2-It's "military men vs. zombies" movie #255, with added shaky cam and rape.

-The Task-The worst of the "After Dark Originals" features one of the worst conclusions in a fright film this year.

-Blood Out-Bad straight-to-DVD cop/action/crime movie I lost the count from Lionsgate has the distinguishing trait of being dull as dirt and poorly directed and written and edited etc. to boot.

-Helldriver-Yoshihiro Nishimura's latest can best be described as the low budget splatter equivalent of a "Transformers" movie. Sure, there's plenty of gore and weird moments, but the whole thing feels tiresome and altogether pointless.

Most Meh

-Battle: Los Angeles-This is the definition of the kind of movie you see that you watch, and while you don't hate it, you won't remember anything about it. It's bland, but far from bad really.

-Grave Encounters-This however, is bland and bad, and feels like a case against making found footage horror movies.

-House of the Rising Sun-It's kinda like "Blood Out", only not as bad, but still pretty bad nonetheless. Oh, and again, poor Amy Smart.

Most Disappointing

-Conan the Barbarian-What makes this movie all the more disappointing is the fact that there's some real pluses here-a great star turn by Jason Momoa, some fun action scenes and a few one liners that are actually good. Unfortunately the bad direction, uneventful script and awful story keep it from becoming the fun movie it should have been.

-ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2-How do you not do a sequel to an entertaining slasher movie? You add corporate infighting, government conspiracies and poor explanations.

-Tetsuo The Bullet Man-The most disappointing movie of the year though, goes to the long awaited third film in the "Tetsuo" series, which is a hyper-edited, poorly written Hodge-podge of ideas that barely feel finished.

Future Bad Movie Cult Favorite

-Hyenas-If there's any movie that deserves the same kind of infamy "Troll 2" and "Shark Attack 3" have, it's Eric Weston's hilariously ill-conceived "Hyenas", which made me laugh more than any other bad movie this year did. A must for bad movie fanatics.

Riot on 42nd St. (1987)

2011-12-10T12:29:00.000-08:00

Tim Kincaid is a lot of things. A good director is not one of them. After gaining notoriety for the gay porn movies he directed in the 70's (no, I have not seen any of them), he went on to direct some of the absolute worst in 80's horror, science fiction and exploitation-"Breeders", "The Occultist", "Robot Holocaust" and "Bad Girls Dormitory" were among his movies outside of the world of pornography. With all that out of the way, "Riot on 42nd St." is of minor note, because it is a peon to the times in which cheap sex, violence, drugs and exploitation movies ruled that part of New York, and was one of the last of the dying breed of Grindhouse movies. That's not to say that it's any good.

Glenn Barnes (John Hayden) is a tough as nails ex-con who is paroled from prison, and wants to start a riot on 42nd street. There's a bit of a problem in rival club owner Farrell (Michael Spiro), who will do anything he can to keep Glenn from reaching his dreams. After Farrell's ferocious flunkies kill everyone off in the club's opening night, Glenn decides to go out for vengeance-even if that means going back to his old, violent ways. Also, Jeff Fahey shows up for some reason. While him showing up in a bad exploitation or genre movie wouldn't be out of the ordinary today, at the time he was something of a rising star, so it's a bit odd to see him here.

On paper, "Riot on 42nd Street" looks like it should be a lot of fun. It's got plenty of female nudity, some nasty violence and gore (the highlight involves a decapitation and said head ending up in the garbage), and it's clear that Kincaid has his heart in the right place. At the end of the day however, the whole thing is just bad. Granted, a lot of old exploitation movies are bad, but they still manage to be entertaining.

However, the problem is that Kincaid is a bad director and writer. The story makes little if any sense, and is full of continuity errors and lapses in the most basic logic, not to mention the poor cinematography, awful acting, awful music, and lack of any real edge. Sure, it's sleazy and gory, but in this case, nostalgia for the old days of trash cinema can only get you so far, especially when your movie doesn't have much in the way of story, characterization or motivation. Besides, the movies it wants to be like had good to decent directing. This feels like it's being directed on autopilot.

To say that this is Kincaid's crowning achievement isn't saying very much. If you are going to see one urban exploitation revenge saga-Then for crying out loud, go watch "Vigilante" or "Savage Streets" or "The Exterminator."

Rating: 4/10

Razortooth (2007)

2011-12-08T14:03:00.000-08:00

There's a television channel called "Chiller." You probably know what it is. They're dedicated to horror, and while they occasionally show one of the classics (albeit usually in edited form), they also like to show movies that studios like Viviendi, Anchor Bay, Image and Lionsgate like to dump straight to DVD. I mention this because if there was ever a movie for that channel, it would be Patricia Harrington's monsters-snacking-on-rednecks movie "Razortooth."

Set in a small Southern community, "Razortooth" deals with a giant eel that's snacking on the locals. Delmar Coates (Doug Swander) and his ex, Sheriff Ruth Gainey (Kathleen LaGue) are on the case to see why the towns people are disappearing. I've already explained why, so let's just get down to it: there's also some kids who are accompanied by a scientist (Simon Page), whose responsible for the big man-eater.

There isn't much in "Razortooth" that's particularly good or memorable. Oh sure, it occasionally feels like the kind of regional horror fair you used to get, and there's moments in which score is decent, but that's it. The acting ranges from bland (our leads) to bad (the kids) to over the top and obnoxious (the townspeople, who are a bunch of actors hamming it up with fake Southern accents.) The gore is your standard "blood shooting from prop bottles" nonsense, while the eel itself is a stiff moving CGI creation that looks like something from a SyFy Channel movie.

That's what the movie feels like too. I know that this is an independent movie with a budget of $3,000,000, but I've seen so many horror movies made for less that look better, are more ambitious, and offer more entertainment than this. There's little here that resembles a movie anyone would give a damn about. For something that's being touted as being from "A producer of "The Devil's Rejects"", this feels pretty anemic.

If you crave CGI monster movies of all kinds, then you might enjoy this. Everyone else will feel like this is a waste of time, and not worth the 90 minutes.

Rating: 2/10

Oh, and one of the cast members is Josh Gad, whose found success recently for his role in the Broadway musical "The Book of Mormon."

Classic Poster Art: Savage Streets (1984)

2011-12-05T13:16:00.001-08:00

ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2 (2011)

2011-12-02T13:15:00.001-08:00

Some readers may remember a while back when I reviewed Robert Hall's slasher movie "Laid to Rest." I found it to be a good time, but it didn't lend itself to be some kind of classic-not that it was trying to be one-and little about it seemed like it needed a sequel. Well, fans demanded it, so Hall decided to give them one. The end result...is not too good.

Starting where the original left off, we see ChromeSkull (Nick Principe) left for dead, his skull crushed. However, he's not dead yet, as Preston (Brian Austin Greene-yes, that one) brings him back to a shady government building, where he is put back together. Now he's disfigured (he should at least be glad he's alive), but Spann (Danielle Harris) has plans plans for him-and is in a bit of a power struggle with Preston, whose hellbent on becoming the new ChromeSkull. Soon, a girl named Jess (Mimi Michaels) and Tommy (Thomas Dekker) from the last movie are at the mercy of two killers...

The first mistake "ChromeSkull" makes is that it reveals too much about the killer. Sure, we don't know his history or why he does what he does, but when it turns out that he works for some large corporation, it ruins the character. One of the reasons ChromSkull (or as he will be called from here on out, Skully) was so interesting in the original is that we knew nothing about him other than the fact that he was a killer with a camera, a chrome skull mask and an assortment of sharp weapons and creative ways to kill people. That's all we needed to know about him. By making him an employee of sorts, it kills whatever mystique he had. Plus, there's so many plot-holes in the movie. What does this corporation do? How are they financed? We end up getting more questions than answers, and it's frustrating.

It also doesn't help that the story is so uninteresting, and the various sub-plots are kinda lame. We don't need two people in a corporate power struggle. We don't need a boring police procedural. We especially don't need someone moonlighting as a killer. We need protagonists that are interesting and a story that doesn't feel convoluted. Oh sure, we've got great kills and gore, as well as an effective Industrial Rock score and good performances, but when the plot is weak and the side-story is lame, you don't really care all that much. When a weak "final girl" moment and a plot twist after the end credits that's insulting in how stupid it is is what you have, then what's the point of watching?

It really sucks that a movie with potential and such a great slasher ended up becoming a mess, but lo and behold, that's what you get. The ending leaves room for a sequel, but if you ask me, they should stop here.

Rating: 3/10

Attack of the Giant Leeches (2008)

2011-11-27T15:35:00.000-08:00

In Bill Gibron's review of this movie, he mentions that Gene Siskel had a good point: why remake good movies when there's plenty of not particularly great ones that could benefit from a remake? Why bother remaking "Halloween", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "The Wicker Man" when they are perfect as they are? Why not remake "Lair of the Minotaur" or in this case, "Attack of the Giant Leeches"? The original is watchable, but it's far from a classic, and remaking it makes sense. So who decided to take this on? Brett Kelly, a micro-budget wunderkin whose garnered a small following for his nearly budget-free films.

The plot is somewhat similar to the original, or at least in spirit. When people from a swamp town begin to turn up missing, a local sheriff begins to investigate. Someone says they saw giant leeches, so Bucky turns to a difficult park ranger, whose also having an affair with his ex-girlfriend. Soon, more people start to turn up missing...

Kelly could have gone two ways with this-he could have made a straight up homage to the original, or he could have gone the splatter-comedy route. Instead, he makes a direct, 21st century style update, only without anything that's memorable or interesting. The problems? Well for one thing, the audio and video quality resemble that of a Youtube video. I know this was made for next to nothing, but it all looks mostly like Kelly didn't put a whole lot of effort into it. The characters are dull, lacking anything that would make the viewer interested in the final product-hell, the original at least had Yvette Vickers. Then there's the leeches themselves. Sure, they look slightly better than the ones from the original, but that's not saying a whole lot. In fact, I prefer the original's "men in industrial sized trash bags with suckers attached to them." They at least had a campy appeal.

That's the movies biggest flaw-there's little if anything in it that's appealing. Sure, there's girls in bikinis and lingerie, but while that would appeal to audiences of the pre-grindhouse exploitation market, but this was made in 2008-it takes a little more than that to make your movie work. What we get instead is something lacking anything resembling wit or charm. It's a movie that's ultimately lifeless.

As it stands, even fans of micro-budget horror movies will find this to be sorely lacking. If you're going to see one movie about giant leeches-watch the original "Attack of the Giant Leeches." At least you won't feel like falling asleep.

Rating: 1/10

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

2011-11-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

When it was announced that a remake/reboot of one of my favorite action movies, the John Millus sword n' sorcery classic "Conan the Barbarian", I was one of many that was unsure of the idea. I mean, on one hand, I think it's not the best idea, but on the other, the 82 movie is more Millus and Oliver Stone's take on "Conan" than it is the Robert E. Howard creation. I didn't see the movie in theaters, so now that it's on DVD and Blu-Ray, let's take a look.

Opening with a prologue narrated by Morgan Freeman (okay then...), we learn that Conan was born on the battlefield. By that, I mean his father Corin (Ron Perlman) delivered a c-section on his mom during battle. Why a pregnant woman is fighting in war is beyond me, but hey. Years later, young Conan (Leo Howard) watches his village and people become destroyed, and his father killed by warlord Khalar Zym (Steven Lang) and his men.

As an adult (Jason Momoa), Conan is a thief and pirate, who finds Lucius (Steven O'Donnell), who was one of Zym's men that he disfigured as a child. After getting some information out of him about the whereabouts of Zym, he finds out that he's a name known across Hyboria, and he and his daughter Marquis (Rose McGowan) are searching for the pure blood princess Tamara (Rachael Nichols) so they can bring back Zym's wife and enslave humanity. So now, Conan must save the princess and save the world in the process of his quest for vengeance.

If there's anything the new "Conan" really gets right, it's the casting of Momoa as Conan. Simply put, he feels more like the Conan of the stories, as he's not just some brute. He's intelligent, hatches plans, has goals, and can talk fluently as well as he can go into violent rage. The action scenes are also very well done, and bloody as hell, while the sets look like the Hyborian age of the stories. Also, Perlman does fine work as Conan's father, and Lang delivers a fun (albeit scenery chewing) performance. McGowan meanwhile...she's not good, but she vamps it up so much that I kinda liked her. Finally, while it's nowhere near as great as the original, the score by Tyler Bates does it's job-I especially like the Celtic touches.

Sadly, that's where the positives end. For one thing, the direction by Marcus Nispel (whose "Friday the 13th" remake I enjoyed) is the definition of nondescript, as little of it feels epic or fun, and lacks the edge of the original. The story meanwhile, is incredibly dumb, and feels like it was rejected by the SyFy channel, while the script is filled with holes and bad dialog (while Momoa is great, I had to cringe when he delivered lines like "I don't want your gold-I want your head!") The conclusion is also lacking, as it feels anticlimactic, while the rest of the performances-especially Nichols-are all pretty poor.

Which leads to my biggest complaint-the movie lacks fun for the most part. Sure, the action scenes look great, and there's moments that let us know how much of a badass Conan is, but as a whole, it doesn't have the adventurous, pulpy greatness of the original stories. This is a movie with a man who doesn't take any shit, has a code of honor, and is an all around certifiable bad motherfucker who gets girls, kills villains and is tougher than nails. Yet, while it has a great Conan, the story, direction and plotting feel beneath such a character. The end result feels more like a studio patch-job in which they went "Okay, we've got a well known property, let's do make a movie with it" without doing much and ignoring what the final product might look like.

It's a real shame too, because there's some stuff I really like here, and there's a fun movie hidden somewhere. However, the end result just feels lukewarm, and isn't anywhere near as enjoyable as it should be.

Rating: 4.5/10

The Wrong Turn Series

2011-11-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

2003 was the year in which backwoods and redneck horror made a comeback, with "Cabin Fever" (my favorite of that years bunch), Marcus Nispel's remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and Rob Zombies directorial debut "House of 1,000 Corpses" coming to theaters. Then there was "Wrong Turn", which took a basic concept (pretty young people are stalked in the woods by inbred cannibals) and managed to make it entertaining again-and brought forth a franchise. Here, without further adu, is a look at said franchise.

The first "Wrong Turn" deals with Chris Flynn (Desmond Harrington) who ends up taking a different route and crashes into a car that has some kids-Jessie Burlingame (Eliza Dushku), Carly (Emmanuelle Chrique), her husband to by Scott (Jeremy Sisto) and couple Evan (Kevin Zegers) and Francine (Lindy Booth.) It turns out though, that there was barbed wire on the road-planted by Three-Finger (Julian Richings), Saw-Tooth (Gary Robbins) and One-Eye (Ted Clark)-three deformed, inbred killers with cannibalistic intents.

The first "Wrong Turn" is pretty by the numbers plot wise, but it makes up for it with energy and enthusiasm, as well as better than usual performances and some choice kills. It also helps that director Rob Schmidt clearly knows what he's doing-a throwback to 70's and 80's horror-and manages to give it a modern sheen without betraying the roots of the backwoods sub-genre. All in all, an enjoyable little slice of slasher cinema. 7.5/10

Though it wasn't a huge theatrical hit, it proved to be successful enough on DVD to warrant a sequel. This one takes place in the woods again, in which a reality show called "Apocalypse: Ultimate Survivalist" is being filmed, and is hosted by former Military Colonel Dale Murphy (Henry Rollins.) It's contestants: loner Nina Papas (Erika Leerhsen), former high school football player Jake Washington (Texas Battle), Iraq war vet Amber (Danielle Alonso), obnoxious skateboarder Jonesy (Steve Braun), and slutty model Elena Miller (Crystal Lowe.) Long story short, it turns out that this family is bigger that we thought it was, and they're hungry for seconds.

Going the route of 80's slasher and splatter movies, "Wrong Turn 2: Dead End" takes a horror/comedy route, with amplified black humor, nudity and gore-and thankfully, director Joe Lynch takes advantage of the "Unrated" status for this direct to DVD sequel, which also features some good performances (Rollins in particular is great, clearly having a blast with his role) and inspired kills (this sucker is filled with them.) Best of all, it manages to tell a story about the family without ruining them. Though it does have a few flaws (Braun is really annoying), this is a rare sequel that improves on the original. 8/10

Unfortunately, the law of diminishing returns ends up being the case from here on out, as "Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead." It opens strong enough, with some always welcome female nudity and gore, only to go route to a broken down prison bus, with Nate Wilson (Tom Fredrick) running into Alex Hale (Janet Montgomery), who survived an attack from Three-Finger (Borislav Iliev.) While the cannibal hunts the prisoners and officers down, the crew needs to know who they can trust, as Carlos Chavez (Tamar Hassan) is losing his mind, and the fact that Three Fingers' son was killed isn't helping matters.

Though it boasts some fine kills and a nice performance from Hassan, "Wrong Turn 3" feels a bit too by the numbers. Having two killers on the loose instead of three or a whole family kind of take some fun out of it, as does the bad CG effects and lifeless direction from Connor James Delaney. It's your basic straight-to-DVD sequel and nothing more. 4/10

A very minor improvement is Declan O'Brien's prequel "Bloody Beginnings", which starts twenty nine years before the original. Here, we learn that Three Finger, Saw-Tooth and One-Eye were originally in an asylum, where all hell broke loose and they killed the doctor and nurse. Cut to winter years later, and a few months before the original, in which a group of college kids go to the now seemingly abandoned asylum...

Thankfully, there's less CG in this one, and the amplified gore and nudity of the first sequel returns. Unfortunately, this skips on the black humor and inspired mayhem of that movie, and ends up being yet another entry in a franchise that should probably end already. The acting is mostly bad (same with the prior entry), and much of it feels as if it's going through the motions. Not essential viewing unless you love all three of the prior movies. 4.5/10.

So there you have it, a look at all four entries in the "Wrong Turn" franchise. If you must, watch the first two, and skip the rest.

The Dead and the Damned (2011)

2011-11-15T14:45:00.000-08:00

In the world of movies, imitation is a given. After "Animal House", there was "King Frat" and "Van Nuys Boulevard." After "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th", you got a whole bunch of slasher movies. I think you get the point. So with the likes of "Shaun of the Dead", the "Dawn of the Dead" remake and the TV series "The Walking Dead" to name a few, it's a given that zombies are hot property. With that being said, a lot of the zombie movies you are going to get-especially nowadays-are pretty poor to forgettable films that go straight to video. Films like "The Dead and the Damned."

Mortimer (David A. Lockhart) is on a mission to capture a Native American man named Brother Wolf (Rick Mora), and plans on using Rhiannon (Camille Montgomery) as bait. Meanwhile, a meteor has crashed onto Earth, and is found and sent to town. After it's cracked open though, it lets forth a toxic chemical that turns the townspeople into zombies. Can Mortimer and co. survive?

Made with a budget of $30,000, "The Dead and the Damned" is the kind of movie that defines uninspired. I can't fault it for having such a low budget and poor production values, but I can fault it on having no idea what to do with that budget, as well as horrible acting. The movie tries to make Mortimer and Wolf sympathetic figures, but the stories given to them are as cliche as they come. Sure, the zombie make-up looks good, and there's nudity, but it's nothing you haven't seen before, not to mention done better. Also, while there's gore, it's also of the "seen it a billion times" variety, with unconvincing prosthetic limbs, machetes to the head, and cheap looking splatter filling time.

I'd also be more forgiving if it felt like writer/director/composer/editor Rene Perez had done a movie with more effort put into it. For all I know, he put all he could into it. However, the end result feels like something made without any passion so it can con a dollar or two out of the viewer. It would also help if he knew how to tell a story, because nothing in the story presented is particularly interesting or investing.

I wish "The Dead and the Damned" was a better movie, as I really like the idea of mixing a western with zombies. However, this is just a bore to sit through, and isn't worth your time.

Rating: 1/10

The Hazing (2004)

2011-11-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

Rolfe Kanefsky has never made a great horror film. That's okay though, as he clearly has no intention on making a classic. His horror movies ("There's Nothing Out There", "Nightmare Man" and "Corpses") are clearly made with adolescent interests-boobs, blood, beasts and more boobs-in mind, not to terrify you or make deep social statements. Is he always successful? No, but these movies, if you are in the right state of mind, can be amusing wastes of time, such as tonight's entry, "The Hazing."

Professor Kapps (Brad Dourif) has some evil intentions in mind-intentions that involve a staff (get your mind out of the gutter dammit) and a book. Meanwhile, a group of sorority pledges are in the midst of a hazing, when Kapps finds Marsha (Tiffany Shepis.) To make a long story short, he ends up dying-sort of. You see, he can now possess people, and he begins to knock off the pledges one by one.

As you can see, there's nothing in the head of this movie, as it's pretty much the same "kids run into evil in a house" premise you've seen in "Hell Night" and "Night of the Demons", which are clearly influences here. That's fine however, since the acting here is better than it was in "Demons" (Dourif, Shepis and Perry Shen in particular are great), and Kanefsky has some fun with some stereotypes, such as the blonde Delia (Nectar Rose) not being the dumb blimbo she seems to be. That out of the way, it's blood and boobs you want from a movie like this, and it delivers. Nearly every woman here gets topless, and the kills are largely pretty good. The highlight however, is a possession that ends with a tongue becoming extra elongated, which really brought to mind that aforementioned "Demons."

There are problems though. First of all, while some of the jokes work, others-especially some awful puns and a really unnecessary fart joke-fall really flat. Also noticeable are some awful CG effects, though I'll let that slide a bit considering that this is clearly a low budget movie. Finally the conclusion didn't work for me, as it's not as fun as the director thinks it is.

A part of me feels the same way I did about a no-budget movie called "Pleasures of the Damned", in that when you get down to it, the jokes eventually run out of steam, and it's in no way good. That out of the way, for a Netflix rental or stream, you could do a whole lot worse, and it's clear most involved had a good time.

Rating: 6/10

Grave Encounters (2011)

2011-11-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not what you'd call a fan of reality television. If you are, then knock yourself out. Me? I'm spoiled by certain comedies from NBC ("Community" and "Parks and Recreations") and plenty of cable dramas, so I tend to lean towards stories and actors. That out of the way, reality shows have become a boom for horror, as everything from backwoods cannibals ("Wrong Turn 2") and found footage movies ("7 Nights of Darkness") have exploited the trend. Let's take a look at another "found footage" movie that's taken on reality television in "Grave Encounters."

Lance Preston (Sean Rogerson) and his motley crew are a part of a supernatural/ghost hunting show "Grave Encounters." They are now filming in Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital, where supernatural phenomena has talked about for years. Of course, they don't believe any of this, but little do they know...

Apart from a few effective moments (the most striking involving hands sticking out of walls), the most notable plus in this movie is the way it perfectly captures the stupidity of "ghost hunting/haunting/paranormal" shows. I've seen enough clips of these things to know how full of shit the creators are, so it's amusing to see a movie take a jab at that.

Apart from that, this isn't a particularly rewarding movie. It's clear that writer/director team The Vicious Brothers (yes, that's their names) are influenced by the wave of paranormal reality shows, but the movie does little that makes it stick out in the long rut of recent "found footage" movies. If you've seen any of the "[REC]" or "Paranormal Activity" movies, as well as "The Blair Witch Project", then you've seen this. It also doesn't help that most of the performances here are poor, especially Merwin Mondesir as always freaking out T.C. Finally, while there are some frightening images, there's also so many things you've seen before (people not putting the fucking camera down, something in the bathtub, ghosts that are like a mix of the infected in the "[REC]" movies and the murderous ghosts in the remake of "House on Haunted Hill") that it becomes difficult to care about what's going on.

"Grave Encounters" is a movie with pluses (a few okay scares, the fact that the Brothers Vicious show some potential), but left be unsatisfied by the time it was over. A noble attempt, but little more.

Rating: 4.5/10

Brides of Blood (1968) and Mad Doctor of Blood Island (1968)

2011-11-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

If you are aware of exploitation movies from the Philippines, you are aware of the name Eddie Romero (no relations to George.) If you aren't: He was a director who found a niche in directing exploitation movies from the 60's to the 70's, then went on to do more "respectable" movies. Well, we aren't here to talk about the latter, we're here to talk about trash, and that's exactly what the "Blood Island" trilogy was-unapologetic exploitation made for drive-in's and Grindhouse theaters. Let's take a look at movies one and two in the trilogy (part three isn't really worth talking about IMO.)

First is "Brides of Blood", in which Jim Farrell (former teen heartthrob John Ashley), Dr. Paul Henderson (Kent Taylor) and his libido fueled wife Carla (Beverly Powers) have ended up on Blood Island. Here, man eating plants fill the jungles, and a monster created by radiation maims and rapes women who are offered as virgin sacrifices.

Though it suffers from some serious pacing issues, "Brides" is fun for what it is. This is a movie with cheap looking plants, one of the goofiest looking monsters of all time, and some minor gore and topless beauties. In fact, the thing that makes this (and it's sequel) so interesting is the fact that these are essentially 50's style monster movies that have fallen into the trappings of late 60's exploitation. The monster and plot elements are dated, but they manage to work thanks to it's seedier elements.

Meanwhile, "Mad Doctor of Blood Island" is a sequel in name only. Here, Dr. Bill Forester (Ashley again) ends up in Blood Island, where a monster created by Dr. Lorca (Ronald Remy) is slaughtering people in gruesome manners. Can the monster be stopped? What happened to the man-eating plants? Will Forester be able to nail Sheila Ward (Angelique Pettyjohn)? What's with the mother and son who seem to have an almost incestuous attachment?

I find "Mad Doctor" to be the best of the "Blood Island" movies. Here, the pacing is better, as the movie moves at a decent clip. Also, the exploitation elements have been ramped up, as we get more nudity, and more gore. Severed limbs, decapitation, mutilation and exposed innards are the name of the game here. Also, while "Brides" tends to get a bit talky, "Mad Doctor" is more dedicated to action and cheap thrills, which is a big plus. That out of the way, some of the camerawork is suspect, especially the zooming in and out that occurs whenever the monster attacks.

As a whole, I don't think you can call these good in the traditional sense. However, as far as trash is concerned, these are pretty fun, and serve as good introductions to the more horror related side to Filipino exploitation.

Ratings:

Brides: 7/10
Mad Doctor: 7.5/10
Now, without further adu, the monster from "Brides of Blood."

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

2011-11-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed it took me this long to do a sharksploitation movie. Anyway, in 1990, Claudio Simonetti directed "Troll 2", a sequel nobody asked for that became a cult classic because of how bad it was. Twelve years later, David Worth (who apart from this, is known for directing the Jean Claude Van Dam movie "Kickboxer") gave a new generation it's own "Troll 2" with "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon."

In something that never happens in movies, a shark (in this case, a prehistoric one called a Megaladon) is killing people, and Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) wants it dead, while researcher Cataline Stone (Jenny McShane) wants to study it. Well, they kill it, but it's mom is pissed, not to mention huge. Also, this movie taught me that sharks roar.

To watch "Shark Attack 3", you have to understand that this was a part of a series of movies that were going straight to DVD and video in the earlier parts of the last decade-shit, Tobe Hooper directed one called "Crocodile." What's notable about these is that they predated the kind of movies the ScyFy channel (then called the Sci-Fi Channel) and The Asylum now make. So look at it as a something from a very minor part of movie history.

Also, you watch this movie is to know that this is the antithesis of what one calls a good movie. This movie is a mix of minor practical gore, lots of stock footage (the mama shark attacks are a superimposed shark "swallowing" people), embarrassing CG effects, more embarrassing acting, the pointless inclusion of government cover ups, shallow villains, nudity and so much more. At the same time, it's a movie that's impossible to hate, simply because it's the kind of thing that's not supposed to be bad (at least I don't think), and becomes hypnotic after a while. You just find yourself amazed at what you are seeing, laughing from time to time at the ineptitude presented. It really must be seen to be believed.

Of course, I can't go on without mentioning "the line." Long story short, Carpenter (who really isn't that likeable of a character to begin with-he's kind of a douche to be honest) tells Catilina "But you know I'm really wired. What do you say I... take you home and eat your pussy?" The next thing you know, they are having sex in a shower.

"Shark Attack 3" is the kind of movie that defies any sort of proper rating. Fans of bad movies already are aware of it's existence, which makes me wonder what this decade's equivalent of this movie will be. Time will tell.

Rating: I Don't Know

Goblin (2010)

2011-11-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I didn't want to do a review tonight. October was fun, but after reviewing twenty something movies for that month, I figured "Hey, you could use a break!" Well, so much for that, as I'm reviewing the SyFy Channel movie "Goblin."

The movie actually starts out promisingly enough, opening on Halloween of 1831. Here, the townspeople throw the deformed baby of the town witch into a fire. Of course, they are now cursed, and the baby-which was a Goblin (obviously) now feeds on babies every Halloween. Cut to present day, where the Perkins family are moving into town, and what do ya know, it's Halloween, and the monster is hungry.

If there are any bright spots to be found, it's the fact that the kills are surprisingly gory for a TV movie, and character actor Gil Bellows does a fine job as the father. That's about all I can say that's positive though, because "Goblin" is a bore to sit through. The monster is a bit lame, and is never convincing with the lame CG effects enhancements they offer. In fact, none of the CG effects looks any good, and wouldn't look out of place in a bad video game with cheap graphics. Even the direction by Jeffery Scott Lando* (so where's Han Solo?) is uninspired, and offers nothing that distinguishes itself from other ScyFy Channel movies.

Then there's the mythology of the film. The movie is actually rife with potential on what it could do with the monster's back story-how did it come to be, what could it's connection to the woman who feeds it-but the answers you get are everything you've seen before. This is a movie that lacks inspiration, and tends to be dull even by ScyFy Channel standards. At least some of the channel's movies can be watchable in a cheesy way. This is just boring and nondescript.

Unless you are a hardcore SyFy Channel movie junkie, you don't need to bother with "Goblin." This is nothing that you haven't seen from the channel before, and done better in the past believe it or not.

Rating: 2/10

*Lando's prior directorial credits include the giant bug movie "Insceticidal", the vampire movie "Thirst" (which is in no way related to the great Korean vampire movie), the backwoods horror movie "Savage Island" (which I remember some praising a while back) and the sequel "Decoys 2: Alien Seduction" (which had Tobin Bell.) He's also done the TV movies "House of Bones" and "Super Tanker."

Zombie (1979)

2011-10-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

Ah, Lucio Fulci's "Zombie." Released in Italy as the unofficial sequel to "Dawn of the Dead" (with the title "Zombi 2"), it launched the director's career as the master of Italian splatter movies, and brought forth a wave of zombie movies from that country. I may not think it's the best Italian zombie movie ("The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue" and "Cemetery Man" are better) or Fulci's best movie ("City of the Living Dead" is), but it is the definitive Italian zombie movie, as well as the movie that went on to define the director's career.

The plot is pretty simple: Peter West (Ian McCulloch) is investigating some strange goings on, when he runs into Ann Bowles (Tisa Farrow), whose father has gone missing in the Caribbean-or so she believes. Meanwhile, an epidemic of walking, flesh hungry corpses has overtaken that region, and Dr. David Menard (Richard Johnson) is at the center of it, trying to figure out the cause (it's voodoo), as well as dealing with his increasingly angry wife Paola (Olga Karlatos.) In the process, Peter and Ann are headed to the Caribbean to find out what happened to her father, and Brian (Al Cliver) and Susan (Auretta Gay) are coming with them.

To be honest, the story here isn't that important, and the acting is largely pretty bad. However, on a purely visceral level, "Zombie" succeeds with flying colors. This is a movie that's unapologetic about over the top it is, with flesh munching zombies, gratuitous nudity and legendary moments such as a zombie fighting a shark that exist simply to make the audience go "holy shit, did you see that?" Also, it's gory as hell, with torn out throats, maimed flesh, and even a stomach churning moment in which Paola's eyeball is impaled in close up. It helps that the effects here are impressive, with excellent cinematography by Sergio Salvati and a wonderful electronic score by Fabio Frizzi complimenting the proceedings nicely.

The other reason "Zombie" sticks out is that it's atmospheric as hell. The dead here are the best looking zombies in movie history, covered in dirt, worms and maggots, and damn near looking like real live walking corpses. The scenes of them walking en masse and rising from their graves are positively spine tingling. Even notorious moments like the eyeball impalement are terrifying, as they are drawn out in grueling detail, leaving first time viewers to think "No way. They aren't going to show that!" And then they do, and you can't shake it off.

Simply put, this is a must for anyone who says they love zombie movies, and is the movie that made Fulci the cult sensation he is today. Absolutely essential. Also, the new re-release by Blue Underground looks and sounds incredible, and is a no brainer as far as purchases are concerned.

Rating: 9/10

House of Blood (2006)

2011-10-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

Olaf Ittenbach's career as a director is an interesting but usually not good one. He started out directing low-budget splatter films like "Burning Moon", "Black Past" and "Premutos: Lord of the Dead", which got him a cult following. He then graduated to doing make-up and gore effects for things like Uwe Boll movies, and directing larger budgeted movies like "Legion of the Damned", "Garden of Love" and "Dard Divorce", which were attempts at doing more mainstream friendly horror. Another one of these attempts is 2006's "House of Blood" (originally called "Chain Reaction"), which suffice to say, is pretty bad.

Dr. Douglas Madsen (Christopher Kriesa) has been taken hostage by a group of escaped convicts, who decide to take refuge in a cottage. Inside said cottage is a strange family that speaks in Olde English and also seems to double as a religious cult. The family then turns into bloodthirsty demons (is there any other kind?) and kills the criminals, but Dr. Madsen is saved by local girl Alice (Olaf's wife Martina), and ends up being interrogated by police (one of the officers is played by Jürgen Prochnow), and of course, they don't believe his story, so he ends up taking a bus ride to a prison with some inmates. The bus crashes, and you can guess what happens next.

I'll say this much about "House of Blood": The gore and splatter FX are pretty impressive, the cinematography is good, and Kriesa delivers a good performance. Unfortunately, he delivers the only good performance, as everyone else is terrible, mostly just shouting profanities and pointing guns at each other. They are all supposed to be from America, and this is supposed to take place here, but most of the cast speaks with Germanic accents, and it was clearly shot in Germany. Also, while the gore is effective, there isn't enough, as the viewer has to wait for what feels like a very long time for the splatter to hit-until then it's a lot talking and yelling at one another.

Then there's the fact that the direction, editing and script (which Ittenbach co-wrote with Thmosat Reitmar) are all pretty poor. If this was from a rookie director, it would be more acceptable, but Ittenbach has been making movies since 1989, and that this is his tenth movie. None of it feels like something that was directed by a man whose been making movies for seventeen years. It just feels like something directed by a hack looking to make a quick buck.

All around, this is a terrible movie, with very little to recommend. If you want to watch a movie from Ittenbach, watch one of his earlier splatter movies. Those aren't great, but at least they're directed by someone who gave a damn about what he was making.

Rating: 2/10

Atrocious (2010)

2011-10-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

The last "found footage" movie I saw was "The Zombie Diaries 2: World of the Dead." To say it left me unsatisfied would be an understatement, as I thought it was one of the worst horror films of the year. Now I get "Atrocious", which is one of the latest from Bloody Disgusting Selects.

The story goes like this: police have attained 36 hours worth of footage that may explain the murder of a family. In this footage, amateur paranormal explorers Cristian (Cristian Valencia) and July (Clara Moraleda) have joined their family on vacation in Sitges. They've also brought their cameras with them, as they are going to investigate the legend of the Girl in the Garraf Woods. When the family dog is found dead, it turns out that this legend might be true.

I found "Atrocious" to be a better movie than "Zombie Diaries 2" (or the first "Zombie Diaries" movie for that matter.) It's a movie that actually offers at least two genuinely scary moments, and a knock out conclusion. It also has better defined characters than that movie did. Here, we get to know them as people, giving their eventual fates more investing.

However, the film is ultimately hurt by the "amateur found footage" gimmick. Here, the viewer is given constant-and I mean constant-footage of the two running around outside, complete with lots of heavy breathing and shaky cam. Movies like "[REC]" and the like were able to take the found footage gimmick and deliver something that felt like a complete movie. This movie thinks constantly running around in an outdoors maze and people yelling and muttering makes for a scary time, when in reality it's kinda tedious. Then there's the scene nearing the end revolving around police procedural photos. I know it was meant to add weight to the family's death, but it just felt distracting and kinda annoying to me.

I want to like "Atrocious", as I'd hesitate to call it a bad movie, and because I love the Bloody Disgusting website. However, this ended up being a movie that could have been better than it ultimately was.

Rating: 5.5/10

Classic Poster Art-Hardgore (1974)

2011-10-25T15:56:00.001-07:00

Too lazy to post a review today. Will do so tomorrow.

City of the Living Dead (1980)

2011-10-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

After "Zombie" was released, Lucio Fulci's career went through a bit of a boost. He had gone from being a director known for dabbling in comedies, westerns and Giallo films, to a man who pushed the envelope as far as zombies and gore were concerned, earning him the name "Godfather of Gore." So, how did he follow that up? With three occult tinged tales with zombies, curses, gore and lots and lots of splatter. The first of these was "City of the Living Dead", which is also my favorite Fulci movie.

In Dunwich (which here is said to have once been called Salem-logic isn't really this movie's strong suit), Father William Thomas (Fabrizio Jovine) has hung himself. Since then, bad things have been happening-people are found dead, blood pours from walls, maggots fall from the sky, Father Thomas is killing people in gory and disgusting ways, and the dead walk the Earth. Now, only psychic Mary Woodhouse (Catriona McColl, who became the female lead in Fulci's trilogy) who saw this death at a seance, reporter Peter Bell (Christopher George), psychologist Gerry (Carlo De Mejo) and his patient Sandra (Janet Agren) can stop this horror and close the gate of hell that has been opened.

While it does have a few unintentionally amusing moments (apparently, Dunwhich suffers from an infestation of howler monkeys), I find this to be the strongest of Fulci's "Gates of Hell" trilogy. Here, the direction, editing and cinematography are all top notch, the lapses of logic never become slightly annoying (people not aiming for the zombie's heads in "The Beyond") or lazy (a few moments in "House by the Cemetery", which I feel is the weakest in the trilogy), and perfectly accompany the nightmarish feeling of the movie, in which anyone at any given moment can die in the worst way imaginable. It also packs a fine score by Fabio Frizzi (though "The Beyond" remains his finest work) and even a few good performances (George in particular does a fine job.) Also noteworthy are the zombies in this movie. Yes, they eat human flesh and tear brains out of skulls, but they also teleport, giving then an almost ghostly quality.

With that of the way, I won't deny that the movie is mostly known for it's gore and atmosphere. This is the most disgusting movie Fulci directed, with two scenes in particular-town pervert Bob (Giovanni Lombardo Radice aka Italian horror's favorite whipping boy) getting a large drill rammed through his head, and a woman vomiting her entrails-standing out. Apart from that, you get plenty of rotting, worm covered zombies, maggots, worms, mud (both are shoved in a woman's mouth), brain ripping and more make you lose your lunch.

At the same time, this movie is also unbelievably creepy. The atmosphere is enveloped in death and pure evil, creating an air of inescapable horror. It also boasts what I think is the best set piece in Fulci's career, in which Peter must rescue a thought to be dead Mary out of a coffin via a pick axe. It's a purely suspenseful, Hitchcock-like moment that scared the shit out of me when I first saw it on VHS years ago, and still packs a punch today.

If you are interested in the oeuvre of Fulci, this probably isn't the best place to start-that would be either "Zombie" or "The Beyond." This however, is a very logical next step, and remains gross and disturbing to this day.

Rating: 9/10

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies (2008)

2011-10-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

You more than likely remember Jay Lee's 2008 movie "Zombie Strippers", which starred Robert Englund and porn icon Jenna Jameson. What you probably did (or didn't) know is that another strippers vs. zombies movie was released that same year-granted, I believe it was made two years earlier, and only came out in 2008 to capitalize on said movie's reputation. Anyways, Let's take a look at Jason Murphy's film "Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!"

Dr. Stewart (Michael Clinkenbeard-quite the name) has made a new drug, one that won't make you sick. Actually, it will make you sick-and by that, I mean it turns people into flesh craving zombies. Now, a group of strippers working and hookers, as well as assorted would be lovers, brothers and a pimp, must seek refuge at a strip club called "The Grindhouse" (ugh) and band together to stop the undead menace.

As you can tell, plot isn't the biggest thing on the mind of this movie. This is the kind of movie that can best be classified as a "dumb horror comedy", or a mix of horror and comedy that appeals to ones baser instincts and never exercises your thought patterns. To be fair, some of the performances are decent, the make-up effects look good, some of the jokes actually work (love two of our characters finding out that there was a chainsaw in the back of the truck the whole time), and it has an amusing opening with horror vet Tiffany Shepis.

That out of the way, the movie still comes up short. I don't want to rip on it, because it's heart is in the right place, and it doesn't want to be anything else but dumb entertainment. However, While there's some better than expected performances, you do get some weak ones as well. There's some fun kills, the impact they have is minimal because much of them are accomplished via weak CG effects. While there are funny moments, there's also plenty of moments that aren't as funny as they want to be-in particular a line that ribs on "Snakes on a Plane." Worst of all, while there is nudity, there isn't enough. This is a movie with strippers and hookers fighting zombies. You should all out embrace the seedier aspect this kind of movie should offer, not cover it up with bad jokes and bad CG.

There's little about "Zombies!" that's actually detestable, as this seeks out to be a dumb horror comedy and nothing more. That out of the way, it should have gone further, making it a light but unfulfilling snack.

Rating: 4.5/10

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

2011-10-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

High School can be hell. The awkward moments of erections and falling asleep in class. The bullies. The rude, apathetic teachers. The zombies. Okay, that last part has never happened (or at least best to my knowledge...), but that and teen love are the theme of Stephen Bradley's zombie comedy "Boy Eats Girl."

After Nathan (David Leon) has a bit of a misunderstanding with his no.1 crush Jessica (Samantha Mumba - remember when she was a pop star?), he ends up accidentally committing suicide. His mom ends up stealing a book of voodoo spells from the local church - why the local church would have such a book is beyond me and is never explained - she brings him back. Unfortunately, he's now a zombie, and after he bites a bully in a fit of rage, then infection starts to spread.

It's obvious that "Boy Eats Girl" is trying to ride on the coattails of "Shaun of the Dead." Like that movie, it tries to mix romantic comedy - in this case the teen variety - with the oft used zombie genre. Unlike "Shaun", there's little here that distinguishes this from other zombie comedy movies. It follows the usual "friends must band together to survive a zombie outbreak" mold that's been used to many times in the past, and doesn't give the viewer much as far as surprises are concerned. You know who will live and who will die, you get the usual "zombies eating flesh" moments, and by the time it's over, it will all feel familiar to you.

That out of the way, this isn't a particularly bad movie. In fact, it's kind of a cute one, with likeable main characters, and some surprisingly good performances to boot. It's also got some nice moments of gory mayhem, with the highlight being a "Dead Alive" inspired zombie massacre with a combine harvester instead of a lawnmower (though to be honest, the combine harvester massacre in "Evil Aliens" was funnier.) Best of all, the humor here hits more than it misses. This is a movie that clearly has comedy more on it's mind than horror, and the jokes and gags here actually made me laugh, which I can't say for the likes of say, "Bloodlust Zombies" or "Dead and Deader."

I doubt "Boy Eats Girl" will make anyone's top ten lists as far as zombie comedy movies are concerned. It is however, a sweet little mix of bloody carnage and teenage love that's a decent little time waster.

Rating: 6/10

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

2011-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

To really enjoy the trashier side of cinema, you have to look at it's lurid past. Before the likes of "I Drink Your Blood" and even the works of Herschel Gordon Lewis, there were several seedy movies-mostly nudie flicks-that catered to the baser aspects of human demands. Not in the mood for one of the cinematic greats of old? Then how about Dwain Esper's hilariously bad "Maniac!", or in this case, Joseph Green's shot in 1959 but not released until 1962 oddity "The Brain that Wouldn't Die"?

Dr. Bill Cortner (Jason Evers) has run into a bit of a conundrum-he and his girlfriend Jan (Virginia Leith) got in a car wreck, and only her head came in tact. No worries though, because with the wonders of science, he's able to keep her head alive in a pan. As he goes looking for a new body, it seems that Jan in a Pan (thank you MST3K) isn't too grateful for Billy keeping her alive, and begins to plot revenge. Oh, and she has telekinetic powers and uses them to read people's thoughts and communicate with the monster in the closet.

I know it was featured on Mystery Science Theater. I know that the acting is mostly terrible. I know that at the end of the day, this is a bad movie. And you know what? I don't care. "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" is a fun example of pre-Grindhouse era exploitation with gore (a torn off arm, surgery and a ripped out throat) that, while not a big deal these days, was back then. It's also got women in either lingerie or bathing suits, sleazy jazz music, melodrama, questionable science, despicable characters, an ugly monster and so much more that helped set the standard for what would become favorites in the likes of 42nd Street New York. Best of all, it clearly isn't taking itself too seriously, with the likes of gratuitous cat fights and a great last line.

If it does run into any problems, it's that it gets really talky. I normally don't mind dialogue in movies, but there are several conversation scenes that could have been shorter. Also, there are several plot holes here. Where are the police? Why is it called "The Head That Wouldn't Die" at the end credits? Maybe that was the original title.

I digress though, because this is exactly what a "so bad it's good" movie should be, and then some. Fans of cinematic garbage, this is a must. Everyone else-well, why would you be reading this review anyway?

Rating: 7/10

Slices of Life (2010)

2011-10-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, this is going to be a bit difficult to review.

"Slices of Life" is an indie anthology film that has a lot going for it. Director Anthony G. Sumner shows a lot of promise, and clearly has talent. The make-up and gore effects are very impressive for a movie with such a low budget. Best of all, it has a lot of ambition, as this clearly wants to be better than the usual no-budget anthology film, and it actually has ideas. However, while I don't think it deserves all the one star reviews I've been seeing on IMDB and Netflix, it still ends up being something of a disappointment.

Our film opens with an amnesiac (Kaylee Williams) waking up next to a seedy hotel run by a strange older woman (Helene Alter-Dyche) and her helper Tiny (Marv Blauvelt.) Here, she finds three books-"Work Life", "Home Life" and "Sex Life"-which each contain the tales for our anthology.

Our First Story is "W.O.R.M." Here, William Robert Moss (Jack Guasta) has a shitty life at work. Everyone treats him bad, his boss denies him a raise, and even girls on web cams mock him. So, he creates a new nano-technology that will make people like him. It does-and it turns them into zombies.

"W.O.R.M." is the most tongue in cheek entry, as well as the weakest one. While the zombies actually look great, and there's some memorably gooey imagery, it's not as funny as it wants to be (the company is called "N.I.M.R.O.D."), and to be honest, Bill just isn't that likeable. We're supposed to sympathize for his loneliness, but he just comes off as a whiny snot who always feels bad for himself.

Next up is "Amber Alert", in which pregnant Vonda (Toya Turner) is being haunted by ghosts. Her husband isn't much help, as he's kind of a dick, and isn't around much. Oh, and then there's the killer whose abducting and murdering little girls...

There's some decent moments here and there (Vonda's first encounter with a ghost is actually kind of creepy), but "Amber Alert" is hurt by an incredibly obvious twist and a sense of predictability, as well as some very unnecessary (and poor) CG effects.

Finally there's "Pink Snapper." This one is the tale of Susan (Deneen Melody), whose is sexually abused by her uncle on a regular basis. After, knocking him out and running off with her boyfriend, they end up in a house with a kidnap victim named Elizabeth Nadasdy (Judith Lesser.) However, she's got a bit of a nasty secret downstairs, and her father Edgar (Bruce Varner) wants to make sure she doesn't kill again.

Though this one is also predictable, I actually found myself liking this segment. The practical gore effects are plentiful and absolutely disgusting, and Deneen Melody actually delivers a sympathetic performance. Oh, and the conclusion is great.

The problem with "Slices of Life" aren't the usual flaws that you find in micro-budget horror movies (bad acting-though this has an abundance of that-and poor editing), but the fact that while it has ideas, it ultimately has too many ideas. Little asides about things like Countess Bathory and briefly mentioned, but altogether forgotten, while other ideas are ultimately due to budgetary restrictions. There's also little jokes ("Fux News"? Really?) that might have seemed amusing at first, but are more groan inducing than anything else. Finally, the wrap-around segment feels anticlimactic, as if Sumner and his co-writers ran out of ideas in the last minute.

I really want to like this movie. The director shows some real promise, and I'd like to see what he'll do next (I believe it will be a remake of the Grindhouse favorite "Don't Look in the Basement!") However, the flaws end up weighing out the good points, leaving the final product to be disappointing.

Rating: 5.5/10

Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

2011-10-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

After "The Toxic Avenger", Troma went from another studio making and distributing exploitation movies (mostly teen sex comedies few people remember) to the new name in trashy genre films. Sure, they had released movies like "Mother's Day" in the past, but they weren't the hit "Avenger" was. So the question for Lloyd Kaufman and co. was most likely "So, how do we follow that up?" Well, they did that by doing "Class of Nuke 'Em High", which kept the offbeat humor, gore and nudity of "Avenger", and kept a keen eye on what it did in the past.

The plot goes like this: Ever since a power plant was built next to Tromaville high, strange things have been going on. Like how what was once the honors society is now a gang of horny, violent cretins called...um, "The Cretins." Well, they get a hold on pot that's been dosed in nuclear energy, call it "an Atomic High", and sell it at a party. When lovebirds Chrissy (Janelle Brady) and Warren (Gil Brenton) get a hold of it, and have sex-things start to turn bad, because Warren's now prone to turn into a vengeful green mutant, and Chrissy got pregnant-and puked out said baby, which is a mutated tadpole of some sort. After somebody flushes it down the toilet, it starts getting bigger down in the basement...

To tell the truth, this isn't a good movie in the traditional sense of the word. The acting is mostly bad, some of the jokes and supporting characters are grating, and most of the cast is pretty one dimensional. That out of the way, it knows what kind of movie it is, and revels in it. This is pure cinematic garbage that's pretty entertaining to boot, with enough bloodshed, gratuitous breast shots, and can do spirit to boot. It's also got a great monster at the end, and The Cretins themselves can get pretty sadistic at times-and one of them gets one of the best lines in Troma movie history in "Hey, that's what you get when you date a yuppie baby!"

Also noticeable is the fact that it fully embraces the teen sex comedy genre. While this would sometimes show the downfall of a movie, here it works, as it fits the campy vibe the movie has. Then there's the fact that, while nobody would mistake it for having good taste, it's rarely that mean spirited. Compared to later movies like "Toxic Avenger IV" and "Terror Firmer", this isn't a movie that scraps the bucket for pure gross out gags and tedious shock tactics. In fact, it kind of has a good nature to it. Besides, while the actors playing them aren't good, It's hard not to like Warren and Chrissy. They're just two sweet kids in love, and you things hope turn out good for them.

If you ask me, "Class of Nuke 'Em High" remains one of Troma's best accomplishments. Nobody's going to mistake it for a work of high cinematic art, but as cinematic junk food, it really tastes great.

Rating: 8/10

High Lane (2009)

2011-10-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

Mountain climbing is not something that's on my "to do" list. The mere idea of it freaks me out. With that out of the way, I'm surprised that there haven't been many horror movies set around the world of this activity. I mean, it involves a large, natural setting in which anything bad can and could happen, so it seems like this and horror would go hand in hand. Anyway, director Abel Ferry's feature length debut "High Lane" tries to mix the two, even though the end result wasn't something I fell in love with.

Five friends-Chloe (Fanny Valette), Loic (Johan Libereau), Guillaume (Raphael Lenglet), Fred (Nicolas Giraud) and Karine (Maud Wyler) decide to go on a mountain climbing expedition-which has been closed due to repairs. Of course, this turns out to be a bad idea, as tensions mount, friendships are tested, and a killer (Justin Blankaert) is on the prowl.

The first half of "High Lanes" is pretty effective. We don't know what or who it is in the woods, and there's some genuinely suspenseful moments-the highlight revolving around a wire bridge. However, once the killer finally makes his appearance, some of the good will goes on the wayside. Up until then, this has been a well directed tale of suspense that relies more on volatile shifts in relationships and the menace of the natural world to build a sense of horror.

Then the killer is revealed, and when this happens, it becomes yet another "people trapped in the woods with a backwoods psychopath" movie. It even has the typical "victims are tied up" scenario that's been done a thousand times. If the movie has stuck with the original "people trapped in nature" style, this would have won me over, but it ends up being a erratically edited and cliche as they come movie. Also, what was with the sudden flashes to the hospital?

There's things to like about this movie, which makes it's shortcomings all the more frustrating. It's a case of a movie looking like it's going to hit the ball out of the park-only to strike out instead.

Rating: 5/10

Classic Poster Art: The Exterminator (1980)

2011-10-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

Blood Junkie (2010)

2011-10-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

These days, there's tons of nostalgia for the slasher movies of old. Ask the likes of Adam Green (Hatchet), Robert Hall ("Laid to Rest") and Frank Sabatella ("Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet) for example. Their movies bleed a love and yearning for a return for the age of gory, nudity filled slasher films of old. Another name you can add to that list is Drew Rosas, whose $7,000 slasher opus "Blood Junkie", which goes far enough to be set in the 80's.

Laura (Sarah Luther) and Rachel (Emily Treolo) can't wait to have fun in the woods with Craig (Nick Sommer) and Teddy (Mike Johnson.) Unfortunately, Laura has to take care of her little brother Andy (Brady Cohen), so she ends up bringing the kid with her. Unfortunately for them, there's a killer (Andrew Swant) with a thing for human blood in the local abandoned factory, and he has his eyes on them.

Everything about "Blood Junkie" bleeds nostalgia and love for the slasher movies of old-the killer is clearly modeled after the one from "My Bloody Valentine", while the dumb humor could have come from any of the "Friday the 13th" sequels. It even has a retro electronic score, a grainy look (some movies have a thing for doing that since "Grindhouse") and the same fashions and accessories from the 80's. So, does Rosas recreate the slasher movies of that decade? Yes and no.

For one thing, the tone and look of the movie is spot on, as it really does feel like you are watching a slasher movie from 1989 at times. The kills are bloody, but only one is really that graphic. Hell, the killer could have come from that part of the decade. Whilst guys like Hatchet Face and Chromeskull feel like slasher villains on steroids, the Blood Junkie feels really is a legit throwback to that part of the decade. All of that out of the way, the film ends up feeling too gimmicky for it's own good, with several of the jokes and references running on nostalgia and little more. After a while, one wants there to be more than just "Hey, we love 80's horror!" Also, the conclusion has a terrible twist at the end that soured the movie a bit for me. I'll just put it like this: if you've seen "High Tension", then you've seen an ending similar to the one here.

Is "Blood Junkie" worth a look? Well, it's certainly one of the better micro-budget slasher movies I've seen-it's probably the best I have seen. You might like it if you go into it with low expectations, but don't expect to be amazed either.

Rating: 6/10

Hell Night (1981)

2011-10-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

After "The Exorcist II", Linda Blair's career didn't exactly recover. Sure, she had guest appearances on TV shows like "MacGyver" and a cameo in "Scream", but she also ended up in movies like "The Chilling", "Grotesque" and "Witchery." In short, strong roles in prominent Hollywood movies were a thing of the past. That out of the way, she did star in three genre faves-the revenge movie "Savage Streets", the women in prison classic "Caged Heat", and today's entry, the 1981 slasher "Hell Night."

Blair stars as Marti Gaines, who along with three other fraternity pledges, must spend the night in an old, Gothic looking house where a series of family murders took place years ago. Some of the frat members decide to fuck around and scare the pledges, but little do they know that the sole survivor of the Garth family-a deformed man with murderous intentions-is stalking the house.

"Hell Night" is, as you can tell, another movie that tries to capitalize on the success of "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" (it's even from the producer of that movie.) That out of the way, this has some notable differences from some of those movies. First of all, while the characters are all people we've seen in slasher movies before (the sexpot, the horny guy, the sweet girl and her love interest), the movie actually invests some time with them, making them likable in the process-it helps that most of the performances are good too. Also, while there's some decent kills here, this is a movie that's not particularly interested in things like wanton bloodshed, and instead uses the decor of the house and the legend surrounding it to build a sustainable atmosphere, something some slasher movies of the time lack. Add a nice twist to the old "the police aren't doing anything" trope, an effective score by Dan Wyman, and a great conclusion, and you've got a quality horror movie.

To be fair though, there are two flaws with the movie. As I mentioned, I found most of the performances to be good. Blair is kind of hit and miss here, as she sometimes does a good job with the material, while other times she seems to not want to be there. Also, while I really enjoyed this movie, it probably could have had a few minutes trimmed, as it doesn't really need to be 101 minutes long.

That out of the way, "Hell Night" is a blast to watch, and I can see why the movie is considered a slasher movie classic to this day. Check it out if you have a craving for a fun 80's horror movie.

Rating: 8/10

The Child's Eye (2010)

2011-10-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

The Pang Brothers are mostly known for two earlier movies in "Bangkok Dangerous" (they also directed the remake) and a horror film called "The Eye", about a blind girl who gets an cornea transplant, only to see ghosts afterwards. There's been three sequels since then, with the latest getting released in China last year, and in 3D to boot. Well, it's been released here in the states by Lionsgate in 2D, and not with much fanfare, and after watching it, I can see why.

The plot deals with a group of friends who are looking to have some fun in Thailand. Well, political protests are going on, so they end up in a dismal looking hotel instead of the one they wanted to go to. Of course, it turns out that the hotel has some dark secrets and a darker past, and it soon becomes apparent that it doesn't want them to leave.

"The Child's Eye" does have a few things going for it. There are some genuinely eerie moments that take place-the highlight involving a girl hiding from a human/dog hybrid-that managed to catch my attention, and the score by Origin Kampanee is fine when the more horror centric moments take place. Also worthy of note is the fact that the Pang Brothers decide to opt for an atmosphere which at times resembles that of a house of horrors, with bad events and twisted situations lingering within each corner.

The problem however, is that they don't always know what to do with these events. Sure, there's a few nice moments, but most of the horrors on display range from the usual "Asian ghost movie" cliches, to moments such as a tormented husband that feel like a parody of said genre. The acting-well, it's not bad, and the actors, God bless 'em, do what they can with the material given to them. However, the material doesn't give them very much to do other than look scared, thus failing to give a reason to care about them. The ending of the movie is pretty poor as well, with terrible dialogue ("You have to let go of your hate") and a lame "Oh shit, what's that" conclusion. This, plus the abundance of cliches really cause the movie to fall apart when it so clearly wants to be a scare fest.

In the end, "The Child's Eye" isn't a terrible movie. I don't even know if I could call it a bad movie. It's just an exceedingly average movie that brings little to the table, and is mostly forgettable as a result.

Rating: 5/10

Nightmare Alley (2010)

2011-10-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

I try to be more forgiving when it comes to micro-budget horror movies. These DIY efforts are usually labors of love, made for almost nothing usually by amateur filmmakers who are passionate enough about what they do. However, I can't forgive "Nightmare Alley", a vile, pointless and all around painful anthology film that feels more like a bad extended pilot for the worlds worst cable access television show, and has a host who delivers one liners that would make even the worst horror host cringe.

Our film begins with a segment with two jack-offs going on about how people are pussies and constantly calling people fags (believe me when I say the rank homophobia gets worse later on.) Well, they meet a hobo who gives them a comic book-the latest issue of "Nightmare Alley"-and then are thankfully offed by the hobo.

Now on to the segments of this anthology.

A Fistful of Innards-Three cowboys come across a meteor, and want to sell it for cash-until one of them betrays and shoots the other two. Unfortunately for him, they immediately come back as zombies and consume his flesh. They then kill a bunch of people off screen.

This sucker is as painful as they come, with dire acting (I normally don't bitch about poor acting in movies like this, but nobody here seems to be putting forth any effort) and even worst writing. Amazingly, this is the best of these segments.

Rebellion-A doofus with a ponytail buys a rubber rat from a novelty store, which possesses him to kill women for the purpose of sucking out their souls and growing large to take over the world. One of the dork's victims escapes, only to become the rats slave instead.

I admit that I was mildly amused by the use of the phrase "penis wrinkle", but this is a segment that shows no knowledge as to how humor works. It also happens to be pretty misogynistic, so with this and the homophobia of a prior and later segment, I seriously think there's something wrong with directors Laurence Holloway and Scarlett Fry. Yes, two people directed this.

Death Chat-A man is caught cheating by his wife, who walks out on him. So, he decides to try an online sex chat to get laid, only to be hacked up by the vengeful ghost of a jilted lover.

I have nothing to add other than the fact that the man is supposed to be twenty six, but he looks like a redneck in his early 40's.

Meat-A trashy Bettie Paige look alike meets a fat guy who never wears a shirt and loves to rub his nipples. When she takes him home, her husband (played by the dude who knocked out Danzig) finds them, and when the guy leaves, she kills her husband. Six hours later, he comes back, and she feeds him the flesh of her hubby.

This segment feels way too much like a short movie even Troma would neglect. Also, her husband is also fat, which makes me believe she digs prime cuts.

Closet Case-A man is hit on by a gay guy, then kills said gay guy. He then takes a gay porno magazine, and masturbates to it.

This is the worst segment of them all, and is the biggest proof that the people behind this have serious problems. You know, in the segment "Rebellion", the main character wears a shirt that says "asshole." This is exactly what the people who made this are.

The Great Damone-In a riff on Roger Corman's "A Bucket of Blood" and Herschel Gordon Lewis' "Color Me Blood Red", a put upon painter kills his wife, and uses her blood and body parts to create his work. This works at first, but after his second piece of art offends people, he is taunted from beyond the grave by his ex. He then kills himself and ends up in hell.

This segment bugged me in particular because it actually has a neat premise. However, everything about it (the acting, the direction and the gore) feels incredibly lazy.

Slash of the Blade-The ghost of Jack the Ripper goes around killing people in broad daylight. That's it.

First of all, this has what may be the worst Jack the Ripper costume ever. Second of all, there's a series of Jack the Ripper like killings going on, and the police to nothing about any of the complaints. Okay then.

There's nothing about "Nightmare Alley" that's worth a damn. I've noticed some people have defended this movie, saying things "Come on, it's a B-movie!" and "But it's like, horror man, and it was made outside of the Hollywood system!" To that, I have this to say: Fuck you. People like you are the reason horror fans get a bad rep. I enjoy B-movies-shit, this blog is pretty much dedicated to them. But this is not fun at all. This is the worst kind of bullshit imaginable. The kind of shit I wouldn't even recommend to my worst enemies. Just because a movie doesn't take itself seriously and is a B-movie is not an excuse. Fuck you, fuck this movie, and fuck the people who wrote and directed it.

Rating:

World of the Dead: The Zombie Diaries 2

2011-10-12T13:22:00.001-07:00

The found footage genre is all the rage nowadays. From 2008's "Cloverfield", "[REC]" and "Diary of the Dead" to the likes of the "Paranormal Activity" movies and "The Last Exorcism", people love watching horror films about horrific events caught on camera. Back in 2006, we a little movie called "The Zombie Diaries", which told stories of people with a camera filming their lives as the world fell through a zombie epidemic. I wasn't too wild about the movie, but it did good enough for a sequel to exist. Too bad said sequel seriously sucks.

The movie starts out in fine form, as we catch a night in the lives of a family trying to live on in a world in which the dead walk. Too bad it's only footage that was found by military types. Said soldiers find a civilian named Leeann (Alix Wilton Reagan), as well as possible hope when talk of a boat rescuing survivors. However, this may be at long reach, as our intrepid soldiers must not only survive the walking dead, but also murderous survivalists, and the possibility that salvation isn't going to turn out the way they wanted.

I'll give the movie this much: the acting is good, but that's the only compliment I can give this movie. The first (and probably biggest) problem with "The Zombie Diaries 2" is the fact that you really don't care about anyone here except maybe the family in the beginning. That's because there really isn't any characterization here, as these are just your typical stock survivors and army people trying to survive, to the usual psychopaths that stalk a apocalyptic world. Everyone here feels like a facsimile of a person. The direction also feels a bit "meh", as it's all edited erratically and the usual shaky cam that shows up in these movies makes some of the action a bit confusing. There's a bit of gore, but it's the usual shotguns blasts to the head and flesh munching that you've seen in so many other zombie movies.

Which leads to my next complaint-there's nothing here that sets this apart from other found footage horror movies or zombie movies. The whole thing feels uninspired, with no real reason to care about who lives or who dies, or what happens next. Also, did we really need three rape scenes?

You've seen this kind of movie before, so there's really no reason to bother watching it. You're better off watching "Day of the Dead" or waiting for the next season of "The Walking Dead" than sitting through this.

Rating: 1.5/10

Queen of Blood (1966)

2011-10-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

We were all about space in the 60's. There was the space race, science fiction novels popping up everywhere, and of course, movies and television. Space operas, aliens, stations on the moon, wacky gadgets that never came to be, robots-you name it, we were obsessed with it. Well, you'll find some of that in the Roger Corman/Samuel Z. Arkoff produced film "Queen of Blood", which like Mario Bava's classic "Planet of the Vampires", mixes blood suckers with aliens and space.

I'm sure you remember that we didn't have stations on the moon and whatnot in 1990, but that's the case here. Anyways, an alien spacecraft has landed on mars, and a rescue team lead by Allen Brenner (John Saxon) is out to see it. They find an alien girl (Florence Marly) there, and take her on board. Big mistake, as she's hungry for blood, and after she drains Paul Grant (Dennis Hopper), it's clear that she will feed again...

"Queen of Blood" isn't a classic, but it's fun for what it is. The direction by Curtis Harrington is solid, as he manages to conjure up a tangible atmosphere throughout the proceedings that's reminiscent at times of the aforementioned "Planet of the Vampires", especially in it's sense of pervading dread and horror. I also enjoyed the theremin and moog heavy music on display, which has a sense of kitschy fun to it. And kitsch is exactly what the main draw of this movie is. Every cardboard and paper mache set, every optical effect, and the goofy hairstyle of the queen herself adds to the campy exterior on display.

If there is any flaws with the movie, it's that it takes way too long to get to meet the vampire/alien girl. For a while, it's a lot of talking and shots of cheap sets, with a bit of stock footage thrown in, and while that can be fun, I started to wonder "when does the queen of blood show up" several times. Also, a minor and somewhat selfish complaint, but I wish Dennis Hopper was the lead instead. He's one of my favorite actors.

Complaints aside, this is a fun slice of sci-fi schlock from back in the day, and fans of these kinds of movies should check it out. Now if only we could have space stations on the moon...

Rating: 7/10

Slaughter Night (2006)

2011-10-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

The past is probably the biggest antagonist in slasher movies. From Freddy Krueger's prior life as a child murderer to the jilted ex-lover of "The Prowling", tumultuous events of yesterday are usually the case for a killer to go on a rampage. Where am I going with this? I have no fucking idea, but it plays a part in the Dutch slasher movie/supernatural possession tale "Slaughter Night."

After she's caught in a night of partying, Kristal (Victoria Koblenko) ends up in a car wreck that kills her father. Well, she and her friends decide to visit a mine were a child killer

Andries Martiens (Robert Eleveld) was stopped for good. Well, not for good, as they make the mistake of bringing an Ouija Board with them, and the next thing you know, his ghost starts possessing people...

There's nothing about "Slaughter Night" that's original, as it feels like a hybrid of the 80's slasher movie with more modern slashers. While it does have it's strong points (some great kills and gore, and some better than usual acting), it still falls apart. One of the reasons for this is the fact that the script is riddled with plot holes. For example, when the lift starts working, why don't any of these kids use it? Why would they bring an Ouija Board with them? Why is one guy stabbed, impaled, etc., yet comes back as if nothing happened? Why would somebody go into a supposedly haunted mine after being in a car accident? Nothing is explained here. It's also extremely by the numbers, and offers nothing you haven't seen a billion times before. Sure, that can be fun, but here it just feels lazy and pointless.

The biggest flaw however, is the editing. While the gore and kills are all great, all of the violence is handled with really distracting use of shaky cam. If the two directors had done this movie without that, I would have been more forgiving, but because I had trouble telling who the victims were and what they or the killer were doing because of the editing, I damn near got a headache.

There's worse slasher movies out there, but that's not saying very much. "Slaughter Night" is a mess, and left me thinking "I could have just watched "The Burning" again instead of this."

Rating: 3.5/10

Vigilante (1983)

2011-10-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

After directing porn, Bill Lustig went on to direct exploitation movies outside of that spectrum. The resulting first three movies-"Maniac", today's movie "Vigilante" and "Maniac Cop"-stood out for two reasons. The first was the sheer respect they had for the Grindhouse/exploitation scene and the movies they produced, and the other was how they depicted pre-Giuliani New York. In these films, the streets are a world of corruption, drug pushing, prostitution, murder and other niceties that run rampant, and that are sometimes punished. "Vigilante" is a look at what happens when people are pushed too far in this city.

Nick (Fred Williamson) and others have had it with the pimps, dealers and filth that routinely threaten the lives of their families and loved ones, and have formed a vigilante group to deal with what the police and law can't and won't deal with. Eddie Morino (Robert Forster) doesn't want to get involved-then his wife Vickie (Rutanya Alda) is fatally wounded and his son is killed by a gang of thugs. When the law doesn't work his way and he ends up in jail, Eddie realizes that vengeance is the only solution, and Nick's posse are the answer.

Though it doesn't exactly break new ground in the revenge genre, "Vigilante" is a very entertaining and well directed slice of gritty action movie making. The acting is fine, especially from leads Forster and Williamson, and the villains are pure scum that are clearly meant to be hated and picked off one by one. The electronic score by Jay Chattaway complements the action well, and the action scenes themselves are violent but never veer too far into sadism. This is also a more accessible movie than Lustig's prior work "Maniac", as it isn't filled with sleaze and ugliness. This is a pretty standard movie in comparison.

Also worthy of note is the sheer love the movie shows for it's exploitation brethren. You can tell that this movie is heavily inspired by the Italian cop and revenge movies, especially the way the violence is handled, while the color scheme at times harkens the works of Dario Argento. In this sense, it's a logical successor to "Maniac", as it shares that movies affinity for violent exploitation and it's depiction of New York as a city that's rotting away at the core.

If you're a sucker for revenge movies, then "Vigilante" is a must. It's also a given for those interested in 42nd Street Fair from the 80's, so check it out.

Rating: 8/10

David Hess: 1942-2011

2011-10-08T13:01:00.001-07:00

There's Nothing Out There (1992)

2011-10-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

One of the characters in Wes Craven's classic "Scream" that sticks out the most is Randy, played by Jamie Kennedy. Here was a guy who was a lot like others who've watched a bunch of horror movies-he knew the rules of the genre. Some hate the character and the movie, but whatever. So, why am I bringing this up? Because Rolfe Kanefsky made his directorial debut with "There's Nothing Out There", which did the "guy knows the rules of horror" thing before "Scream", though I doubt it was an influence on that movie.

You know the plot-seven teens go to a cabin in the woods, only to run into a monster-in this case a beast that looks like a giant tadpole with teeth. So, whose their only hope? Why it's Mike (Craig Peck), whose seen a whole lot of horror movies, and knows the rules.

"There's Nothing Out There" is largely considered to be Kanefsky's best movie, and it's easy to see why when you consider the fact that he's since recycled the "young people go up against inhuman evil" movie twice afterwards with "The Hazing" and "Nightmare Man". Oh, and that his other credits include several erotic spoofs and a writing credit for the Denise Richards/Pamela Anderson movie "Blonde and Blonder." Then again, it's obvious that he knows he's not making great art, so I can't really fault him.

Anyways, this is mostly a fun movie. Sure, you've seen the "kids in the woods" movie a billion times before, and there's little here that's original, some of the jokes fall flat, the acting is bad, etc. That out of the way, Kanefsky clearly knows what kind of movie he's making, and obviously loves the genre that he's sending up. It's also got the requisite gore and nudity (something Kanefsky's genre films are mostly known for) that you'd want from a movie like this, some good direction for a first time effort, a fun electronic score (though the 80's sounding pop songs in the soundtrack are a bit grating), and some inspired moments of humor (the best involving a tribute to "Raider of the Lost Ark.) Oh, and then there's Mike. Though his character occasionally get's annoying, Craig Peck manages to make him believable for the most part, as well as an amusing audience surrogate. He's pretty much everyone who has yelled "don't do that" while watching a horror movie.

So, is "There's Nothing Out There" a classic? Not really, though it's clear Kanefsky knows this. It's an amusing little horror comedy that's never offensive or bad, and makes for a good time.

Rating: 7/10

Grim (2010)

2011-10-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

The thing about Troma releases is that you have to be careful with what you watch. Sure, sometimes you'll get a fun little movie like "Class of Nuke 'em High" or "The Toxic Avenger", or a re-release like "Mad Dog Morgan" or "The Hanging Woman", but to get through that, you have to trudge through a lot of bullshit. Well, Adrian Santiago's debut feature length movie "Grim" isn't quite bullshit, but it doesn't hit the ball out of the park either.

When he was a child, Nicolis Grim (Jack Pinder) saw his parents murdered by Atticus Miller (Scott A. Mollette), Cutter (Brad Hartliep) and Romeo (Niko Red Star), only to be taken in as a child by a married couple. Now an adult (Christopher Dimrock), he is out for vengeance for the murder of his biological and foster parents, and he has three people in mind.

On paper, "Grim" seems like your standard, meat and potatoes revenge movie-except for two differences: 1.) It was made for $2,500, and 2.) it takes place in an America in which the fall of society has been brought forth by a complete economic collapse. This last part is interesting, and it's hard to fault Santiago for the ambition he stacks onto the film. Yet, for all the bloody violence (including a cringe inducing fingernail removal), mostly fine cinematography and all around great story, "Grim" ends up coming up short.

Why? Well for starters, the pacing for the film is off. This is a movie that tries a slow burn approach, but can't make up for it because the film is essentially "talk/kill/talk" throughout. It's also poorly choreographed, with scenes of violence either coming off as too staged or too clumsy for it's own good. Finally, the biggest flaw is the tone of the movie. Sure, the film lives up to it's title, but the actions that occur end up feeling like they are much ado about nothing, as it rarely feels like the actions of our character have any real weight to them. As it stands, it ends up being a film that lacks a feeling of purpose.

It's a shame too, because I appreciate that Santiago went for a no-budget film that strays away from the usual slashers and/or zombies fair that many of these movies are. Besides, he has another movie on the way, so maybe he'll show signs of improvement. Until then, this is a noble but ultimately too flawed first effort.

Rating: 4/10

Also, It's now going to be four movies released by Troma getting the review treatment. Expect another one this weekend.

Chawz (2009)

2011-10-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

I love South Korean movies as of late (okay, except for "D-Wars.") From the movies of Chan Wook-Park (the "Vengeance" trilogy, "Thirst") to the films of Jeen-woon Kim ("The Good, the Bad and the Weird", "A Tale of Two Sisters" and "I Saw the Devil") and Joon-ho Bong ("The Host", "Mother"), this country seems to have my heart when it comes to movies. Well, not every movie is going to have my heart, such Jeong-won Shin's tongue in cheek "Chawz", which is amusing enough, but not as fun as it should be.

In a small mountainside village, tourists seem to be vanishing? So, what could it be? Why, it's a humungous wild boar, who due to hunters killing all the animals, has acquired a taste for human flesh. Now, a cop with a pregnant wife, a vengeful farmer, a famous hunter and a girl who wants to be the next Jane Goodall are among those who must stop it.

If it weren't for the giant wild boar, "Chawz" wouldn't feel like a horror film at all. Much of it is played like a tongue in cheek homage to "Jaws" (right down to the title) with a bit of "Razorback" thrown in for good measure. The film is pretty well directed, with amusing enough characters and situations (the highlight being the girl trying to film our intrepid pig hunters), and a plot that's mostly easy to follow. Also, it's nice to see a genre film of this type offer some characterization instead of the usual "kids get killed off by giant monster" movie. Oh, and yes, the boar itself is pretty awesome.

Unfortunately, the humor is very hit and miss, with several gags (including one during the end credits) that left me either rolling my eyes of mumbling to myself "well, that joke bombed." It's also way too long at two hours. Granted, it at least gave us some decent characterization, but this is not the kind of movie that should be two hours long. The comic tone tends to collide with the more horrific elements of the movie on a few occasions, which is jarring to say the least. At one moment, the pig is on a rampage, and the next people are cracking jokes.

"Chawz" is a decent little movie, but it could have been a bit better. As a whole, it's certainly not at the top of the South Korean movie litter, but it doesn't want to be either. It's an amusing little romp, and nothing more.

Rating: 6/10

Coffin Rock (2009)

2011-10-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

Cheating can always get you in trouble. Just ask the movie world. The likes of "Fatal Attraction" have shown a guy cheating with another woman, only to end up in trouble...mostly because the bitch is psycho. Well, "Coffin Rock" tries it's hands at this genre, but reverses the roles.

Rob (Robert Taylor) and Jessie Willis (Lisa Chappell) are a married couple living in a small fishing town, and they're having marital problems because even though they've been trying for 15 months, Rob can't seem to produce a child. One night, a drunken Jessie runs into Evan, (Sam Parsonson), and they end up having sex. Now Jessie is pregnant, and there's no way Rob is the father. To make things worse, Evan is a psychopath whose prone to stalking and violence.

To the films credit, "Coffin Rock" (that title sounds more fitting for a heavy metal based horror movie from the 80's) does feature some fine direction and cinematography, as first time director Rupert Glasson shows some promise, and cinematographer David Foreman has a great eye for location. Also, the performances are all strong, especially Parsonson as Evan. This is a character who can and will snap at a moment's notice, and the actor makes many of his outbursts chilling and realistic. Oh, and I gotta give the actor credit for putting a live fist in his mouth. That takes real commitment.

Unfortunately, there isn't much in "Coffin Rock" that separates it from other "jilted lover" movies, as this is pretty much "Fatal Attraction" with a crazy guy and not much excitement. Sure, Evan is a scary guy, but we know he's crazy from the get go. There's little ambiguity to the character, and the movie doesn't give us any doubts about his sanity, which slightly lessens the impact. Also, Rob and Jessie don't behave in the most logical way, as Jessie has opportunity after opportunity to tell Rob the truth, as it would at least lead to the police taking Evan in, but she doesn't, which lessens some sympathy for her. Rob meanwhile, is apparently dumb as a rock, as he never seems to suspect anything about Evan until later on, even though the psycho keeps showing up and Jessie acts differently when he's around. Then there's the conclusion, which doesn't have the emotional impact it so clearly wants to have.

"Coffin Rock" isn't a necessarily a bad movie, it's just one you've seen before, with little in the way of it offering anything new. It's probably worth a Netflix stream, but not much else.

Rating: 5/10

Blood Oath (2007)

2011-10-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

For October, I decided to review three recent releases from Troma. My first pick is David Buchert's by the numbers slasher "Blood Oath", and by what I've seen, it's not a good start.

After a prologue featuring genre favorite Tiffany Shepis and the worst looking decapitation I've ever seen, we get down to business. Long story short: kids go camping in the woods, here about a local legend revolving around a dark incident in the Krupp family, and what to ya know, their son is not only alive, but is a killer, and starts killing said teens played by adults.

If you've seen a slasher movie set in the woods, then you've seen "Blood Oath." Generic as all get out score? Check. Kills that are nothing special? Check.Visual nods to other, better horror movies (here it's "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Friday the 13th" and "Just Before Dawn")? Check. Killer whose a Leatherface clone? Check. Stunt casting from genre veterans (in this case, Shepis and Tina Krause)? Check. I think you get the point. This feels like the kind of no-budget slasher movies that polluted Blockbuster and other rental chains back in the mid 2000's instead of the 80's slasher homage it so clearly wants to be.

Look, I like some Troma movies. I like several of the 80's slasher movies. This however, is not one of the watchable Troma movies. This movie is everything you've seen in shitty micro-budget slasher movies and then some, with only a nasty bit nearing the end and a few instances of decent camerawork keeping me from giving it the dreaded "no" rating.

I think I've said all I can about this. There's no reason to see this unless you love slasher movies made for a nothing budget. Everyone else should avoid.

Rating: 1/10

Sweatshop (2009)

2011-10-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, two reviews in one day? Will wonders never ceases?

Anyways, when I reviewed the ultimately disappointing "Damned by Dawn", I mentioned how hype can sometimes disguise the fact that a movie ultimately isn't very good, especially once it's released. Case in point: today's entry, "Sweatshop." I remember reading about the movie two years ago, as it was a slasher movie that was getting good reviews and lots of hype in the festival circuit. It was announced sometime last year that Synapse would be releasing it, but it ended up getting picked up by Screen Media instead. It also got released earlier this year in the UK, and with it finally available to the public, word of mouth started getting a little less kind. It's now available in the US, so let's get to reviewing this sucker.

"Sweatshop" opens with a nude girl in an abandoned factory (hm, kinda like "Saw"*, but sleazier), whose being pursued by a hulking maniac known as The Beast (Jeremy Sumrall), only to be shot down by a cop played by Fangoria editor/reviewer Michael Gingold.

Cut to later on, in which a group of cyber-punk loving goth kids-leader Charlie (Ashley Kay), horndog Scottyboy (Peyton Wetzel), slutty gal Lolli (Krystal Freeman), crazy gal Miko (Julin), and one guy who sticks out a bit more (but barely) in Scotty's fat, redneck brother Wade (Brent D. Himes), as well as several others-enter the abandoned factory. Here, they are going to hold a big rave made up of Futurepop music and other kinds of things some of the kids like today or whatever. Well, they get horny, get high, and get carried away by The Beast's minions, or just caught by the big lug himself. Oh, and he's got a great weapon-a hammer that's a pole with an anvil attached to it.

I'll say this much about "Sweatshop"-it's got a nice score by Dwayne Cathey. Oh, and the gore and kills are incredible. The gore FX themselves are very impressive, and The Beast has some creative ways to kill folks-Miko's death is probably my fave. Also, this movie has created a potentially iconic killer in The Beast. Slasher movies have had plenty of large, hulking slashers in the past, but this guy has a great weapon, and is imposing to boot. Also, it's nice to have a slasher movie with a really fun conclusion to boot.

Too bad the rest of the movie doesn't really live up to all of that. For one thing, the characters and the actors playing them are absolutely appalling and obnoxious. Whenever characters like Scottyboy and Miko would open their mouths, I just said to myself "these people can't be killed soon enough." This leads to problem numero uno, in which we have to constantly see and hear these dolts bicker, fuck and dance, and that gets annoying very, very fast. My next complaint deals with the direction and editing, which feels more like it belongs in a music video than it does a low budget slasher film. Then there's my final bitching point, which is that most of the music outside of the score didn't do it for me. I know there's an audience for this kind of Dark, Gothic dance music, but I'm not a fan of that. I do like a few Industrial Dance artists (Nitzer Ebb, Front Line Assembly and Front 242 for example), but not what was featured here.

Is "Sweatshop" for you? Well, if you love wall to wall gore and nothing else, and if musical groups with named like Lucid Dementia and Android Lust tickle your fancy, then yes, check it out. The rest of us can probably do without it, or at least watch it and think "Well, the gore and kills were great. Too bad the rest wasn't."

Rating: 4/10

*Seriously, how many abandoned factory buildings are there in the city in which the "Saw" movies take place? And why haven't the police checked these things already?

Strigoi (2009)

2011-10-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it's October, and that means that time of the year in which I do the most reviews on the blog in one month. To start that off, let's get busy with Faye Jackson's 2009 vampire film "Strigoi."

Vlad Cozma (Catalin Paraschiv) has come to a small town in Romania, where former mayor Constantin Tirescu (Constantin Barbulescu) has died. Vlad believes it was murder, and when he tries to get information from the strange and shady locals, he figures that they had something to do with his death. Well, Constantin is back, and the townspeople believe that he's a "Strigoi", or some kind of vampire. Vlad doesn't believe this at first, but the more he unravels, the more he starts to believe...

A British production shot in Romania, "Strigoi" isn't flawless (it doesn't have any real conclusion, and it could have had five or ten minutes cut off), bit it is an interesting take on the vampire film. Here, the vampires can only be killed off via cutting out the heart, and they tend to eat a lot when they aren't sucking blood. The film also boasts a quirky set of supporting characters, and a sense of humor that ranges from the black variety to at times oddly heartfelt. It's not quiet "Shaun of the Dead" levels of successful (very few genre films are), but the movie did make me laugh some, and managed to put a smile on my face, especially at the end. That out of the way, those hoping for a movie with lots of gore and action will be let down, as this is more of a slow moving dark comedy than it is the usual modern vampire tales.

Also noteworthy is the political commentary present in the film. Here, the vampires and the events of the town are more than just a metaphor for post Communist Russia, in which Communists and Capitalists vied for the future of the country. In fact, the burying the dead here is a metaphor for Russia trying to bury and move on from it's past while looking at an uncertain future. It's kind of refreshing to see a horror movie tackle such issues in the manner that it does, as it never feels heavy handed, but still offers some food for thought.

Will everyone like "Strigoi"? Probably not, as it differs greatly from what you normally get in these kinds of movies. That out of the way, those looking for something kind of fresh might want to give this a shot.

Rating: 7/10

Shadow (2009)

2011-09-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder how Richard Connell would have felt that "The Most Dangerous Game" ended up becoming a template for so many horror films. From the Ozploitation classic "Turkey Shoot" to WWE Film's preachy misfire "The Condemned", the subject of man hunting man is one that's too easy not to pass up for some. Well, Federico Zampaglione, an Italian pop star, has taken on this subject too with "Shadow", which could have used more "Dangerous Game" and a lot less of what some like to call "torture porn."

Iraq war soldier David (Jake Muxworthy) sets off to Europe to get some biking done, when he meets a cute girl named Angeline (Karina Testa.) Unfortunately, they end up running into troublesome hunters Buck (Chris Coppola) and Fred (Ottaviano Blitch), who end up being the least of his problems, because a man named Mortis (Nuot Arquint) has some murderous and torture happy designs on David and the hunters.

I will say this much about "Shadow": the cinematography and outdoors locations look great. Now that I've said nice things, I'll get on with the many, many bad things. For starters, none of this is scary, suspenseful or interesting. The whole thing feels like the kind of bad torture flicks that plagued video stores in the late 2000's, with one-note characters, poor acting and a terrible pacing. The villain is also lame, looking more like a refugee from a bad music video than somebody who belongs in a horror movie. The rock score by Andrea Moscianese is as bland as they come, and never sounds appropriate or menacing.

Then there's the conclusion, which offers a terrible twist ending that also serves as a rather misguided commentary on the horrors of war. Look, I'm about as anti-war as the next guy, but the twist offered here makes no sense in the context of the film, and feels like your usual axe-grinding. If you are going to make some political commentary, at least add it when it feels necessary. Here it's just a terrible conclusion to an already bad movie.

If you are hoping for a return to the glory days of Italian horror, then "Shadow" will just leave you angry. If you are the type of person who likes the "Saw" movies-you'll probably hate this too, and find it to be incredibly pointless.

Rating: 1.5/10

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

2011-09-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

The 70's had a thing for recycling the 50's era "monsters created by nuclear energy/radiation" genre. Why I don't know, but it probably had to do with newer concerns for the environment. Or it was because producers knew some still had a thing for those 50's movies, which is the most likely answer. One of the titles that tends to get talked about is William Sachs' (who also gave the world "Galaxina") 1977 film "The Incredible Melting Man", either from seeing it on the cover of Famous Monsters of Filmland or because it was lampooned by Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyways, I've been meaning to review this for a while now, so here goes.

Astronaut Steve West (Alex Rebar) was a part of a mission to the rings of Saturn, where he seems to have been the only survivor. Also, his body is slowly melting, and he needs to eat human flesh to stay alive. Can Dr. Ted Nelson (Burr DeBenning) save the day, or will he act like a bitch because his wife Judy (Ann Sweeney) forgot crackers?

First things first: this is not a good movie. Granted, the fact that it was featured on MST3K is kind of a giveaway, but still. Anyways, this is a movie with not too impressive directing (if it weren't for the minor gore, melting man and a bit of female nudity, this could have passed for a television movie), bad comic relief* (Judy's horny parents-yuck), all around poor performances, a really dated score that feels like it belongs on a television movie, a lack of likable characters (only Steve comes off as sympathetic) and more.

That out of the way, it's still a watchable and occasionally sort of fun movie. The "melting" FX and gore were provided by Rick Baker, who needs no introduction to genre fans, and are all pretty impressive. There's also something of a charm to the sheer 70's feel that you don't get anymore, as well as the fact that our monster isn't exactly discriminate about who it eats-meaning yep, the annoying old couple get knocked off. Nice to see that Sachs was thinking of some of us at least.

Can I recommend "The Incredible Melting Man"? Well, if you love bad movies, this is a must, and it's didn't make me angry. For everyone else...well, I guess that depends.
Rating: 5.5/10

* Originally, Sachs intended this to be a parody of 50's B-Movies, but the studio said no to that. You do get instances of humor, but they only work a few times.

Scourge (2008)

2011-09-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't reviewed a movie released by Lionsgate in a while, so hey, why not review the "parasites turn people into something resembling zombies" movie "Scourge"?

Scott (Nick Rhind) has come to town, meeting his ex Jesse (Robyn Ledoux) in the process. Well, also in said town, a church has burned down, and it had entombed an ancient pestilence called "The Scourge", which has gotten loose, and starts turning anyone it infects into a hungry, belching, zombie like being that eats any kind of food, and attacks and spreads the parasite. Can Scott and Jesse stop The Scourge before it's too late, and rekindle their love in the process? Can they deal with Corrupt Sherrif Durst (Russ Ferrier)? Will you find any reason to care?

I will give "Scourge" this much: it does have a few decent gory scenes (best one: jaw punched nearly off), a sense of awareness, and the Canadian feeling of the movie doesn't hurt. Also, I like the feel of the movie at times, as it feels like the kind of unambitious but watchable B-Movies you'd get back in the 80's. Oh, and the CG creature effects aren't too bad. They aren't great, but they are better than a lot of low budget CG creations.

That's not to say that this is a good movie. If you took "The Hidden" and "Slither", and removed much that made them noteworthy, then "Scourge" is what you get. The whole thing is also a cliche as you get, and not in a good way. Corrupt police? Check. Bad boy with a past? Yep. Rekindled romance between bad boy and ex-girlfriend? Uh huh. Comic relief fat guy? You bet your ass. It also doesn't help that none of the performances here are worth a damn, especially two leads, who have the charisma and chemistry of dry cement. Watching them, I couldn't help but roll my eyes when they finally got together, and this is coming from a guy whose a bit of a romantic at heart. I normally love seeing two people get together, but not if I don't care about them.

I didn't really hate "Scourge". but that's because I didn't really give a shit about it either. If you're going to watch it, wait until it comes on TV, particularly the Chiller channel, which tends to pick up movies like this regularly.

Rating: 4/10

Junk (2000)

2011-09-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

When I reviewed "Primal", I mentioned that while it was a pastiche of a movie, it was at least an entertaining one. What I was saying in short is that if you are going to do a horror movie that brings nothing new to the table, at least make sure that said movie is fun to watch. That's exactly what Atsushi Muroga's 2000 zombie movie "Junk" is-a movie that's nothing new whatsoever, but at least comes from someone who understands how to do mindless fun.

In Japan, a new formula called DNX has been created in a military lab, which can bring the dead back to life. This turns out to be, as Will Arnett's Gob character from "Arrested Development" would call, "a huge mistake", as it awakens a very naked-and shockingly hot, girl who has a taste for human flesh. To make matters worse, a team of petty jewel thieves end up finding out that the only thing worse than running from the law and getting double crossed is a horde of zombies. Now, they must fight for their lives, all while the scientist who created the serum must put a stop to this madness, and what do you know, he knows this zombie gal, who also has a thing for tight leather and jack boots. If she weren't dead, I'd be in love.

There really isn't anything new here. Take "Re-Animator", "Return of the Living Dead 3", "Day of the Dead" and a Tarantino knock-off, and "Junk" is what you get. As far as knock-offs go, this one is actually pretty fun, with plenty of gore, the already mentioned female nudity, and a sense of humor and energy to the proceedings. The one thing that helps this out the most is the inspiration it takes from Italian zombie movies. In short, if you like films like "Zombi 2", "Burial Ground" and even "Hell of the Living Dead", then you might like this, as there's nods to those movies (one zombie looks like it could have escaped "Nightmare City", the dead rising with white sheets tied to them could have come from a Fulci movie-the list goes on) that actually manage not to feel derivative. You can tell that Muroga did his homework, and knows what fans of these kinds of movies want, and he largely delivers.

Well, except in the acting department. While nobody expects great acting from movies like this, most of the performances here are pretty bad-with the American actors in particular being awful. Every time one of them appeared on the screen, I found myself cringing at the poor line delivery and lack of conviction in their performances.

Still, "Junk" is the good kind of junk-not too bright, but it offers enough nudity, gore and all around fun to make it impossible to hate. Italian zombie fans in particular should give this a shot.

Rating: 7.5/10

The Landlord (2009)

2011-09-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

I usually try to avoid micro-budgeted horror comedy movies. Not because of poor acting or budgetary reasons, but because most of them just flat out suck, and we all know how painful a bad comedy can be. Why do most of them suck? Because they think buckets of no budget gore, bad jokes, toilet humor, and obvious homages will get them by. So, while I wasn't blown away by it, I did find Emil Hyde's "The Landlord" to be slightly refreshing, as it's humor is more of the dry, often times dark variety.

Meet Tyler (Derek Dziak.) He's a nice guy who just happens to be cursed to work for a demon haunted apartment building possessed by Rabisu (Rom Barkhordar) and Lamashtu (Lori Myers.) Well, things start to look good for him when Southern gal Donna (Erin Myers) enters his life-except for the fact that her ex is in town. Oh, and Rabisu and Lamashtu have plans for her unborn child.

As I said, "The Landlord" didn't quite blow me away. For one thing, while I appreciate the dry humor on display, the more serious moments come off as awkward, with the disgruntled ex and a flashback to Tyler's past in particular not working. There's also a really unnecessary sub-plot revolving around Tyler's sister Amy (Michelle Courvais) and a gang of vampires. There's really no point to this sub-plot, and it really shows the films biggest weakness: it doesn't really know how to balance humor and drama, and tends to throw in unneeded plot elements into the stew. Also, I really didn't care for the score from a band called The Mystechs, which really jarred on my nerves.

That out of the way, there are things I like about this. The make-up effects are shockingly good for a movie with an $18,000 budget, as are the performances. Barkhorder in particular steals the show as the Hawaiian shirt loving Rabisu, who at times is more like a terrible roommate than he is an evil demon, especially with his tendency to use Tyler's credit card. Oh, and I did get some good, hearty laughs out of this, mostly from Rabisu, but also from scenes like a botched robbery. It's nice to see a movie that actually pays attention to its humor instead of just throwing things on the wall to see if they stick.

In the end, "The Landlord" is a movie that only works 50 or 55% of the time, and has too many unnecessary sub-plots for it's own good. That out of the way, it's still better than a lot of the micro-budget horror comedy movies I've seen, and for that, it deserves some props.

Rating: 5.5/10

Sick Nurses (2007)

2011-09-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

The "Asian Ghost" genre is pretty well known thanks to films like "Ringu", "Ju-On" and "The Eye" giving the world specters with long black hair and bad intentions their day in the spotlight. However, like many sub-genre's in horror, it eventually got old, with movie after movie giving audiences little in the way of surprises, and with that lost interest. So, what kind of movie could take this concept and add a few new things to it? Well, how about the Thai film "Sick Nurses", which adds gore and a sadistic sense of humor to the equation.

Meet Dr. Taa (Wichan Jarujinda), who has seven nubile nurses working for him-as well as a black market organ ring. Well, one of the girls isn't too keen on this, so the other nurses kill her. Seven days later, she's back as a ghost, and she's pissed off.

As I mentioned in the first paragraph, the thing that sets this apart from other "Asian Ghost" movies is the gory violence and sadistic humor on display. In some ways, this feels kind of like a grotesque, blackly comic goof on the sub-genre, with plenty of soap opera melodrama and off-kilter twists managing to keep our interest. This is also more of a slasher movie with Italian horror like undertones, as each death is creative and at times humorous in their own sick way. Highlights in the carnage include death via suffocation from very long hair, a scene that brings to mind the old J.G. Thirlwell pseudonym "You've Got Foetus on Your Breath", and a conclusion that shamelessly lifts from Takashi Miike's "Gozu."

That out of the way, the movie does run into two problems. One is the acting, as everybody (except for Chidjan Rujiphun as Nook) is pretty bad all around, with no real reason to care if anyone here lives or dies, though that might be the point. Also, though it's got some really nasty violence, the movie is afraid to deliver on the nudity department. This is the kind of movie in which a girl showers with her clothes on, which puts a damper on a film that should be shameless exploitation.

Still, "Sick Nurses" is a fun but not great take on a tired sub-genre that throws in enough curve balls and surprises to keep the viewers interest. Not a bad way to spend a boring afternoon.

Rating: 6.5/10

Savage Harvest (1994)

2011-09-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

I want to revisit my reviews of "The Severed Head Network" and 1994's vampire splatter-flick "Darkness." First "Darkness", because in that review, I mentioned how in the 90's there wasn't any demand for the likes of Italian gore movies and other exploitation films, so some ended up trying to fill that gap with movies that they shot on home video that tried to emulate the likes of "Burial Ground" and "Zombi 2." I mention "The Severed Heads Network" because while I haven't enjoyed the movies of Wicked Pixel, I do appreciate that in the world of underground horror, they at least seem to be trying something different.

So, why did I invoke those two? Because "Savage Harvest" was the first movie from Wicked Pixel main man Eric Stanze, and to be honest, isn't all that original.

The premise is pretty simple: Mikki (Lisa Morrison) has been given the task of being the counselor of a summer camp, and decides to hang out with friends so they can clean up her pal Karen's (Ramona Midgett-*snicker*) Uncles cabin. Well, Mikki's old boyfriend (David Berliner) comes in with some old rocks and an old tale about an Native American curse and demons. Well, it turns out to be true. If you've seen "The Evil Dead", "Night of the Demons" or "Demons", you know what happens next.

As you can see, "Savage Harvest" isn't that original, as it's pretty much a no-budget, shot on camcorder riff on the above mentioned movies. Thankfully, Stanze actually shows some talent behind the camera, with some neat camera angles and tricks on display. Also, for a movie made for nothing, the gore looks fantastic, with a few inventive moments (tongue with a poisonous stinger on the tip) to keep momentary interest. Plus, I gotta hand it to him for taking the mythology (no matter how dumb it feels sometimes) within the movie seriously. Most micro-budget debuts offer gore and no structure, but at least Stanze is clearly putting a lot of effort into this.

Sadly, this still isn't a good movie. Why? Well for starters, none of these characters are particularly interesting. You have to wait until after the (actually creepy) opening until anything gory happens. For a while, it's just amateur level acting and dialogue that's hard to decipher at times due to sound and budgetary reasons. I try not to complain about that sort of thing in these kinds of horror movies, but the attempts at characterization presented are awkward, and reek of a first time director not fully realizing how to hone his craft yet. Then there's the music. The score at times is kinda neat, but other times it's really, really annoying-especially during the attack scenes. Then there's the awful songs from a band called Hotel Faux Pas, which is just really dull sounding garage rock that has no personality.

I'm going to bring up "Darkness" again, because like that film, this feels more like a rough-draft or demo for a movie. Still, while I don't like it, the direction does show some potential, and I gotta give the director credit for sticking with his guns and making a movie for nothing. A sequel came out eleven years later, and to be honest, I'm kinda interested in it.

Rating: 5/10

Dream Home (2010)

2011-09-10T13:11:00.001-07:00

The economy sucks right now. You knew that, but it's still worth noting. At the moment, I can't find a job anywhere, and neither can anyone else. People are also losing their homes, and can't seem to find one no matter what. In short, things suck at the moment. So it is timely that the movie "Dream Home" would tackle the shitty home property market, and how it's affected everyone else in the world-or in this case, Hong Kong.

Josie Ho is Cheng Lai - Sheun, a girl who knows a thing or two about hardships. She lost her parents to mesothelioma, she was smacked around as a child, and she's wanted to have a home to her own-a high rated establishment at that-since she was a kid. Well, she's worked her fingers to the bone to invest in it. Well, the deal ends up falling through, and she's left to her own devices. By that, I mean she sees this as a place to kill for...literally.

Timely, smart, blackly comic, gory and very well acted, "Dream Home" is the kind of horror movie we need more of. This is a film that anyone who wants a home to their own or who has worked extremely hard, only to get nothing in return can relate to. It especially fits considering the state of the housing situation in China. Right now, this has effected the younger generation most of all, as many can't find a place of their own, and are having trouble making ends meet at the end of the day.

Apart from that, this is just a sick but entertaining film. The kills are often times very creative, sometimes just wrong (a pregnant woman is killed via plastic bag and vacuum cleaner), sometimes wince inducing (castration), sometimes darkly funny (wooden plank shoved in the mouth) and always very bloody. Also worthy of notice is Josie Ho, who in spite of the horrible things she does, is somewhat easy to relate to. Granted, most people who are in her position won't go the lengths of killing people, but sympathy can be seen in this monster, whose done everything and gotten nothing in return in a hard-knock life. You don't condone what she does, but you can feel for her either way.

As I said, we need more timely, sick, and disturbingly entertaining horror movies like this. It's easily one of the best sleepers I've seen all year.

Rating: 9/10

Zombies of Mora Tau (1957)

2011-09-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

With the following exceptions-"I Walked With a Zombie", "Carnival of Souls", "Plague of the Zombies" and "White Zombie"-there really weren't many good zombie movies before "Night of the Living Dead." Most of them dealt either with Voodoo and exploited white racial fears, or they dealt with fears of the atomic age. Also, they were (pardon the pun) lifeless, boring, talky and not worth watching. The same could be said for the Sam Katzman produced "Zombies of Mora Tau", only it's voodoo zombies don't offer any racism-though it does have a lot of bitchy white people.

A group sailors decide to get some diamonds from the ocean, and ignore the warnings about a sailor guard from 60 years earlier that died in a shipwreck. Of course, this turns out to be a mistake, as those dead sailors come back to retrieve their treasure, and in the process turn the bitchy Mona Harrison (Allison Hayes) into a zombie.

Apart from Hayes, whose a lot of fun as the all around sour bitch, the only thing that really stands out in "Zombies of Mora Tau" is the dead themselves. They're clearly being controlled by Voodoo, but they don't have a master. In fact, they are actually ancestors of the zombies from "Night of the Living Dead", as they have no emotions, and a single motive in mind that they wish to attain. Plus, a few of the scenes with them are actually kinda creepy.

Sadly, this is a movie that could have used a bit more of the dead, as the living are all unlikeable, and mostly just complain or yell at one another. Plus, they are incredibly stupid, as they have constant opportunities to set the dead on fire (it's the one thing that can kill them), and they never do it. Hell, I ended up sympathizing more with the zombies in this movie. All they want is their diamonds. If these dumb fucks hadn't stolen it, or would just give them back, none of this would have happened. As for the rest of the movie-well, most of what doesn't involve the nautical dead is boring.

In short: liked the zombies and one of the actors, but didn't care for much much else. I wanted to enjoy this, but apart from hardcore fans of cheap B-movies from the 50's and hardcore zombie lovers, there isn't any reason to see this.

Rating: 4/10

The Devil's Sword (1984)

2011-09-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

Barry Prima is a name that's synonymous with exploitation. Born Bertus Knoch in 1985 in Bandung, West Java, Indonesia, the actor has many credits in the countries action-based exploitation films, with "The Warrior", "Hijacked to Hell", "Revenge of the Ninja" and others filling VHS rentals and gaining the actor a small but devoted cult following. At first, I figured that I'd review either "The Warrior" or the cannibal movie he was in called "Primatives", but instead I decided to go with "The Devil's Sword", which is half post "Conan the Barbarian" Sword n' Sorcery movie, half martial arts movie, and all pure insanity.

Prima plays Mandala, who reaches a village that has been attacked by the servants of the Crocodile Queen, leaving behind only two survivors. It seems that the queen wants possession of The Devil's Sword, because whoever possesses the sword will have the power to rule over the world-or something. Now Mandala must find the sword and vanquish this evil that plagues the land, while in the process getting in many bloody battles.

"The Devil's Sword" is the kind of exploitation movie that doesn't offer a whole lot as far as intelligence is concerned, but makes up for it with cheap gore, sex, and all around random madness. A great example of this would be the scene where Mandala and a female accomplice find themselves battling Crocodile Men, which are guys in the least convincing monster outfits imaginable. I found myself laughing at this, but at the same time, it had better than expected fight choreography, bloodshed, and a sheer "hey, what the hell" attitude going for it. It's scenes like this that make me applaud director Ratno Timoer and writer Imam Tantowi for pretty much mixing the likes of "Conan the Barbarian", kung-fu movies like "Master of the Flying Guillotine", and Indonesian folklore to create a stew that's incredibly bizarre but altogether tasty.

I did however, get bored with the constant shots of male servants making out with or salivating over the evil queen. Granted, she's hot, but the viewer doesn't need to see seemingly endless footage of her playing tonsil hockey and swimming with men. Scenes like this feel more like padding than something that will advance whatever flimsy plot there is.

Still, this makes for a fun time for fans of Indonesian genre movies, and for those who have a taste for the absolutely bizarre in foreign exploitation. If the writers and director of "Conan" dropped acid, were working with a low budget and watched a marathon of supernatural themed kung-fu movies from the Shaw Bros., this is what it would probably resemble.

Rating: 7.5/10

Haunted (1977)

2011-09-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

The Native American curse is something familiar in horror. From the Indian burial ground ("Pet Cemetery", "Poltergeist") to the wronged Native American man (Fred Olen Rey's "Scalps" to the abominable horror-comedy "Thankskilling"), this sub-genre can play with two things: white racial fears or white liberal guilt. Well, what if a movie doesn't really do either? The answer: Michael A. DeGaetano's little known and generically named "Haunted."

During the Civil War, Apache girl Abanaki (Ann Williams) is sentenced to death for stealing a soldier named Andrew's (Aldo Ray) horse for witchery and for discovering some unsavory truth's about Andy and a Priest wanting gold. Cut to today (well, 70's present day), where Jennifer Baines' (Williams again) car breaks down, and she ends up in the Apacheland Movie Ranch-built where the old town was. The next thing you know, the descendants of those that sentenced Abanaki are dying...

Apart from a fine score by Lor Crane, "Haunted" is the kind of 70's horror movie that's mostly forgotten for very good reason. It's a pretty dull affair, with little of the death or events taking place feeling particularly suspenseful or interesting, and the plot pretty much the same thing you've had to deal with many times in past. There's also a really bad song called "Indian Woman" in the title sequence fits alongside other terrible songs featured in 70's horror, some pretty poor pacing, endless scenes of dialogue delivered with no conviction whatsoever, and a curse that's ultimately lame. The scariest thing here is Aldo Ray without a shirt on.

The biggest problem with the movie, is that it doesn't seem to know what kind of movie it wants to be. Is this a supernatural revenge tale? A western melodrama with female nudity? a tale of romance? Who is this movie supposed to appeal to? You're left not knowing the answer to any of this, as it just leaves all kinds of plot details and ideas hanging without being realized.

"Haunted" is nothing more than a dire viewing experience, with hardly anything to recommend or compliment. It's a movie that just doesn't go anywhere, and left me thinking that I could be watching something else instead of wasting my time with this.

Rating: 1.5/10

Classic Poster Art: Time Walker (1982)

2011-09-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

Seeding of a Ghost (1983)

2011-08-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

Though martial arts and kung-fu movies are what they are known for, the 70's-90's film industry of China also gave the world exploitation movies known as "Category III" movies. These movies went farther than other Chinese films, giving audiences all the violence, gore, sex and depravity that polite society frowned upon. Even the Shaw Bros., who gave the world all kinds of kung-fu movies, got in on the act, with movies like "Rebekah", "Dr Lamb" and today's entry "Seeding of a Ghost" upsetting government officials and delighting cult movie junkies worldwide.

Taxi Driver Chau's (Phillip Ko) life is going to turn ugly. Not only was his wife Irene (Maria Jo) having an affair-she got raped and murdered by two thugs. So, what's a man to do in situations like this, get the law to help? Well, they aren't good for much here, so he'll have to to a warlock (Man-Biao Bak) to extract some nasty supernatural payback, which of course soon grows out of hand when Chau learns that she was preggers.

Though pretty gory, it takes a while for the splatter to get going. Granted, we do get some pleasing to the eyes gratuitous nudity, but those who are impatient have to wait 40 something minutes until any supernatural revenge takes place. Until then, you get some rather uneven acting and a few slow moments to trudge through.

Those that are patient however, will be thrilled with the rest of the movie, which is pure, unapologetic insanity. From here on, you get brains in coconuts, vomited worms, pitch black humor ("this coconut is plump! You should try it!"), spines popping out of backs, a tentacled demonic fetus monster, and so much more. It's a case of the director and writers going all out to give the audience something they haven't seen before, and for me, that was the mostly the case. I'm used to supernatural revenge tales, but I've never seen one from China, so that probably added to the fact that this movie manages to take a well-worn sub-genre feel fresh again. It's also got some nice, creepy atmosphere, and it's mostly well directed by Chuan Yang, who knows what audiences want to see, and delivers it in spades.

Is "Seeding of a Ghost" a good introduction to Chinese exploitation? I can't say for sure, but it makes for an entertaining 89 minutes of pure madness.

Rating: 8/10

Deathstalker (1983) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987)

2011-08-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't bother seeing the recent remake of "Conan the Barbarian" (and from the box office and reviews, if looks like I didn't miss anything.) Instead, I bought and watched the contents of "Roger Corman's Cult Classics: Sword and Sorcery." As I've mentioned in the past, Corman was quick to ride on the success of the original "Conan", with movies like "Sorceress" and "Barbarian Queen" flooding theaters and VHS rentals back in the day. The most successful of these though, was the "Deathstalker" series, which took the basics of the Sword and Sorcery genre and added more exploitable elements to them. So with all that out of the way, let's take a look at the first two movies in the franchise.

"Deathstalker" deals with a man named...well, named Deathstalker (Rick Hill), who ends up on a Journey to find the three powers of creation or something, rescue a princess (Barbi Benton) and stop an evil wizard named Munkar (Bernard Erhard), whose holding a big "'Enter the Dragon' with swords and blood" style tournament. He's not alone though, as he has a warrior woman in Kaira (Lana Clarkson), an old hermit in Oghris (Richard Brooker) and a man named Kang (Victor Bo), whose missing Kodos.

If there's any problem with "Deathstalker", it's that the main character is a huge asshole. There's really no reason to root for him other than his mission to stop Munkar, and the fact that he's practically a rapist is pretty off-putting. Apart from that, this is fun but minor exploitation with enough severed limbs and heads, female nudity, mud wrestling, and humor to make for a fun afternoon viewing. The sense of humor in particular stands out, as it keeps this from feeling like yet another drab "Conan" rip-off. At least it's one that doesn't take itself too seriously.

The humor was amplified in Jim Wynorski's sequel "Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans", in which our hero is now played by John Terlesky as someone whose still an asshole, but is less of one, as well as a smart ass. Here, he must help Reena the Seer (Monique Gabriel), whose actually a princes that's been cloned by the evil sorcerer (is there any other kind-hey, I think Deathstalker actually says that at one point!) Jarek (John Lazar) who now control her kingdom. Oh, and let's not forget the evil Sultana (Toni Naples) who wants Deathstalker dead, and an army of Amazonian warrior women.

If there's anything holding this sequel back, it's the unnecessary stock footage taken from the original, as well as a few moments that feel too goofy for it's own good. That out of the way, this is also a fun little movie, with Terlesky being a lot of fun (and clearly having fun) as our wise cracking hero. Gorehounds might fine themselves disappointed in the fact that the bloodshed is more minor here, but there's still enough boobs, amusing one liners, zombies and all around fun to make for a nice time. Also, nice electronic score by Chuck Cirino.

To be honest, these aren't good movies in the traditional sense of the word. That's just fine though, as they clearly know they aren't. These are to the point exploitation movies that deliver whatever base interests you have, and that's all one could ask for from movies called "Deathstalker."

Ratings:
DeathStalker: 6.5/10
Deathstalker II: 7/10

Super Hybrid (2010)

2011-08-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

Killer cars and automobiles aren't a rarity exclusive to Monty Python. Nope, they are also a sub-genre in horror, with movies ranging from "The Cars" to "Christine" to "Maximum Overdrive." That's fine and all, except there's one problem: with the exception of movies one and two, it's pretty much impossible to do a scary killer car movie. Why? Because the premise of a killer, driver free car is kinda goofy. Case in point: 2010's "Super Hybrid", which wants to intrigue, but instead ends up being mostly boring.

After killing two dumb guys nobody will miss, our killer car ends up getting in a traffic accident. However, the mechanics and their asshole boss Ray (Oded Fehr) soon find out that it has a thing for killing people, and seems to be controlled by a tentacled monster.

Sure sounds goofy, doesn't it? To be fair, director Eric Valette (whose credits include a bad remake of Takashi Miike's "One Missed Call" and the underrated "Malefique") does manage to give us at least one or two nice scenes of the car chasing people, and Fehr is a lot of fun as the dickhead boss. Apart from that, there isn't a whole lot that sticks out here. Sure, there are moments where the car is actually imposing, but almost everyone here is incredibly stupid, not to mention all that well written. The actors seem to be trying, but the screenplay by the ironically named Benjamin Carr doesn't really do them any favors. They mostly just argue, run from the car, and get killed off. Even the monster controlling it isn't all that interesting, as it's just another shoddy looking CGI creation.

Which leads to my biggest complaint about the movie: it's boring. If this had skipped the PG-13 rating and went all out crazy instead of trying to do a serious killer car movie, this would have been fun. Instead, the movie is too routine and uneventful to really warrant too much attention.

Look, as I said, there actually good killer car movies out there. This isn't one of them. Do yourself a favor and watch "Christine" again. Believe me, that offers more surprises and entertainment, even if you've seen it hundreds of times already.

Rating: 3/10

Count Dracula's Great Love (1974)

2011-08-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've always been fascinated with how other countries take on famous characters in horror. Japan gave us several vampire films and the absolutely bizarre kaiju flick "Frankenstein Conquers the World", Mexico gave us The Aztec Mummy, and then there's Spain's Paul Naschy, who gave us his take on the Wolfman, the Mummy, Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and in the case of Javier Aguirre's* "Count Dracula's Great Love", a certain vampire.

The plot is pretty simple: A bevy of women and some guy end up in a castle owned by Dr. Wendell Marlow (Naschy) Well, it turns out that the good doc is actually a bad doc, and by that I mean he's Dracula. Well, he and other vampires (whom he fights from time to time) begin turning these folks into vampires...except for one girl, a virgin who he needs to resurrect his daughter. Problem is, he starts to fall for her.

A mix of old school Gothic horror, unintended camp, dark romance and unapologetic exploitation (Paul sure does get the girls to drop their drawers in his movies), "Count Dracula's Great Love" is plenty of fun for fans of 70's Euro Horror. Here, we get

Paul Naschy being his usual self, this time sporting Bela Lugosi hair
Frequent topless women
Some fun pre "Dawn of the Dead" style bloodshed, including a nifty bit with a scythe
Atmosphere that reminded me of the good Hammer Vampire movies from the 70's-you know, the likes of "Vampire Lovers", "Vampire Circus" and "Countess Dracula"
Sapphic vampire feeding scenes that would make Jean Rollin proud
Requisite staking and whipping

And more. It's largely enjoyable, though it does run into pacing problems, as the movie tends to move a bit slow. Also, while this isn't something I would normally complain about, but the dubbing here is atrocious. It would be nice if an original language print with subtitles, but that doesn't seem to exist at the moment.

Still, for fans of this kind of thing, this is a must see. Also, it's in the public domain, so you can watch it free whenever you want to.

Rating: 7.5/10

*This isn't the only time Aguirre and Naschy collaborated, as the director also did "Hunchback of the Morgue."

The Ward (2011)

2011-08-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

The name John Carpenter means a whole lot to me. From the 70's ("Assault of Precinct 13", "Dark Star" and "Halloween"), the 80's (too many to name), the 90's ("In the Mouth of Madness") and the last decade ("Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns"), he has practically defined cinematic fear and awesomeness. So that's one of the reasons why his latest, "The Ward", kind of disappointed me. Sure, he's let me down in the past, but the fact that he let me down with what is essentially not that bad of a movie, just a frustrating one.

In 1966, Kristine (Amber Heard) is arrested and sent to a mental hospital after burning down a house. Well, she's in for nasty weather, as a ghost seems to be haunting the place, taking girls who are hoping to leave and killing them, and haunting and attacking a select group of girls in the process. So, who is this ghost? Why is she killing people and haunting Kristine? Is Kristine all she seems to be?

To be fair, "The Ward" has a great score by Mark Killian that reminded me of Dario Argento movies, the direction is fine, and the acting is all around good. To be honest, it's not that bad of a movie, as there's plenty to like about it, yet they end up dropping the ball on several occasions. For example, there are too many plot holes in the movie, not to mention unanswered questions. Why are the orderlies and the doctors not recognizing that people are vanishing? When the final twist (which I'll get to in the next paragraph) occurs, you wonder to yourself "so, why dfidn't they tell her this in the beginning?"

This leads to the next complaint, which is a really bad and unnecessary twist nearing the end. Granted, you do get hints about it early on, but it comes out of left field so much that I just looked at the scream and muttered "what the fuck?" to myself loudly. It's also the kind of twist I really hate, which is the type that comes nearing the end, is explained exactly to point, and ends up leaving the viewer more angry then intrigued.

It's a shame too, as I really wanted to like this movie more than I did. I mean come on, it's John Carpenter, I should like this. Sadly, while not exactly "Masters of Horror: Pro-Life", it still left me wanting more. Chalk it up as a misfire.

Rating: 5.5/10

Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf (2010)

2011-08-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

Some premises are so ludicrous, you go with them because of this. Take "Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf", which sports a killer in a giant, metallic wolf outfit. Too bad the movie itself can't do much with the goofiness of that scenario.

Here, said killer is aptly referred to as "The Wolf", and has been captured. This still isn't enough for Johnny Morgan (Andrew Cymek, who also wrote and directed this), who wants him to suffer because he saw "The Wolf" kill his sister when he was a kid (which traumatized him into becoming a bad actor.) Well, an electrical outage causes the killers in the asylum he's in to escape their confines, and they soon start going after civilians. All the while, he must finally come face to face with "The Wolf", who might not be who he thinks it is.

"Medium Raw" is a movie with too many problems to talk about, so before that, I want to mention that William B. Davis (who you may remember as the cigarette smoking man on "The X-Files") is fine in his role, wrestler Christian Cage is fun as Johnny buddy Pete (dude could have a decent career as a character actor in B-Movies when he retires from wrestling), and the killer's lair is creepy and laden with a deathly atmosphere.

Now on to the negatives. For starters, this thing is way too long at an hour and 50 minutes. Movies like this should be 80 or 90 minutes long, not nearly two hours. That kind of length just makes you want to scream "oh just end already." Also, few of the performances are worth a damn, as John Rhys-Davies just mumbles most of his dialogue, co-star/producer Brigitte Kingsley is nothing more than a dull stock character, and don't even get started on Cymek. This guy's one of the worst leading men I've seen in a while, and delivers his dialogue via lots of grimacing and little other emotion or conviction. At least pretend you care. Hell, he wrote and directed it too. Maybe he shouldn't do the triple threat thing. Add some poor humor (a cannibalistic old woman), too many plot holes to name, and a weak conclusion, and you have a disaster.

To be fair, this isn't the worst movie I've seen this year. Far from it in fact. It's just an all around bad movie, with little if anything to really recommend. It's just a a plateful of nothing.

Rating: 2/10

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

2011-08-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

When I reviewed "Resident Evil: Afterlife", I mentioned that a lot of today's franchise movies-"the "Saw" sequels, the "Underworld" movies, and this one-just don't appeal to me. Sure, I can understand why they appeal to so many, but for me, they're nothing to go crazy for. However, I believe I also mentioned that the third entry in the series is the only one that I find worth watching, so I figured "Well, why not review it?"

Taking place after "Apocalypse" (which is the worst entry in the series), this movie sees Alice (Milla Jovovich) and her crew-Clair Redfield (Ali Larter), Carlos Olivera (Oded Feher), Nurse Betty (ha ha) (R & B singer Ashanti) and others now venturing the deserts of Post-Apocalyptic Nevada, looking for a way to survive. In the process, Alice has now gained a sundry of superhuman powers thanks to the Umbrella Corporation's T-Virus, and they haven't forgotten about her or the survivors. So now, Alice and co. must battle undead animals, a newer strain of fast zombie, new mutations, and more from the corporation.

To enjoy a movie like "Resident Evil: Extinction", you must at first acknowledge that this isn't much like "Resident Evil" the video game series. Sure, it has Clair Redfield and the Umbrella Coporation, as well as monsters from the game, but this is ultimately "Resident Evil" fan fiction author's interpretation of the "Resident Evil" universe with a fan made character in Alice. Also, while I abhor the term "turn your brain off" when it comes to movies (even if I did, I'd still hate the "Transformers" movies), that's what you should do with these movies, because there isn't a whole lot going on from a thematic level other than "Billion dollar corporations are evil." This is pure, mindless crap from start to finish.

However, this is shockingly enough, sort of fun crap. That's largely due to director Russell Mulachy (whose credits include "Highlander" and the underrated "Razorback"), who knows firsthand that he's directing B-Movie bullshit, and does it with a sense of playfulness and fun that's lacking from the other movies. The acting is also noticeably better from the prior installments, with Jovovich finally getting comfortable with the role of Alice, and everyone else-well, they aren't great, but they aren't terrible either. Add a few suspenseful set pieces (the best one involving zombiefied birds), a nice Industrial Rock score from "Saw" composer Charlie Clouser, moments of humor, some fun action, and a sequel ready conclusion that didn't annoy me, and you've got a watchable little movie.

Sure, I could complain about the lack of logic, Alice having superpowers, the fact that the movie cribs lovingly from other, better movies (Romero's "Day of the Dead" for example), but you know what? I won't. This is pure, stupid movie junk food. It might not be good, but it's satisfying for what it is.

Rating: 6.5/10

Aswang (1994)

2011-08-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

The vampire, in spite of what popular media might tell you, actually has a rich history dating centuries. From African tradition (the Asanbosam), China (the Jiang Shi) and medieval European lore (the Norse Draugr), the list goes on when it comes to the history and past of the vampire. Another one is the Aswang, a Philippines legend that uses it's tongue to consume unborn children, and is the subject of the movie of the same name.

A pregnant, unwed woman named Katrina (Tina Ona Paukstelis) is given the offer to marry the rich Peter Null (Norman Moses) and live in his estate with his dying mother, her daughter, and Cupid the caretaker (Mildred Nierras.) Of course, they have plans for that baby, and what's with the guy who keeps finding strange, cocoon like things and skulls of unborn children?

The history of "Aswang" is an interesting one. Premiering at Sundance (the first horror movie to be shown there in fact), it was picked up for distribution from Prisim, who cut a few seconds of gore from the movie. To make things worst, I couldn't find it in any of the VHS rentals back in the day, as they thought it's subject matter was too disgusting and offensive (ironic, considering they sold porn, soft core flicks, hentai and movies with titles like "Rape Squad" without batting an eye.) Fortunately, Mondo Macarbo finally released it uncut on DVD. So, how does it hold up?

Well, it's a fun movie, but it's nothing really original or innovative. Borrowing liberally from "The Shining", "The Evil Dead", "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Psycho", and adding a pinch of Filipino horror to the mix, it's still pretty odd, mostly due to the subject matter, but also due to the strain of very black humor on display, with a few moments (mamma hanging from a window by her very long tongue) garnering chuckles, proving that the people behind this at least know how to have fun. There's also some nice gore, a few genuinely suspenseful moments, a good enough score by Ken Brahmstedt (dig the weird electronic effects), an interesting subplot, and a fitting, bleak conclusion.

Problems? Well for one thing, none of the performances here are particularly good, with Moses being the worst offender. Here, he screams, grunts, bugs his eyes, and acts so over the top that you kind of wish someone else would have played him. Also, the viewer is lead to know that the Null family are a bit strange too soon, as it would have been nice to allow some sort of false sense of security when it comes to them. Then again, if they weren't crazy, you wouldn't have a horror movie, so I can't complain too much.

"Aswang" is an enjoyable little romp that managed to keep my interest throughout, though I don't think many will mistake it as a classic. It is what it is: an enthusiastic, nasty B-Movie. Nothing more, nothing less.

Rating: 7/10

Body Parts (1991)

2011-08-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

Eric Red is a pretty well known and largely respected name in the world of horror. As a writer, his credits include "Near Dark", "The Hitcher" and "Blue Steel", while as a writer and a director, his credits include "Bad Moon", "Cohen and Tate", "Undertow", "100 Feet" and this movie, 1991's "Body Parts."

After Losing his arm in a car accident, criminal psychologist Bill Chrushank (Jeff Fahey) finds himself with a new arm thanks to Dr. Agatha Webb (Lindsay Duncan.) The problem: it belonged to a serial killer, and he soon starts seeing violent images and begins to behave in a more violent nature. Now, with the help of Mark Draper (Peter Murnik) and artist Remo Lacey (Brad Dourif), who also got parts from the killer, Bill must put a stop to this.

From the premise alone, you'd be forgiven for thinking "Body Parts" sounds pretty stupid. That's because...well, it is very stupid. However, it's also more fun than it has any right to be, thanks to the fact that it becomes pretty clear that Red realizes how goofy this is, and adds an undercurrent of black humor to the proceedings, much of it provided by Dourif's creepy Remo. It's also capably directed and acted for the most part, with the supporting cast all doing fine work, especially Douriff and Duncan, who does a great job as the icy, evil Doctor with darker motives for what she's doing. Oh, and there's even some decent (but not exactly mindblowing) gore, a fine score by Loek Dikker (*snicker*), and a satisfying conclusion.

The problems it runs into largely deal with some pretty bad dialogue and a not particularly great lead performance. As Bill, Fahey feels a bit one note, though there are moments where his character seems to come at least a little alive. It doesn't help that some of what comes out of his mouth is just embarrassing. Maybe Red meant for it to come off as campy, but lines like "THIS ARM IS KILLING ME DOC!" are impossible to hear without titters of laughter.

Still, "Body Parts" makes for a decent little Netflix rental, and offers enough moments of inspiratin and ghastly humor to keep you interest. A nice little sleeper.

Rating: 6.5/10

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

2011-08-09T15:39:00.001-07:00

Written by renowned "splatterpunk" author David J. Schow and directed by Jeff Burr, "Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III" came out in the wrong time. At this point, theatrical horror wasn't the force it once was, the second one confused some fans (though I love that movie), and then there's the MPAA, who cut the thing to hell and hated it from the get go. So, how does the movie fair as a whole?

Michelle (Kate Hodge, in her acting debut) and her boyfriend Ryan (William Butler) are in Texas, where a body pit has been found, and they are threatened by a perverted gas station attendant. Before you can say "rev my chainsaw and call me Bubba", Leatherface (R.A. Mihailoff) is back, and this time, his family is made up of "Tex" (Viggo Mortensen), Mama (Miriam Byrd-Nethery) and a psychotic, unnamed little girl (Jennifer Banko), who may be Leatherface's daughter. Can survivalist bad ass Benny (Ken Foree) help save the day?

"Leatherface" fortunately keeps up with the sadistic humor of the prior two movies, though the satire of yuppie-era America and consumerism of "Part 2" is not here. Nope, it's back to satirizing the dark side of the nuclear family, and for the large part, that works thanks to the fine cast, who manage to make it feel like you are watching a family bond and biker. The rest of the cast is also game, with Foree making for a great tough guy, and Hodge going through hell and coming out tough (naturally.) Burr also has a good eye for detail, as little things like Leatherface's abode brought to mind the bone based sets of the original. Plus, there's some fine one liners here ("There's roadkill all over Texas") that didn't hurt the least.

Problems? Well, one that's not the fault of the filmmakers is the way the MPAA handled the movie, as even in it's unrated format, it feels cut to hell. That didn't bother me too much though. What did however, were Leatherface's family and the killer himself. Except for ol' chainsaw and the little girl, none of the family is all that scary, and just feel like refugees from another redneck horror movie. Then there's the fact that Leatherface is a bit of a backwoods rapist/impregnation machine here. What made him so frightening in the original was that he was a sexless slaughtering machine. Here, he's a killing machine, but by adding a newer aspect, he feels a bit demystified.

So, is this one worth a look? As a rental-and especially as a curiosity-it's worth watching. That out of the way, even without some of the cuts, I can't help but feel they should have done a few things a little differently.

Rating: 6/10

Witchville (2010)

2011-08-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hey fans of Sy-Fy channel mediocrity, I've got news for you: "Witchville" doesn't differ from a lot of what you see, with...wait a minute, this is slightly different from a lot of what I see and review from said channel? Then slap me around and call me Bubba, this might be fun! Well, let's see if it is.

Malachy (Luke Goss), a prince who has been banished from his kingdom, has been thrust back into leadership due to the malevolent force of The Red Queen (Sarah Douglas), her daughter Jozefa (MyAnna Buring) and a whole slew of witches. Now, with the help of witchfinder named Kramer (Simon Thorp-yes, I too tried made the obvious jokes about his character's name), his right hand man Hobart (Ian Virgo), several other brave warriors, and master of the martial arts Darian (Xiaofei Zhou), he must bring this evil down.

An attempt at mixing standard sword n' sorcery fantasy, Gothic horror (some of the plot and events felt like they could have come from a British genre film from the 60's or 70's) and martial arts action, you can't say that "Witchville" doesn't have any ambition to try something different. On the plus side, the acting (save for Thorpe, whose way too over the top in his role) is fine, with Goss and Douglas clearly having fun with their roles, and Buring bringing a level of sympathy as the put upon by her mother Jozefa. The action scenes are also top notch, as is the score by Neal Arcee that adds a nice medieval flair. Also worthy of praise is the cinematography, which makes the world the film takes place in look gorgeous and foreboding at the same time.

Unfortunately, this isn't a real winner, though that's what one expects from a Sy-Fy Channel movie. For all the Gothic trappings, there's very little in the way of atmosphere, as it all feels mostly like another TV movie. Speaking of which, there's times where it looks cheap even for a Sy-Fy Channel flick, with the props and weapons looking pretty plastic, at times making it look more like people at a Live Action Role-Playing event than an actual movie. Then there's the ending, which threatens a sequel. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just common sense in the movie world (lol like that exists), but promising a sequel to a movie that will obviously never be made is pretty stupid.

So as it stands, "Witchville" is nothing worthy of a hardy recommendation. However, if you see it on TV or in a Redbox, you could probably give it a shot, as nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, and is one of the better Sy-Fy Channel movies I've seen recently.

Rating: 5.5/10

Interplanetary (2008)

2011-08-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

I usually tend to tip my hat when a horror comedy movie tries something different. In Chance ("Hide and Creep") Shirley's "Interplanetary", the usual broad, over the top humor that pervades no-budget films like this, instead going sticking largely with a more dry, observant humor. Does it work? Well...sometimes, though the end result is a movie that should have been better.

In Mars Base 2 (technically, it's Mars Base One, but the company decided to change the name), strange goings on occur after Martian fossils are discovered. Now, the crew and scientists working are faced with something worse than the usual office politics...

Though it sounds like it, "Interplanetary" isn't exactly "The Office" or "Office Space" set in space with a murderous being. It comes close at times, but the movie is more of a social satire than an office comedy, with rips on the nature of corrupt corporations, clueless political maneuvering and what Science can (and sometimes maybe shouldn't) do. The low budget effects present actually help, making the movie look at times like a 16mm version of those old Sci-Fi shows from the 60's. The humor is also sometimes funny, with amusing gags (profanity filters in the spacesuits) managing to keep the audience laughing. Oh, and I really like the retro-tastic score, which perfectly evokes the likes of John Carpenter's "Dark Star" (which is clearly the main influence.)

At the same time, the movie suffers some serious pacing issues, with moments that are either supposed to be funny failing or at worst ending up being boring. Also, the sexual humor falls flat, as gags revolving around a slutty worker and sex toys are meant to tickle the funny bone, but they don't. They just annoyed me. Then there's the fact that nothing seriously bad happens until nearing the conclusion. I'm usually all for movies that make you wait, but there's nothing here that's really menacing. As the cliche goes, mixing the comedic with the horrific is hard, but when nothing is horrific and the humor sometimes faulters, the viewer may find themselves being frustrated.

As a whole, I'm 50/50 on "Interplanetary." It's available on Netflix streaming, and it's worth watching some of it during a slow day, but don't be shocked if it doesn't win you over at the end.

Rating: 5/10

Classic Poster Art: The Exterminator (1980)

2011-08-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)

2011-08-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

I recently read a review on Dread Central that brought up a good point: "From Dusk Till Dawn" was a solid film that really didn't need a sequel per say. Granted, you could say that about a lot of movies-"Jaws", "The Matrix", "Robocop", "Starship Troopers"-but here was a movie that was an anomaly as far as 1996 theatrical movies were concerned-a film that was an unapologetic ode to exploitation movies that featured gore and nudity with no shame and little censorship. That out of the way, we didn't need two sequels, as "Texas Blood Money" proves.

Buck (Robert Patrick), Luther (Duane Whitaker), CW (Muse Watson) Ray Bob (Woody Harrelson's brother Brett) and roided-up owner of a fighting dog Jesus (Raymond Cruz) are out to pull the ultimate robbery in Mexico. Too bad Luther runs into the Titty Twister, where he meets Razor Eddie (Danny Trejo as the only actor reprising a role), who turns him into a vampire. Soon, more people are turned and killed, and all hell breaks loose.

I will say this much: seeing it again, "Texas Blood Money" is slightly more enjoyable this time around. Here, there's a few amusing gags, lots of energy, a fun cameo from Bruce Campbell and Tiffani-Amber Theissen (which is more fun considering Campbell's cameo at the end of the director's first film "The Intruder") and some interesting kills. Plus, it's obvious that the director isn't trying to do a cookie-cutter style horror sequel, and actually pulls a few curve balls every now and then (including an amusing riff on the shower scene in "Psycho" .)

Still, this is a direct-to-video sequel, and sadly, not a particularly fun one at that. Sure, a few moments of humor work, but most of them (a bad conversation about what makes a good porn movie, a lot of terrible puns) fall really flat. Also, except for Patrick, Trejo and Cruz, nobody here delivers a good to decent performance. The make-up and gore FX are also hit and miss (a shock considering they came from KNB) and at times come off as cheap, and the score by Joseph Williams is as dull and generic as they get. Then there's the POV shots. While a few of them are fun (fangs biting a neck from the mouth's POV), most of them are terrible and headache inducing. Sure, this might have worked in "The Intruder", but here they feel unnecessary.

As far as non-theatrical sequels go, I've seen much worse than this, and again, I enjoyed parts of it. However, it's nothing worthy of a recommendation, and ultimately reminds the viewer that some movies just don't need sequels.

Rating: 4/10

House of the Rising Sun (2011)

2011-07-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Grindstone Entertainment sure puts out a lot of straight to DVD fair. For those who don't know, they are a distribution/sometimes production company who tend to release a lot of crap that usually get's released on DVD via Lionsgate. That out of the way, while they release a lot of action related titles (including "Wrong Side of Town" and the "Tapout Presents" movies), it's a bit of a surprise to see them trying to do something a little different, which is what "House of the Rising Sun" is. Sure, it has action and the usual Grindstone elements (more Gratuitous than usual nudity, a soundtrack mostly made up of terrible Post-Grunge, Nu-Metal and Hip Hop), but this is actually a stab at a Neo-Noir film.

Former wrestler Dave Bautista plays Ray, a former cop turned bouncer. One night, the nightclub he works for is robbed, and the owner's son is shot dead. As Ray looks for those responsible and tries to clear his name, his criminal past is exposed, and the mob and the police-including a former friend named Tony (Dominic Purcell) are in pursuit. Can Ray make it out alive? Can his ex girlfriend Jenny (Amy Smart) help him out?

I will give this much to "House of the Rising Son"-it's not as unwatchable I feared it would be. This is mostly due to the performances from a few cast mates, with Smart in particular stealing the show as Ray's long suffering ex, and Craig Fairbrass doing fine work as the one cop on Ray's side. The production values are also pretty good for a straight to DVD movie, and I liked the cinematography quite a bit.

That's where the positives end though, as this ultimately becomes a bad attempt at trying to do a noir like thriller. Part of the blame goes to many of the other performances, from Purcell overacting, to Danny Trejo not being given much to do. Then there's Bautista. Look, when he worked for WWE, he was great-an athletic, ass kicking, all around awesome guy (plus a snappy dresser) who had charisma to spare. Here, he doesn't get to do much as far as ass kicking is concerned, and whatever charisma he has back in the day is absent here. It especially doesn't help that Ray is a pretty unlikeable guy as a whole, who get's his ass kicked, get's betrayed, insults his ex over the phone, and just acts like an asshole. Why should I root for this character?

Which leads to the biggest problem: this is a movie that has no clue how to do film noir correctly. This is a movie with plenty of police procedural, clues and twists, but most of it doesn't feel that engaging, as we don't get a very good look at Ray's (or anyone else for that matter) psychological baggage. The conclusion is pretty weak too, as it all just ends without a very satisfying resolution.

I will give those responsible for this small kudos for at least trying something different here. Too bad it fails to make it interesting, instead becoming a dud that's ultimately "Film Noir for Dummies." Skip it.

Rating: 3/10

Scream of the Banshee (2011) and The Task (2010)

2011-07-27T15:54:00.001-07:00

The reason for my absence: my computer conked, so it took a week to get prepared. With that out of the way, let's take a look at the latest "After Dark Originals" to hit DVD, both of which are the weakest thus far.

First is "Scream of the Banshee", a movie co-produced by the Sy-Fy channe, and from the director who gave the world "Automaton Transfusion". It starts out strong actually, with a flashback to the Dark Ages, in which Templar Knights kill a mysterious looking woman, and use a flying guillotine device to get the job done. It's downhill from there, as it then cuts to modern times, in which Professor Isla Whelan (Lauren Holly) and her students unearth an artifact that contains the woman's head. Long story short, said woman is a Banshee, all hell breaks loose, and Lance Henriksen (Playing an insane former professor) figures into it.

I will give the movie this much: there are moments that do achieve a sense of Gothic atmosphere, and I actually kinda liked some of the movie references here (especially those to "Master of the Flying Guillotine" and "Terror Trap.") Apart from that, nothing in this is good. In fact, it's very bad. The Banshee herself is stupid, looking like a poor, toothy "Alien" imitator who has almost Freddy Kruger like powers as far as her ability to create hallucinations and get into people's minds. The acting's not up to snuff either, with Holly's performance leaning somewhere between "Oh, I'll do my best" and "What the hell am I doing here", and Henriksen coming off as a sadistic version of a Scooby Doo Villain. Plus, for whatever atmosphere is in this, there's a distinct lack of dread, as nothing here is genuinely creepy or scary. It's mostly just boring.

Better (but barely) is "The Task", which is another entry in the rut of "reality show contestants/producers caught in a horrific situation" movies. Here, it's six people competing in a reality show called...well, "The Task." I take it the title didn't take much thought. Anyhow, they are competing in a closed jail in which a sadistic warden (Valentin Garnev) tortured and killed inmates before being executed. They say his ghost haunts it to this day, and that may (or may not) be the case. Cue supernatural slasher movie antics.

"The Task" is at least the better acted of the two, though to say any of these people are interesting or likable people would be a lie. There's also a sense of humor that occasionally made me chuckle, and one solid kill. Too bad it's all something we've seen before. Here, you know who lives and who dies, and as usual, you can't wait for them to kick the bucket. It's also directed in a rather pedestrian manner, as first time director Alex Orwell doesn't seem to know how to build tension, atmosphere or suspense. Which leads to the biggest problem-it takes way too long to get anywhere. It's at least an hour in until these kids started getting killed off, and until then, it's just a bunch of boring conversations between unlikable people who you wouldn't want to hang out with. Oh, and don't get me started on the terrible twist at the end, which...you know what? Fuck it, this is the weaker of the two.

As I said, these are the weakest of the "After Dark Originals" (or at least in this line up), and they aren't anything to look forward to. Skip 'em, and stick with "Seconds Apart."

Ratings:

Scream of the Banshee: 2/10
The Task: 1.5/10

God of Vampires (2010)

2011-07-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

Even though the product doesn't always (okay, usually) come up to snuff, I have to tip my hat to independent distributors like Tempe and (in this case) Midnight Releasing, who put out truly independent horror films that cost pennies to make. Movies like this aren't just a part of the backbone of horror. They are a part of the backbone of movies-something made without major studio input for nothing by people who want to do nothing but make movies, or a movie. That's exactly what "God of Vampies", which is the full length directorial debut from make-up effects man Rob Fitz, is-a film that took nine years to complete and release, and took literal blood, sweat and tears to get done.

The plot itself is pretty basic: Frank Ng (Dharma Lam) is an assassin whose been sent to kill Chinese crime Lord Vincent Chau (Shy Theerakulstit). When he's done, it turns out Frankie can't say "relax", as it turns out that said crime lord is a vampire from Chinese folklore called a Kiang-Shi, whose going to make Frank's life a nightmare by turning and killing everyone that comes into his path-including those that Frank loves. So, with the help of a man known as Uncle Ping (Ben Wang) and a group of unlikely vampire slayers, Frank sets out to put a stop to Vincent and his vampire army once and for all.

Take "From Dusk Til Dawn", mix it with an 80's B-Movie, add a huge dose of 80's/early 90's Hong Kong action and horror, and make it for about $26,000, and this is what you get. When it comes to micro-budget horror, you have to be careful. Sure, you'll occasionally fine something that lives up to the hype ("Bad Taste" for example), but usually, you get something that feels more like it should be playing on public access television. That out of the way, "God of Vampires" is one of the better recent no-budget horror movies I've seen.

I'd go on about "blah blah blah enthusiasm", but instead, I'll just put it like this: unlike other movies of this type, this actually feels like a movie, and it's kinda fun. You can tell that Fitz and co. did all they could to make this feel at least semi-professional, so it's refreshing to see something like this that doesn't feel like some kids playing in their back yard. That's largely due to the fact that they got more than ten or twenty people in this movie, and that it takes place in more than five locations. Meanwhile, the direction and editing are pretty good, the gore and make-up effects are phenomenal for this kind of movie (not to mention plentiful), and the fight choreography is mostly top notch. Best of all, as I said, this is kinda fun, and usually feels like the kind of movie a lot of people have been trying to make with no-budget, only succeeding.

Well, not completely succeeding. While it does run into the usual flaws movies of this nature run into (amateur performances, pacing issues), Two that are very noticeable are the poor lighting and inadequate sound mix. I know, this was made for chump change, but it wouldn't hurt to at least try to afford better lighting, as I occasionally had trouble making out what was going on. There's also times in which the movie feels like it's trying too hard to be cool for it's own good, particularly when it comes to one liners. Sure, a few are pretty good ("Who are you?" "The welcoming comity"), but then we get lines like "I know drunken-style, bitch!", which just made me groan.

So, is "God of Vampires" worth watching? It depends. If you aren't used to unpolished looking horror made on a miniscule budget, then no. If however, you want one of these types of films that's better than usual, then it's a given.

Rating: 6.5/10

Brain Dead (2007)

2011-07-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Making a comeback or trying to do a return to form can always be hard. When Ministry tried, they essentially became a rather boring thrash metal band. Lucio Fulci tried with "Zombi 3", and that didn't work out the way anyone wanted it to, instead becoming a laughable mess. Metallica tried with "St. Anger", and ended up making the worst album of their careers. I think you get the point.

So, what if your Kevin S. Tenney? You know, the man who gave the world "Witchboard" and "Night of the Demons." After those movies, we got such "classic" films such as "Pinocchio's Revenge", "The Second Arrival" and "Endangered Species", which didn't exactly win people over.* Plus, while it's a fun movie, I can't exactly classify "Night of the Demons" as a stone cold classic, as it's also a very, very dumb movie. Well, with "Brain Dead", he sets out to do the kind of B-Movie with tits and blood that were once his bread and butter.

The plot is so basic, it could have come from the 80's, which is exactly the point. Basically, a meteorite lands on a fisherman in a small backwoods creek, infecting him and turning him into a brain hungry zombie that spews forth black gunk and infects others. Now, soon to be arrested Clarence Singer (Joshua Benton), psycho convict Bob Jules (David Crane), med students Sherry Morgan (Sarah Grant Brendecke) and Claudia Bush (Michelle Tomlinson), the righteous but hypocritical and cowardly Reverend Farsnworth (Andy Forrest) and his lovely assistant Amy Smoots (Cristina Tiberia) must fight to survive. Oh, and Jim Wynorski has a cameo as Sheriff Bodine.

I will give "Brain Dead" this much: it was clearly the movie Tenney wanted to make, without studio interference (this is indeed an independent effort) for his fans, and for that, I salute him. There's plenty of female nudity, the gore and zombie make-up effects look great for such a low-budget effort, and what do ya know, some of the humor was actually pretty funny (the bit with the police woman's body stumbling around after a zombie rips her brain out of her head made me laugh hard.) Oh, and Dennis Michael Tenney’s score is nostalgic, but in all the right ways, and would have fit perfectly in one of those campy 80's horror films.

At the same time, this feels like a movie that should have been better than it actually is. For one thing, this is a movie that clearly wants to be a return to form for Tenneny, but it tries too hard to be a campy, bloody exercise that it at times forgets that sometimes it takes a little more than blood and boobs to make a movie work. The acting is all around terrible. Granted, it was bad in "Night of the Demons", but here it's even worse, with Brendrake and Tomlinson offering terrible one liners at every given opportunity, and Forrest being really grating and at times forced at Reverend Farnsworth. Also, while I'm all for jabs at fundamentalism and hypocrisy, here they feel out of place. This is a movie where we want boobs and gore, not conversations about faith and the flaws of righteousness.

Finally, while there are some funny moments, there's also a lot of moments that just fall flat (what was with that ending joke?) One of the things about "Night of the Demons" that made it entertaining was the sheer energy and enthusiasm that went into the tongue-in-cheek nature of the film, even when the jokes fell flat. Here, it kind of feels like the movie is going through the motions, trying to make something stick, whilst forgetting what made his past movies so successful. It ultimately wants to be a movie for fans of 80's style dumb-but-fun horror movies, but it forgets the primary ingredient: make sure it feels inspired.

Look, one might say "Of course the acting is bad and some of the jokes are bad. That's the point!" Well, if that's the point, then I can't bring myself to enjoy it that much. It's not a terrible movie-it's actually quite watchable in fact. But for something that so clearly wants to be a return to the glory days of 80's gore and nudity filled B-Movies, "Brain Dead" ultimately comes up short. A disappointment to say the least, though it could have been worse.

Rating: 5/10

*Okay, "Peacemaker" is kinda fun.

Book Review: Midnight Movie

2011-07-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

Now for something different...

Everybody who knows about horror has heard of Tobe Hooper, so I'll just leave it at that. Well, it seems like writing a novel is what he wanted to do next, hence this review of his first one, "Midnight Movie", which he co-wrote with Alan Goldsheer ("Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion.")

Tobe Hooper has been woken up by an obnoxious guy named Dude McGee. Why? Because dude has obtained a very hard to find copy of Hooper's first movie, a fucked up little ditty he made as a teen called "Destiny Express", which will be seen for the first time by anyone-even Hooper himself- at SXSW. Well, the movie turns out to make an impact-but not a good one, as it unleashes a virus known as "The Game." What does "The Game" do? Why, it causes a strange blue liquid to ooze from your genitals, then you're skin starts to become green and slimy, and then you become a zombie. Now, with the help of a film critic named Erik Laughlin and those who helped make "Destiny Express", Hooper must find a way to stop this epidemic before it destroys humanity.

"Midnight Movie" is a relatively quick read, and not particularly scary. In fact, it's more of a mix of dark humor, gore and sex that at times reminded me of one of those splatterpunk novels from the 80's, only updated for today's environment. To be fair, it does run into two problems. The first one is that few of the people here are written all that well. Characterization is sadly not the book's strong point, and apart from a Game-stricken sophomore named Andi Daltrey and her sister Jaine after being viciously beaten by her zombified ex, you don't really care about anyone's fate here. The other problem is that it tries to tackle various subjects-terrorism, meth addiction, the nature of horror films, old friendships-in a novel that isn't particularly long, thus making some of it feel kinda added on for no real reason other than padding (I could have done without the meth subplot.)

That out of the way, this is still a fun but light book that reads like a B-Movie throughout-hell, I'd like to see this become one. The humor is mostly funny and gruesome, with enough gallows laughs and chuckle worthy moments, not to mention some revolting gore. I especially like the movie aspect of the book, because 1.) it's a nice twist on the usual "viral outbreak creates zombies" convention that's been done to death (pun intended), and 2.) it's actually a pretty insightful look at the nature of the movie business. You can tell that this is from a man whose dealt for years with the shallow, artless nature of Hollywood, yet all of the frustrations never feel like venting. Instead, this a man telling you upfront that he's danced in the business for years, and he knows the ups-and-downs of making movies. If anything, it makes me hope that Hooper one day writes a memoir.

So, is "Midnight Movie" worth a read? It's far from spectacular, and ultimately feels like it could have been better, but it's an enjoyable bit of literary junk food that managed to keep me reading throughout. It's not perfect, but at least I didn't have a bad time.

Rating: 6.5/10

Dinocroc vs. Supergator (2010)

2011-07-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

I've gone out of my way to avoid reviewing any of the "_______ vs. _______" movies that the SyFy Channel has offered. Unlike say, something like an old Kaiju flick like "Godzilla vs. Mothra", there's no real fun or excitement going on. Just plenty of dull mediocrity and usually forced attempts at campy humor, not to mention terrible CG effects and less than satisfactory final battles between the beasts. Well, I caved in and decided to review "Dinocroc vs. Supergator", but only because it was produced by Roger Corman and directed by Corman regular/Cinemax fave Jim Wynorski. Too bad the end result isn't that different.

Jason Drake (David Carradine) runs a genetics lab that produces a growth serum, which he thinks should be tested on animals. This of course, turns out to be another example of man tampering with what he shouldn't, as it produces a giant gator and a dinosaur-crocodile hybrid (how that last part is possible is beyond me) that break loose and decide to snack on some people. To clean that up, he sends in some soldiers, who end up becoming gator chum. So, he sends a hot British gal named Victoria (Auerelia Parsons) and a guy known as "The Cajun" (Rib Hillis) to clean things up. To make things worse for Drake, he's being investigated by a goverment spy named Paul Beaumont (Cory Landis) and a hot but inappropriately dressed Parks and Recreations officer who sadly doesn't come from Pawnee, and is named Cassidy (Amy Rassimas.)

Long story short: people are munched on, assassinations are attempted, and the Dinocroc and the Supergator will duke it out.

Before I get on with the review, I want to mention that while I find conspiracy theories abhorrent and stupid, I'm starting to doubt that David Carradine is actually dead. Dude was pronounced dead like two years ago, yet he keeps showing up in movies. Maybe he faked his death, has done a few appearances in B-Movies, and now lives somewhere in the Philippines where he does a lot of cocaine and has a harem of underage prostitutes.

Anyways, I'll give the movie this much: it does feature moments of Wynorski's trademark campy humor (I actually got a few laughs out of this), as well as his love of lovingly filming women in skimpy bikinis. Sadly, no female nudity, but this is a Scy-Fy Channel movie. I also kinda dug the score by Chuck Cirino and Al and Jon Kaplan, which appropriately features some twangy guitar riffs.

Apart from that, there's really nothing to praise about this movie. The acting is all around awful, Carradine simply shows up a few times and seems bored. The gore is done via badly done CG, and there's only a few kills that stand out, as most of them are pretty lame. Most of the characters (including a rather pointless movie producer) exist only to become monster food. The final battle is pretty one-sided, not to mention boring and far too brief. Then there's the fact that this whole thing is illogical even by SyFy Channel standards. How is it possible to do a dinosaur-crocodile hybrid? Why would anybody want to do create such a thing? Exactly why are they experimenting on animals? What in God's name is with the movie producer character? Why are the Dinocroc and the Supergator fighting? Nothing is really explained, and none of it makes any sense, which makes for a confusing experience.

There isn't a lot that differentiates from the usual SyFy Channel movie here. There's no attention paid to logic, the effects are bad, the acting is mostly dull, and it's rarely that exciting. I've seen worse from them, but this is still lazy, uninteresting garbage.

Rating: 2.5/10

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

2011-07-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't really reviewed many slasher classics so to speak, mostly due to laziness, and also because I sometimes avoid reviewing classics, instead sticking with lesser known entries in the horror genre. Well, I decided to stop being lazy, which is clearly what J. Lee Thompson ("Cape Fear", "Conquest of" and "Beneath the Planet of the Apes" and several Charles Bronson movies.) tried not to do with "Happy Birthday to Me", as he (and the studio) clearly realized that they were running out of Holiday themed slasher movies, so why not birthdays?

Virginia Wainwright (Melissa Sue Anthony) has returned to school after an accident damaged her brain and left her remembering little of what happened in her past. Well, she's welcomed into a popular clique called the Top Ten, who soon start getting knocked off. Virginia believes a link to her past may have something to do with these murders, and that she might be the perpetrator. Is she the killer? Is it someone else? Does Dr. David Faraday (Glenn Ford) know more than he seems to?

Though the movie promises that people die in bizarre ways (indeed, some do-the bench press death is great), "Happy Birthday to Me" owed more to Italian giallo films than it does slasher films, as it seems less interested in explicit bloodshed and more interested in twists and turns in the story, which is a major plus. It also relies more on character development, or at least in the case of Virginia, whose plight and shadowy past make for intriguing viewing. Those who die however, are pretty much slasher stereotypes, though they are thankfully better acted than usual. The movie is also very well directed by Thompson, who handles suspense better than other slasher films of the time, and understands that a little plot and intelligence goes a long way. Oh, and great score by Bo Harwood and Lance Rubin.

I do have one problem with the movie though, and it's the twist at the end when the killer is revealed. I'm sure some love the conclusion, but for me, it felt way too out of left field, not to mention rather sudden. It's really not surprising that it was written in the last second, as it really shows.

That out of the way, if you're a slasher fan, you've probably seen this, and good for you if you have. It stands up there with "My Bloody Valentine" in the echelons Canadian Slasher films of the 80's, and serves as a nice change of pace in the 80's slasher genre.

Rating: 8.5/10

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

2011-07-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

I remember seeing the mock trailer for "Hobo with a Shotgun" around 2007 (as does everyone else), thinking to myself "Holy shit, this would be an awesome movie!" Then it was announced that it was going to be a movie, with Rutger Hauer as the main hero. I was thrilled by the idea, but also weary, as it sounded too much like a good thing. Well, lo and behold, it's on DVD and Blu-Ray after a theatrical and on-demand run, so how does it add up.

Our unnamed, homeless hero comes to a small town ridden by crime, murder, prostitution, drug peddling and other such unpleasantness, that is ruled over by a psychopathic crime king known as Drake (Brian Downey) and his sadistic sons Ivan (Nick Bateman) and Slick (Gregory Smith.) After an attempt at trying to bring justice fails, the hobo soon realizes that his dreams of owning a lawnmower and living a calm, peaceful life are nil, as are any chances of justice in this town. So after obtaining some money, he decides to cash in on a shotgun to dispense justice.

Things now start looking up a bit, as the streets are suddenly safer, the town loves him, and he's even befriended a hooker with a heart of gold in Abby (Molly Dunsworth.) Well, great for everyone except for Drake, who along with his sons, hatches a plan to rid the town of this hobo once and for all, even if it means calling in two ruthless killers known only as "The Plague."

Well, here's a rarity: a movie that actually lives up to its initial promise. "Hobo with a Shotgun" is a deliriously gory, blackly comic ride that rarely if ever manages to bore the viewer. That's largely because the movie is so well made, with a great electronic score, excellent cinematography by Karim Hussein, excellent use of saturated colors, wonderful effects, and an ability to mix humor and homage with a sense of pathos. The pathos themselves come mostly from Hauer, who plays the role straight, and creates a character who remains sympathetic throughout. Here's a guy that loves this town he's now in, and wants a better life for it, even if it doesn't want him around. It's through him that the film serves as something of an indictment towards society's apathy and cruelty to it's homeless.

Fortunately, Hauer isn't the only good performance here. Dunsworth is great as the hooker with a heart of gold archetype, and manages to transcend that perfectly by making her a bit of a tough gal herself. Meanwhile, Downey is gloriously over the top as our main villain, while Smith and Bateman are awesome as his evil as hell sons, sporting crass one liners ("Whose ready for a skate rape?!") Seriosuly, these guys come off as Marty McFly's evil lost brothers. Oh, and I can't go without mentioning The Plague. While most movies of this type try and fail to create memorable bad-ass villains like this, The Plague are something else-clad in armor, wielding an array of deadly weapons, fucking up everything in their path, and being imposing in the process. The movie really deserves kudos for this.

So, is this worth seeing? If you enjoy gore and love gallows humor and action with a social message that never gets rammed in via a sledgehammer approach, then yes, you should see this. If not-well, then why are you reading this review anyway?

Rating: 9/10

Prey (2010)

2011-07-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not the type of guy who likes to go hunting. Oh sure, I love meat, but I was never one to sit out in the woods, waiting for some animal. Nonetheless, hunting and outdoors trips gone horribly wrong are a regular staple for horror films, from hundreds of "Backwoods Rednecks/Slashers" movies to "The Evil Dead." The idea of man being separated from civilization, only to come face to face with evils he wouldn't find in the suburban or urban world is one that can be exploited for all kinds of fear potential. It seems that France, who have been releasing horror regularly for a while now, realizes this, as Antoine Blossier's "Prey" proves.

Nathan (Grégoire Colin) is headed to a countryside retreat for his wife Clair's (Bérénice Bejo) family. When her dad is attacked one night by a terrified deer, Nathan and the men of the family decide to venture into the woods to see what could have spooked Bambi so much. Well, it turns out that it was a giant Wild Boar, and to make things worse, it's not alone. However, as tensions mount between the men, it seems like these animals might not be the biggest threat after all.

"Prey" isn't really the most original movie, as it could best be described as "Razorback" meets "The Descent." That out of the way, it turned out to be a nice little surprise that managed to keep my interest throughout, as the direction is pretty impressive, the acting is strong, and the characters, while not exactly the most likeable, are at least interesting. It also manages to keep a reasonable, suspenseful pace, with several scenes (in particular one involving a cell phone) that should keep the viewer invested. Also, nice to see a movie use real time FX work instead of lazy CGI for a change,

If it does run into any flaws, it's that other than Nathan and the rest of the family, we don't really get to know anyone else that well. For example, it would have also been nice to know a little more about Claire, as we don't know much about her other than she's pregnant and that she's Nathan's wife. I also found the conclusion to be a bit sudden, as if the director just thought "Well, that's it!"

Still, I found "Prey" to be a nice little movie that was certainly worth the Netflix streaming. Not a classic, but not a bad little movie if I do say so myself.

Rating: 7/10

Classic Poster Art: Re-Animator (1985)

2011-07-01T13:40:00.001-07:00

Cyrus: Mind of a Serial Killer (2010)

2011-06-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of most serial killer movies. There's a few that are worth it, but most of them tend to be poorly made video fodder for the unadventurous and stupid (the serial killer flicks of Ulli Lommel, for example.) Also, there's the fact that most serial killer and murder cases tend to be a bit much for me. Sure, I can watch slasher movies and whatnot, but I can take comfort in the fact that those are fictional. Then there's the fact that a lot of serial killer movies tend to be kinda the same in some regards. Well, writer/director Mark Vidak tries to do something a little different with "Cyrus: Mind of a Serial Killer", and at first it seems like he's going to pull off a good movie-well, at first being a key response.

Maria (Danielle Harris) hosts a show about cold case mysteries, and has come to a small town to investigate the decades long disappearances of several women. Here, she meets with Emmett (Lance Henriksen), who knows a lot about what's going on. From here, we learn about Cyrus(Brian Krause), a man with a terrible life and luck, who became a serial killer. Also, it seems like Emmett knows a bit too much about Cyrus.

For a while, it feels like "Cyrus" is actually going to be a decent little surprise. The cast of character actors (Rae Dawn Chong as a former victim) and horror vets (Doug Jones as an expert on serial killers, Tiffany Shepis as Cyrus' abusive prostitute mother) all do fine work, the atmosphere is filled with dread, and the director adds a bit of pitch black humor (Cyrus' aversion to profanity for example) to the proceedings. Most worth of praise is Krause as Cyrus. The character is absolutely despicable in what he does, but he's also a tragic figure born of harsh circumstances, whose frightening throughout but still a little human thanks to the actor's performance. If he's lucky, Krause could get some great work as a character actor in the future.

As I said though, the movie works at first. Unfortunately, it also falls into many of the cliches (abusive authority figures, neglectful wives, a mother whose a whore, etc.) that fall into the genre. Granted, a lot of these things tend to be true for a lot of serial killers, but at the same time, they are themes that have been dealt with so many times in the past that they aren't all that interesting or intriguing. There's some ugly violence and gore on, but I felt that in a movie that had such an eerie atmosphere, there doesn't need to be images of innards plopping into empty buckets. The biggest problem is the conclusion, which you see coming a mile away, yet still feels insulting. The director could have gone with a few shades of gray, but when it ends the way it does, I couldn't help but say to myself "Wait, that's it? That's the ending?"

So, is "Cyrus" ultimately worth seeing? Well, if you enjoy movies about serial killers, than this is certainly for you. As for me, I was hoping for something good. Too bad the end result is a movie that starts out fine but ends up beeing another serial killer movie.

Rating: 5.5/10